Nonyjots

Am I Being Silly..

2011-02-05T14:07:00.002Z

Or could I just be right?

I can say this here cos my kids don't read/ know of the blog's existance...

My daughter is in the process of breaking up with boyfriend of 4 yrs. They've bought a place together, and determining how to sort the home has naturally added to the mess and emotion of the breakup.

I asked my son to provide some emotional support for her and he said he didn't want to get involved. I left it at that.

I'm told he and his sister had a terrible fight, although I don't know and will NOT ask for details, I'm pretty confident it had lots to do with the breakup. Shortly afterward, she told me they'd made up and all was better.

Here's my anxiety though... I haven't heard from him since he text me he wasn't getting involved. I tried to ring him to congratulate his new engagement. I sent a few texts (mostly because it looks like his email has been hacked - we've been getting weird emails). I've heard nothing.

Am I in the doghouse?

Making it worse is the stupid jealousy I fight for their cordial relationship with their stepmom. She's lovely, honestly. I'm glad they've got her in their lives. But when I'm feeling ignored and I see him post that he would have enjoyed her company if they'd been able to join them out for pizza - something inside of me clenches tightly and it takes a lot of reasoning with myself to make it relax.

I was all set to do the full-out assault, make him talk to me .. but pride has stepped in. Let him be upset, it says. He'll 'forgive' you eventually... whatever for, I'm not quite sure but.. yanno. So I'm fighting being all weepy and weird and trying to convince myself I'm just being silly...

that he has a new love.. no time to text his mama.. and would laugh if he knew the emotion this has brought on... maybe his phone has given him trouble or something like that...

I miss my kids.

Petrol is £1.28 a Litre

2011-01-27T18:16:00.002Z

A gallon is 3.875 litres

So a gallon costs £4.96

£4.96 at today's median conversion rate of 1.58 is $7.85

We are paying $7.85 for a gallon of gas

I drive about 85 miles daily for work and have come to love the fast lane. Keep me away from all those plodding folks, dithering between lanes.. let me sit in the fast lane and GO. Of course it means I really gotta keep my foot in it, about 80mph regularly, though I've caught myself at 90.

This is no good. I'm supposed to be an adult, a responsible grown-up. And I'm doing better at staying at 70. I know my gas gauge doesn't drop as quickly. But seeing the cost in real terms, in dollars shocks the crap out of me and will further strengthen my resolution.

I only hit 80 twice on my way home tonight. Yay me

Gah

2010-12-15T21:48:00.002Z

I'm over at the newbie's desk, giving a hand with some paperwork, helping her understand what she's looking at on-screen.

She looks at my fingers and very LOUDLY asks, 'Do you chew your nails?'

I reply, Ya, sometimes I do.

and I can't help it, I give her THE LOOK and say 'Thanks for asking'.

Bitch

Mute Off

2010-12-05T09:46:00.004Z

I've been so terrible at this blogging thing for quite a while now. If you read this you'll actually wish I'd continued on silently.

Work is okay on the surface. I know what I'm doing and I'm good at it, I even enjoy my job.

But the way the company treats us is both dismissive and dominating at the same time. They have just created a position back in a local branch for ONE PERSON only, without posting it and after spending the last year and a half insisting those jobs would NEVER return to branch. Then they sent that one person to us for training, without a word, as if we wouldn't realize the special favor that had been done for her. She didn't want to have to travel to Manchester, and so now she doesn't have to. The rest of us do though.

The fact they sent her to us alone stupifies me. Maybe it's more management telling us to shut up and take it. Like 'fuck you Enforcement, we'll do what we want and you'd better smile as we do it.'

My line manager and I had a word over this. The main point she made was that this certainly didn't happen due to special favors, no matter what the trainee said. Not a word addressing the inequity of the position.

Director's Hour comes each month, where the Director of our division invites concerns and questions and they're supposedly answered. My letter is already half done. I may go down in flames and NEVER ever be promoted but I'll not be a silent victim, complicit in this injustice.

They'll explain it away as 'needs of the company' but I've got a point to make and whether it gets us anywhere or not, am going to speak.

Sorry. That was long, bitching and boring.

Unfortunately, this is pretty much how I am feeling in general right now.

I'm trying to get excited for Christmas but just not feeling it. I've baked about 12 dozen cookies and have them in the freezer for presents and nieghbor plates but still have not got any spirit in me. I've only purchased a few presents so far...

I'm fed up. Bored. Pissed off. Flat.

Sorry. Mute reset.

Travellin ~

2010-10-17T10:11:00.002+01:00

This Friday I'm on many planes, bound for Montana. I'm going to see my daughter, YAAYYY!

Luckily, this time I'm flying through Amsterdam and not Paris. They've been having air-controller strikes in France.. along with a multitude of other strikes. I'm not fond of Schipol, it's rather cold and very short on seats near the gates but at least I have short layovers and they aren't on strike.

My son is working in North Dakota and probably won't be able to wiggle any time off to come see me. I'd pout normally but he's employed now and I'm sooo grateful he's doing something he's excited about that I've wound my pouty lip in.

Pinky and I will have a good visit. I want to hear her thoughts on the surgery in Feb and go visit her nephrologist in the valley. We will play with her cats and visit the people where she works. We'll see her friends and the ways the valley has changed. We'll cook together and laugh and I'll have her show me more ways to do my hair.. see if she can convince me not to cut it. Lol!

But I'm having anxiety dreams. This morning I dreamt I lost my purse going through the scanners at some airport.. My passport was gone along with my mobile and all my money. I wasn't going to be able to continue my journey home and Lou would be worried.

After waking, and a good long cuddle, I've come up with a few ideas to keep the anxiety at bay. First of all, having the mobile, I don't even TRY to memorize phone numbers any more. So I've got to get Lou's newest numbers written into my phone book. I won't carry it in my purse like I usually do, but will keep it in my suitcase. (It's carry-on anyway so will always be close at hand.)

Also, although I've got a copy of the front page of my passport here at home, I need to make sure I know where it is AND copy the pages showing my residency permit. I'm sure there are official numbers associated with each of the docs so I will record them somewhere as well.

I almost never remember my dreams but this time I'm glad I have... in spite of the laugh I got when I told her the lost purse had been made of rabbit fur.

Sept 2010

2010-09-12T15:49:00.009+01:00

somehow I always manage to load these in reverse order... took these on my phone :) Above is the deck, after putting the umbrella away for the year

and before, with the umbrella. We strung little red lights in it this summer. To the table's left is the red acer we've raised from a stick and to the right, a gift for Lou's 40th, called a shrimp plant, we're told.

Our rudbeckia. We bought one small plant at the Southport Flower show many years ago. I brought it with us when we moved and now it's threatening to take over! Behind it is Loubie's chocolate plant, to the right our phlox and a peony that was here in a pot when we moved in. In front of them is our red maple. Poor red maple, didn't realize till we brought it home that the leader had been cut off. It may always be small.

Looking back towards the house, cosmos, a red robin wanna-be-tree, grapevine espaliered (sp?) to the fence, crocosmia done with their blooming and red lobelia still going strong. Next is a teeny little hydrangea dreaming of being big and last is the jasmine. Right off the deck, when the jasmine blooms, it fills the house with a gorgeous scent.

You'll maybe notice no closeup of the space behind the cosmos. The delphiniums live there and look pretty grotty after they're done. But they're wonderous in their own season. The little chartreuse conifer is about three times it original size and will probably need another location soon. Can you see the little green picket fence just behind those pots at the end? That's our veggie patch, about 13 ft to the back fence. You can see my compost bin and the green shelves to the bitty 'greenhouse' too.

from the deck. Loubs and I built that ourselves, 12 ft wide and 18ft long. Yeah, I'm proud, LOL. It's a nice view from the kitchen.

Now it's your turn. Show me yours.. heh heh

Onward

2010-09-05T14:57:00.002+01:00

I've been through two assessment / interview days for promotion within the last year. My employers have both times told me what a great job I've done in application but neither attempt has gained me the advancement.

The first time, Laura was better. The second time, well as you know, there 'was no job'.

I think my frustration is understandable. But there's a silver lining here, as Lou has pointed out. As much as I've always hated applying for jobs, I'm getting better at it! All this practice has given me a very clear understanding of the task at hand and what's required to play the game.

I'm updating my CV (resume) and preparing to throw myself out there.

If I try to stay in my current position, not even looking, my sarcasm and dismal mood are going to get me into trouble. I can fake it and be professional, but can't keep it up forever. Most of the business feel the way I do, across all the departments, but management are turning a blind eye. The situation is pretty hopeless.

When I contemplated moving to the UK, I knew it was something fearful but determined not to let fear stop me. It's time to renew that spirit. Fear only puts us in a little box that gets smaller and smaller. Be Unafraid.

And besides, I have the MOST beautiful new suit that deserves to see more than the inside of the wardrobe.

Who's Driving When I Sleep?

2010-09-04T10:43:00.003+01:00

I woke up this morning having dreamt of my ex.

In my dream, I'd been visiting him in his new house. He looked good, happy.

I began rooting through a closet there, looking for something and noted his wife has used my sewing machine to make things that were nicer, more creative than I've ever made. She'd done some mini quilts/wallhangings that were so cute I wanted them for myself. She'd taken some fine yarn I'd left and crocheted beautiful, lacy edging onto small pillows and handkerchiefs.

Yeah, I can see the obvious. He'd turned into a rather crap husband with me and she'd taken my rejects and made wonderful things of them - including him. In the dream.

I don't know if that's really true of him now. It could be, to give them all credit, but I honestly doubt it.

Thing is, it pisses me off to wake feeling jealous and missing him. Why would my head fuck me over like that? I don't feel those things in my waking hours.

Guess I should just be grateful. Lou told me she'd dreamt of a group of people, feeding feet first, a live man to a crocodile!

Karmic Kick

2010-08-22T11:28:00.007+01:00

So I'm trying to tell myself that taking the high road with my feelings on the non-job situ, especially with regards to a disabled co-worker has been the right thing to do. And I truly believe it..

But what kind of karma is this?

The disability of the woman who took the job? She's just had a kidney transplant!

General Flaming Idiocy

2010-08-19T18:01:00.004+01:00

I just borrowed that phrase from another blog, because it is SO fitting in this instance.

Finally today, Thursday, I asked my supervisor when we would hear the results from our appraisals (done Monday) for the job. She sounded surprised I hadn't heard yet and stated she's speak with HR. About 20 mins later, the lovely HR lady was asking to have a word with me.

It's encouraging, to be the first.. they have to get their chosen candidate to accept the position before they can tell the others they have been unsuccessful, so I felt pretty bouyant.

I was told that I did exceptionally well on my appraisal. Then, unfortunately, due to some mixup, there actually wasn't any job available! Yes, ladies and gents, I am the proud winner of a non-job. Nice eh?

It's a huge muddle. Some mess about two request to HR to fill a position.. and a higher up spot being filled by someone from another branch due to disability issues.. tho I'm not clear that had much impact on MY non-job. (And I'm NOT dissing anyone's disability rights here either.. this is just the way the story was told to me.)

But the long and short of it is that, though I did an excellent job interviewing and testing for the job, I don't get it, because there isn't any IT.

I felt quietly confident at the beginning of the week. As the days slid by I stayed close to the phone. My confidence began to wane. What if NONE of us passed? The faults I felt in my assessment began to appear larger-than- life shadows to my ambition. It was freaky, really.

I wonder if it's a GOOD thing they waited, gave me time to talk myself down from the conviction that the job was mine... omg, I was even scoping out new cars.

I spent over £200 buying a new suit plus another too-gorgeous-to miss suit jacket, I was so sure I'd be needing them for court. And new shoes.. and Lou surprised me with a gorgeous matching purse. More beautiful things that will spend most of their lives in the dark wardrobe.

As a side note, my colleague who also applied was told he'd FAILED the appraisal! He was furious, saying later that he'd passed his last appraisal (just someone else had done better) but failed this one? What was up? Truthfully, I wasn't too bothered for him, but my best bud Ju reminded me of something..

On one of the tests, we were given all the information to create a summons, only the info was all scrambled up, out of order. Our task was to put it all in proper order (later to present as if were were stood in front of the magistrates). So I'm in the test room with this guy and I finish 'assembling' my summons within the allotted half hour. 'Pencils down.' The test supervisor tells us we can take our finished summons and the scrambled info with us and releases us to the break room before our presentations.

In the break room, this guy picks up his pencil and CONTINUES to work on his summons! I'm in shock. He's only written a few lines and I felt I HAD to speak up. 'Hey, pencils down.' He says, why would they let me take the scrambled info if this wasn't okay? .. and keeps writing.

The two other candidates are sat there with me, neither of them saying a word. All I could think was that here's an intelligent man, KNOWING he's cheating, taking unfair advantage against all of us, and basically DARING us to object.

You know that pissed me right the fuck off, right? He thinks he can piss on me and I won't say anything? I said, 'That's not right. She said pencils down because we were out of time to do this task. You're done.'

He made a joke, but he stopped.

So Ju said, it is unusual that he'd fail, wonder if someone told the examiners about his cheating? That would definitely be a fail if they knew!

He's asked for feedback, I suppose if he starts acting cool towards me I may have a conclusion... but he can't blame me. I only made him stop. I didn't tell anyone, except Ju that is.

Anyway. For now I will continue to take it up the ass in petrol. If that position opens up again within the next six months, I can have it (so they say). But I'm not holding my breath.

We'll see what happens. As it is, Ju goes to her new graduate position in two weeks. She came to Manchester with me from Liverpool and has been my bud for a long crazy time now. For a while I sort of thought we'd both be out of there together but look like this is not to be.

I can't tell you wht a dissapointing day this had been.

Checking In

2010-08-13T17:40:00.003+01:00

It's FRIDAY!!! *blissful sigh* Have I told you how much I LOVE Fridays? The work part of most Fridays feel like they're in semi-party mode. We get our work done certainly, but seem to have more smiles floating around, more jokes and banter. I think we're all just relieved to have made it through!

Friday evenings are delicious. Granted, I usually end up a lump on the sofa, purple-wine stained lips, having a giggle with Lou as we watch stupid tv. But I don't have to be in bed before midnight to get up at 5 the next day. I don't HAVE to do anything. Hooray for Friday! It's all about options.

Lou's been off for annual leave for the last few weeks. It's a good thing too, as we've had major grief with our refrigerator! Three years old and it began to warm up, wouldn't keep the right temp. When the third repairman came with replacement parts, we uncovered a huge burnt-out spot in the back panel inside! Lou was so determined through the whole thing, chasing the repairguys, the paperwork etc. We refused repairs and asked for replacement. But it was past the manufacturers warranty period and was the responsibility of the store.

They only wanted to give us purchase price - not near enough for us to buy a like-for-like replacement. Lou then researched and discovered the manufacturers (Samsung) KNEW about the fault as it had turned up in other models. So she called them again, told them how bad it was and that we had pictures! They then sent out one of their own guys to check it out. We had our brand- new, like-for-like fridge delivered yesterday!

Oh, I've applied for a promotion at work and have my interview/assessment day this next Monday! I want the job of court enforcement officer, prosecuting in the magistrates' courts. It would let me work out of Liverpool again, and give up the crazy hours I've been on. I'll still be driving, but in the company cars, on THEIR time, and on THEIR dime. (Makes me sick to think of the money I've laid out for gas, essentially the pay cut I've taken, just to keep my job when they centralized.) But if I can land this job, the one I've wanted since starting there, I think it will all have been worth it.

LOL.. well, I do have to admit that I needed to stay with them through this as much as they needed me. After all, having been there over a year, I was entitled to three months off sick with full pay - perfect for the kidney op :))

The Perseid meteor shower happens tonight and tomorrow night. Those shooting stars bring me such warm memories. Every year since moving here I hope for clear skies. Doesn't happen often.. and probably won't tonight either. But Loubie's come up with a wonderful idea, that we'll hop in the car and scoot off to a quiet dark hill she knows in the countryside. LOL, I'm wicked. THAT sounds fun even without stars!

Deepwater and Devon

2010-05-30T10:21:00.006+01:00

Devon Energy, based in Oklahoma, was the previous leaseholder of the Deepwater Oil Rig, currently spewing an estimated 220,000 to 588,000 gallons of oil a day into the Gulf of Mexico. They sold the lease to BP in early March of this year as part of a restructuring of their assets.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/craig-medred/gulf-oil-spill-the-techno_b_594532.html

http://phx.corporate-ir.net/phoenix.zhtml?c=67097&p=irol-newsArticle&ID=1401364&highlight=

Should our federal prosecutors be issuing subpoenas to them, in addition to BP and Transocean Ltd, the drilling rig owner? I wonder if Devon had any idea of the potential problems with this rig? The question should be asked.

Has this recent change of ownership been talked about much in the US? Is it easier to feel victims to a foreign owned company? I suppose BP's deep pockets would always be where we want to park the blame anyway..

When I went looking on the Devon website, looking for owners/Board of Director's names, I first found this;

'Any person who uses, or makes decisions upon, information contained in Devon's web site does so at their own risk and agrees to hold Devon Energy Corporation harmless. Devon Energy Corporation and its employees and representatives further expressly disclaim all liability from any costs, damages or consequences of any type that may result from the reliance on the information obtained from this Internet Web site or any Internet Web site hereto linked.
I AGREE'

You have to click 'I Agree' to enter! I just couldn't so never went any further. But is this disclaimer normal? Does it seems just a tad too defensive to anyone else?

Additionally, from that same news release by Devon, we see this; The company also announced that Devon and BP will form a heavy oil joint venture to develop BP's Kirby oil sands leases in Alberta, Canada.

upstream from by beloved Montana...

Rub THIS

2010-04-28T21:32:00.002+01:00

A few years ago, while visiting my parents, their neighbors managed to piss off both me and my sister in one go. It was late and the men were debating all sorts of shit out on the patio. The night was lovely so sis and I were out there too, sitting off a slight distance, quietly yakking with eachother.

It was hard to ignore them.They'd been drinking and their voices carried louder and louder as they attempted to lord their opinions over each other.

They set us off by their trash talking, slamming government assistance programs, saying we 'ought to just carpet-bomb Iraq' and denigrating gay marriage. My parents said later that 'they hadn't been listening' at that point and didn't realize how offensive the neighbors had been. Perhaps no one realized we were still out there at that point.

My sister was the first to clue my folks into what had been said and how offended we were. They were mortified and apologized all over themselves. The next time I visited, they pointedly asked those particular neighbors NOT to come while I was there. It was hard for them, they love their neighbors and relish their company. ( I don't know what that says about my folks except they're incredibly sociable and love to entertain.)

So anyway, fast forward to this spring. Mom and Dad invited us to their home during the last part of our recovery for a visit. I want to see them as often as I can since I live so far away. I also wanted for Lou to finally see their new place, so we accepted.

But I also didn't want Lou subjected to any of their neighbors' crap. It's one thing for me to walk willingly into whatever situation might blow up but I wouldn't ask her to take that on.

Mom and Dad surprised me by pre-empting the whole conversation. They'd taken aside the worst of the 'offenders', explained what we'd heard out of their mouths so long ago, particularly relating to gays and told them they would never be invited back if they said ONE negative word about gays in our vicinity.

The visit, as you know, went smashingly. All the neighbors were well behaved, very friendly and felt most comfortable in our presence.

So what's my beef, you're asking? Mom told me later that one of them had remarked to her how pleasantly surprised she was, that we were nice people and that even though we're gay, 'didn't rub their faces in it'.

We never do big PDA's. I just don't, not my style. I might hold her hand or stroke her arm or (horrors) give her a quick peck on my way by .. but could someone please tell me, WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY EXPECT?

We acted like every other couple out there. And no, not get-a-room kinda couples either. I offer to bring her a drink or a snack when I go to the kitchen, just like I did for all the others around.. I look after her and make sure she's comfortable after all she's left her familar environment to come be with me.. but what else could they be afraid of?

Do they think gay people will recruit them if they aren't actively repulsive and mean? Do they think I'm going to strip down and fuck on the back deck? WHAT?

I have two thoughts. One, that neighbor hasn't spent ANY time around out gay people. Two, she may have been attempting to somehow validate her earlier trash talk. Like, oh YOUR gays were nice but all the others, well, THEY deserve trash talk. ??

I know I'm supposed to be pleased. The visit did go well, the neighbors seemed to like us and at least they got to spend time around some 'regular lesbians'.

But wait till next time.. when I can drink again. Yah, that'll be me, rubbing it in.

Spring is HERE :))

2010-04-11T09:59:00.003+01:00

While I'm off work, recovering from the op, I have been anxiously waiting for the weather to warm up. It's been making me nervous, knowing it's prime seed-starting season but that I may not be up to tilling the veggie beds yet.

But yesterday was too glorious not to take advantage. The temp was 65 degrees and the sun was out! Lou and I got out of bed early and threw ourselves together. ( Okay to be fair, I am the high-maintenance one, while Loubie can put a dab of wax in her hair, wash her face and is ready to go. So, 'throwing myself together' entails a hairband to keep hair out of my face and a light layer of sheer foundation. LOL)

Then we were out the door. Breakfast at maccies, then into the grocery store for bbq fixings. On the way home, Lou and I stopped at the local nursery.

We strolled through the entire place. We picked up two trays of pansies and three unusual primulas. When we got home, it took me a while, but our three planting troughs are now pretty and very sweet, full of flowers and all ready to provide color for months.

Two of Lou's sisters came to watch the Grand National with us. Lou and I lost money... booo. The bbq was delish, if I do say so myself. (I am the boss of bbq in our house) I put the grill onto our firepit to cook the burgers and afterwards, removed the grill and threw in many big hunks of firewood for a lovely and warm bonfire.

It was a beautiful day. *contented sigh*

We Did It!

2010-03-31T09:58:00.003+01:00

I've had a hard time figuring out how I want to write about this. In my head, whenever I think of it, I'm jumping up and down, ecstatic, shouting 'we did it, we did it!' But it's only natural to feel that kind of joy, right?

On Feb 23rd, my daughter successfully received the transplant of my donated kidney. The surgeons were very happy with the condition of the kidney, saying it was very healthy and young-looking. It pinked up and began working immediately. Within days, her creatinine count was lower than mine!

I was out of the hospital by Friday and Pinky was released on Saturday. OMG, the way the boys took care of us was fantastic! They cooked for us and kept the house tidy, brought us anything and everything we needed, gave us backrubs and loved on us like you wouldn't believe! One time, she and I thought we were alone and I mentioned how I really wanted these chicken nuggets I saw on TV. I thought my son was outside but he was just at the door and overheard me. That little stinker went out and surprised me with nuggets!!

My Mom and Dad came up for two nights to give the boys a break. They too were lovely. Mom has a new soup recipe which she made for us and Dad was, as always, great company. He's wearing his hair in a little ponytail now.. it's too cute!

Pinky had to go back to the hospital every other day. They'd draw blood in the morning, then when we returned again later, tell her if she needed to increase or decrease any of her immuno-suppressant drugs. It was tiring as we had to be there by 8am, before she took her morning drugs, for the blood draw. But incredibly, both boys were always up in time, uncomplaining and jovial on the way to the hospital. We weren't always beautiful, mind you (lol) but we were all there, together.

The experience has given me such a feeling of closeness to my beautiful children. More than that, I am intensely PROUD of them. My daughter, not even 21 yrs yet, has taken all this on like a pro. She was scared, hell we all were.. but she did anything and everything she could, just to get this arranged. And my son was so caring and dedicated to us. He was right beside me through all my pre-op up until I went to surgery. During our convalescence he didn't get bored or fed up, but loved on us every single second. Pinky's boyfriend, RR, was just as fantastic.

After our first week out of the hospital, Loubie flew out to us. I was so worried about her, she was only 7 weeks post-hysterectomy herself! She looked tired when she arrived, but she smiled and I melted right into her arms. (Lol.. I forgot we're not home and got some interesting looks in the Spokane baggage claim, kissing on my woman.)

I also want to make special mention right here of the fact that I couldn't have done this without the loving generosity of my Loubie. She and her magic credit cards gave us the townhouse rental for us all to recuperate together and the flight tickets..all wthout hesitation because she loves me AND she loves the kids.

The following Monday, way earlier than expected, the transplant center released Pinky from her checkups. The kids were free to go home! When we got back to the townhouse, we just sat in shock for a few hours, not quite knowing how to proceed. But the hospital had already made Pinky's next appointment with her specialist back home so they packed all their stuff and headed off.

A few days later, my parents came and picked up Lou and I. We had expected to only have about four days together with them but the early release gave us a week and a half! It was so nice! My favorite Auntie came to see us while we were there and later, my little sister came over too! We took many naps, had long, lazy days and were treated to a couple of my Dad's (should be) world famous bbq's. The sun came out, it got up to 67 degrees and I sunburnt my face and arms just lounging on the back deck.

It's always so hard to leave my parents. Not that it's easy to leave the kids.. but my Dad used to have a habit of saying we might not see him again when I'd go. (His health isn't the greatest.) He's been persuaded to stop saying that, but hear it in my head now. I cried. I did it again after I got home. I really miss them all.

Beyond that 'jumping up and down success' feeling I have, remembering this experience will always fill me with intense feelings of love for my kids and my family.

Yes, I am Quite Consumed

2010-02-01T19:38:00.002Z

It's almost all I can think about anymore, surgery to donate.

My transplant coordinator has said she would like me to get my bp down just a bit further. She suggests I have my doc increase my medication. Trouble is, I've hit the limit on this particular rx and am not allowed to donate if it takes more than one medication to control the bp...

So I'm watching most everything that goes into my mouth, trying to lose weight which is supposed to help. I'm also practicing meditation or 'focused breathing' to relax my muscles and dilate my blood vessels. I know that aspirin will thin my blood and artifically lower the pressure but don't want to cheat.. so I've been researcing foods that are said to thin the blood. These include onions, garlic, licorice and mint. For dinner I made roasted veggies (zucchini, bell peppers, squash, onions and garlic) in cous cous. YUM, was fantastic! Dessert was a few handfuls of licorice.

I suck at exercising but did manage to climb our stairs over and over again for 15 mins which supposedly counts as moderate exercise. My calves hurt now.

However, when I measured this morning, my pressure was down to 121/81. That's a good result! It wasn't quite so great this afternoon but I need more practice on the meditation gig.

There's no way I'm going to let the docs deny me the opportunity to help my daughter, not when I'm SO close!

2010-01-24T10:11:00.002Z

Happy New Year! Yeah, it's been that long since I was last in here.

To catch you up; Christmas was fantastic. We had snow on the ground for DAYS!! Jopie stayed a few nights with us over the holidays and we three made quite merry. As usual, Loubie couldn't wait for xmas morning. Her habit is to ask if we can have 'just one present' on xmas eve. So early on she got her gag gift. A sumo wrestler's costume!!

It comes with a tiny fan to inflate this giant naked man in a diaper costume.. and a goofy hat/hairpiece. She was totally into it, posing in wrestling stances. I almost bought two of the crazy things, thinking if we both had one, that we could wrestle!! But standing at the checkout I saw a warning on the boxes saying NOT FOR WRESTLING. bummer. Will just have to continue to wrestle naked... We played with that for a while, then after midnight, opened all the other gifts. (We always give in to her. She's such a lil kid in this regard and wouldn't be able to sleep waiting for morning)

On the 29th she went in for her hysterectomy. Omg, I was scared. We've been through a few of her ops together and I know I've never before been as worried as I was this time. They made me leave her side early in the morning and she was only just going into surgery by the afternoon's visiting hour. She was in recovery for ages.

But when I saw her that evening, she looked good! No stoma (thank you fabulous doctor) and pain under control. She still wasn't allowed to eat the next day as they worried about her bowel and all the work it had needed but they also left her on morphine for the extra day.

The hospital took great care of her. All the nurses were lovely (ok, except for the anaesthesiologist who gave her the oddest look, which we could only interpret as disbelief that Lou was a woman.. dumb bitch .. as if a man would be in hosp for a hysterectomy? wtf? I mean really?)

But Lou did so well that she was released to come home on New Years' Day! She has a big but very tidy scar, still sleeps a lot and is uncomfortable due to her restricted movement.. but improved daily.

Our only problem now is that since we had to move the kidney donation forward, she will not be recovered enough to come with me when I go to the states for my surgery. Her doc has made her follow up appt for a week after I've gone and he won't move it forward nor will he release her to travel until he's seen her. Truthfully, I understand and don't want her to do anything that might wreck her recovery. She's been poorly and looking for a way to good health since before I met her. But I'm *seriously going to miss her. (*Understatement)

In her place, my son has agreed to come stay with us to look after us in our recovery. My daughter's boyfriend can stay for two weeks and my parents have promised to be around as much as possible (they have a dog who needs looking after at home, 1 1/2 to 2 hrs away). Hopefully Lou will be able to travel out a week or so after our op.

With so many people about, I've rented a vacation home for a month instead of our initial plan of a hotel room. (I owe Lou more than I can say for making this all possible.) We'll have three bedrooms plus room for a deluxe inflatable bed my parents will bring, a fireplace and a kitchen so we don't have the expense of having to eat out, two baths and plenty of room to sleep or escape eachother if necessary. It's got a bqq on the deck for the pleasure of my grillmaster father and a washer & dryer for everyone's convenience. The neighborhood is nice and the views are brilliant, overlooking the river apparently. It looks to be no more than 20 mins from the hospital.

Lou booked my flight yesterday and we discovered I have enough skymiles to upgrade to first class for comfort on the flight home.

There's so much to think about, so much to plan. I woke early today and couldn't get back to sleep.. and still have four weeks before I go.

Targeted

2009-12-15T22:01:00.002Z

Lou and I were both off last Friday. I had another doc appt, then went off to find the *perfect* gift for my sweetheart while she lounged at home. After I returned, a friend and colleague of hers came by for a visit. They kept me company in the kitchen, laughing over coffee and cream cakes while I prepared a batch of christmas candy.

It was such a fantastic day, I felt so merry and in the holiday mood. We had a glass of wine later and watched the movie Elf before turning in at a reasonable bedtime.

I woke right before three am the next morning to the sound of the bolt being pulled open on the front door. Now, I sleep like a log but I heard this and instantaneously woke with the very odd worry of Loubie sleepwalking her way outside. Robe and glasses thrown on, I was downstairs, out the door and right beside her by the time she got to the sidewalk.

She pointed a dark car parked far down the street. Someone had tried to break into our house, she said. She'd scared him off and he'd run to that car. The car then started up and pulled fully onto the road, the headlights only being turned on as it rounded the corner away from us.

WHAT?

She's always been a terribly light sleeper and wasn't worried to find herself awakened. There'd been a noise coming from downstairs, and she said she thought it might have been the cat messing with the xmas tree. But the cat was sat on the top of the landing when she got out of bed. Next she thought it might be our fridge, which sometimes makes noise. But when she got downstairs into the kitchen, she realized the noise was not coming from any applicance.

Looking for the source, she turned to the window over our sink, at the front of the house, only to see the silhouette of a man at the window!!

Lou hit the lights. She heard hasty footsteps in the gravel down the driveway and she ran for the door. As she slowly opened the door, she heard more footsteps, this time on the sidewalk.. so she ran out the door trying to see if she could identify the person.

No she wasn't able to tell who it was. We could only say the car was a dark color and looked like a sportscar, wider than it was tall and had rounded fenders - like an Audi TT.

The police officer arrived quickly after we rang. Oddly enough, the officer said 'hello again' when he came in as he'd been one of the investigators at our house last time.. He shone his flashlight on the window and we could see pry-marks, probably made by a screwdriver. That had been the noise Louie had heard.

As we gave our statement, his radio was going, relating other officers in our town chasing two men who'd been spotted in another back garden. The brought in the helicopter and we listened as the pilot directed officers on the ground to warm spots identified by their onboard cameras.

After he'd gone, it took us ages to settle. We crawled into bed and speculated.. the car we'd seen was a sportscar, hardly useful for hauling away much. What were the odds of two burglars operating in our little town that night, at such a time so closely together? IF we chose to think the two they caught were operating at our house as well...We found we could conceiveably conclude that the 'burglar' was probably looking to get in for Loubie's CAR KEYS. (She's got a nice, very fast car.. but you must have the key fob to start it).

Otherwise.. if there were two working together at ours.. why would one of them stay in the car, and be parked too far away to even give an alert or help in any way? We think they were going to go racing. Perhaps the other car was stolen too.. and when the cops got too close at the other location, the second person bailed out?

Once we began to think this, it triggered a memory in Lou. About a week before, a young man had knocked at our door. When she answered, he'd asked if 'Mick' lived here. Lou said no and the young man said oh, I though he might, he likes his nice cars! He went on to ask if she might know where 'Mick' lived, saying that he's got a few small kids.. Nope and soon enough he was gone.

We'd been scoped. Who knows. Maybe if she hadn't been home to open the door that time, they'd have gotten in right then..

The CSI guys came in the morning to dust the window for prints. But it'd been too wet out and they weren't successful. We told them about the man who'd come to the door and our guess they'd been after the car. They agreed we were probably right.

We're okay, really. We're having the house alarmed on Thursday.. hope they can take account of the fact we share our house with a bouncy kitty.. but I expect that's something they've dealt with many times before. Car keys have been moved to an even safer location and a motion light will be going up.

Remember I asked for boring? Not happening. (I haven't even told you about a kidney 'almost' becoming available for my daughter.. only to have it all fall through a few weeks ago.. but that's a story for another day.)

Maybe we should ask Santa for boring...

Just Workin..

2009-11-24T20:06:00.003Z

Slaving away. I'm up at five, out the door by 6.15. I create prosecution paperwork ALLL day. In my sleep, I see violations screens on my computer and have imaginary conversations with court clerks.

Except night before last.. when I dreamt about my ex. We were together in the car. It was like our old .. what, 65 ? Catalina. Only this one was white. We parked in the parking lot and hurried away for an appointment of some kind. But he looked back and saw the car had a big scrape on the door that was visible from the road.

It's not that the scrape was a surprise. The problem was that others could see this flaw when they drove by. He wanted to go back and turn the car around so no one would know it wasn't perfect. This was going to make us late.

When I woke up I discovered I'd bitten into my lip and the inside of my cheek in my sleep.

Even work doesn't get me THAT wound up.

2009-11-05T19:10:00.002Z

She's so sweet, it's easy to love her. She's lying on the couch, the red fleece blanket over her and her microwave-warmed wheat roll snuggled against her belly. For a while, she's even had her hood up over her head to keep her ears warm :) Lol, the perils of an uber-short haircut!

I have been reading blogs tonight written by newbie lesbians. Women young and old who are afraid of their freshly admitted feelings and of the reaction of those around them. I myself struggled with those very same things.

I worried about my parents until they made it clear what they felt. I wasn't pleased with their reaction but if they thought it would make my attractions change, they were wrong. If they thought it would make me, for one second, rethink my love for Loubie, they were hallucinating.

Perhaps my truth is that as much as I love my parents, their influence on me and their involvement in my life was pretty minimal by then. It would have been farcical if I had suddenly given Mom's hellfire and brimstone speeches any attention.

In and around my little town I had alway felt sort of anonymous. My ex was the character, the known one. Looking back, it's sort of silly that I thought no one would know or that if they did, they wouldn't have cared. Still there may have been some validity to the idea that Montanans are individualists with a live and let live attitude because if things WERE said, it was never within my earshot. (Apologies forever to my children whose peers were never as kind.)

I lived my life as I dared. She came to see me many times during the years. We went to our Heritage Days parade together and out to restaurants and to the bars to play pool.

Yes. I was nervous, but I outgrew that. Especially after I moved to the UK. The first few years here, its true, I remember feeling nervous each and every time someone asked me why I moved. I just answer 'for love' now and let it go as most of the time I'm asked by strangers anyway..

But my life here, my day to day, spending time with my darling, is done openly and with enjoyment. We are arm-in-arm often and our pleasure in eachother's company is not hidden for anyone.

She's upstairs now, looking at the fireworks of Bonfire Night out the window. Isn't she too cute?

I feel I lived in a closet for a very very long time. I'm out, I'm happy and I will never ever feel obligated to return to that closet.

Boredom? Not This Week..

2009-11-04T20:01:00.002Z

Lou rang me at work yesterday. She wanted me to come home. The young man (30 yrs) across the street had come home from work to find his friend had hung himself. She'd gone in to try to help.

In spite of the rain pelting it down, I made it home in 30 minutes to find our house full of detectives and police. The young man from across the street was in our living room giving his statement, Lou was in the kitchen giving hers and I fluctuated between making cups of tea, hugging Lou and letting various others in and out of the house.

The young man and his friend had spent the night out having a few drinks. Instead of trying to make it home, the friend accepted the young man's offer to stay there for the night. In the morning, the young man had to get off to work but asked his friend to be sure to walk the dogs.

I'm not sure what made the young man come home in the middle of the day. I suspect he just didn't know if his buddy was still there to attend to the dogs..

Long story short, the friend had hung himself over the door inside the bedroom. The young man had opened the door and his friend had dropped. He ran from the house and came to our door for help.

He later said he'd come to ours because he knew younger people lived here (we're surrounded by oldies). He scared Lou by banging the crap out of the door, but still, she opened it. When she saw how frenzied he looked, she nearly shut the door on him again but he said, 'My friend has hung himself, the ambulance want me to go back in and I just can't. I need help please.' She got a sweater, her housekeys and followed him out. She asked for his phone to be certain he was truly on the phone to paramedics before she left our yard.

They had to climb the fence to get back into the property.. imagine my Loubie scrambling over a fence with her bod in it's tender state!!

Alone upstairs, she found the friend cold and gray, his poor body stiff. The paramedics kept asking her on the phone to be certain he was gone and she said later she felt they'd not believed her and pushed a little too hard... But she rolled him to his side, checked for breathing etc to reassure herself and the lady on the other end of the phone. She stroked his face and said kindly, 'What have you gone and done mate?'

She came back downstairs to find the young man on his knees in the muddy garden, sobbing his eyes out. She did her best to comfort him in his shock as they waited for his girlfriend to show up, for the paramedics and the ambulance to arrive. The police were quick behind.

The picture goes a bit confusing there. Basically, the young man didn't want to go back into the house so Lou invited him and the others to ours.

They were here until about 7.30.

Lou didn't sleep very well last night. She's got images of the friend behind her eyelids at all hours. She tried to go into work but her brain was scattered and she ended up coming home very early.

The young man came to our door again tonight. He brought a bottle of brandy for Lou and hugged her and hugged her over and over, thanking her for being here, for being willing to help.

Winter is coming.

2009-11-01T15:50:00.004Z

The wind has been howling all day, with the rain intermittently pelting the last of the golden leaves from the trees. It's been a good day to stay inside but do confess it's left me feeling melancholy. I won't go into that though.

My poor little car did not pass it's annual check up. In fact, it needs some very expensive parts. So expensive that they aren't even kept in stock and need to be ordered. It should be finished Monday afternoon. Until then, my lil red racecar is in lockup over the weekend, waiting to have it's suspension repaired. There is an upside however. I can't get to work. LOL. Okay, truthfully, Loubie has offered to let me take her car and she would take a taxi as she's so much closer... but I don't wanna. I'll have to part with almost half this months' paycheck and I think I deserve a day to recover.

I visited the doc this week for an update on my bp. I've been taking the lowest dose possible for three weeks and the bp has dropped substantially! It still needs to be just a tad lower so she's doubled my dose but I'm thrilled. From what I've read, some people don't respond to the medicine and if I'd had to take more than one kind of med to get the reading low enough, I wouldn't have been allowed to donate.

I wish the weather were warmer. There's a candlelight vigil in Liverpool this evening at 8pm in support of a young man who was recently beaten by a gang of about 20 youths when he was spotted coming out of a local gay bar. I would have liked to have gone but will content myself with filling the front windows of our home with lit candles in support.

Loubie's scheduled for a total hysterectomy at the end of December. We've worried for years about this, knowing it was inevitable. She's got what's called 'frozen pelvis' in that all her bits in there are 'glued' together by endometriosis and adhesions.. making this surgery quite risky. The upside is that by waiting, she's been referred to a cancer doctor! Yeah, I can feel your eyebrows shooting up.. she's not got cancer, but this doctor is better trained at the more detailed work she'll be needing by virtue of his abilities in eradicating cancerous bits. He's nice too.

My daughter said we should start a club.. Tummyscars. lol.

Yesterday was my neice's birthday.. the neice who was hit and killed 18 mos ago by a drunk driver.

I want uneventful to return. Even boring would be nice. I want one of those years when you schedule a vacation just to do something.. not to escape from your life. Do we only get boring lives before 20 yrs old .. and it becomes impossible later?

Revelling in the Bitch that I AM

2009-10-10T15:52:00.002+01:00

Overall, it wasn't too awful, spending two whole days in my ex-husband's company. I don't know how he really feels but we both try to put on a good face for those times we're obligated into eachother's company.

There are things about him I can still appreciate.. and I will certainly admit to some love on my side.. at least for who we were together, in the beginning, and for the family we created.

But otherwise, he's an ASS.

While in an appointment with the Finance specialist at the hosp, he derailed the conversation FOR 20 MINUTES, talking about his recent shoulder surgery, and the cadaver bone they had to implant, and how expensive that little bit of bone was..and and ! He didn't do it alone either, the specialist told all about HER shoulder surgery too. *sigh* Pinky was visibly frustrated. It had been a long day... and they didn't notice, just went on..

I, being either the spineless wonder or the woman with vision who knows she needs the jerk onside for what's to come... said nothing. I did, with pointed abruptness, shove back my chair and begin walk around the room while they spoke.

We ended up cancelling that meeting. (I now feel I have to get in touch with the specialist personally to be certain we have all the necessary information... cos all this aint gonna be cheap.)

Ex was Mr KnowitAll on a few occasions, making sure he used every technical term available in an effort to impress doctors and nurses. We rolled our eyes. Even his wife looked away.

For what it's worth, I like her. She's okay in book....questionable taste in men, but whatever.

THE BEST though, was in our meeting with the nutritionist. She's talking about all the food restrictions Pinky needs to abide by until the surgery and some things I should watch on my own intake. Ex piped up with, No more haggis for you then, huh? He's going for a laugh at my expense.

Haggis is some gross looking shit cooked up by the Scots made of something like oatmeal and fat boiled up in a sheep's stomach. I've never had it, never had the opportunity to try it and frankly, probably would never try.

But before I reacted, I noticed the confused look on EVERYONE else's faces. So I played dumb too. Everyone looked at Ex for an explanation, he got embarrassed and everyone in the room ended up laughing at him.

Wait, it gets better. After that meeting, we're all back out in the waiting room, 'waiting' duh, on our next specialist appointment. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and when I come back, he goes.

I start to tell Pinky and his wife that I know what haggis is and begin to describe it. He re-enters the room, hears me, his face goes RED and he splutters, ' you KNEW what that was!?!

We're all howling.. and I say yeah. He asks why I didn't say and I reply, it was too much fun playing dumb! Gotcha!!

I have to say, it was fun. We laughed for a long time. He was good natured but knew he'd been had.

There and Back

2009-09-26T12:23:00.002+01:00

I'm home :)

Sitting here, trying to formulate my words, deciding where to start, I realise I'm tired. Even after a nap yesterday and 12 hrs sleep last night, my brain is still mush.

My darling Lou was able to pick me up from the airport. That's the best part of coming home. She always looks extra cute, extra sexy and her accent absolutely thrills me. Her lips are twice as soft after a separation and her eyes are that much bluer. I am a big girl and know I can cope very well on my own but, my God, do I miss my woman.

There's loads of details, some of which I'll share later.. but for now.. my blood pressure does need treatment but isn't as high as we thought and is within the range that should be manageable with one medication.. and I have slightly higher cholesterol that needs attention... but otherwise, I am healthy enough and

I am a match.

bp bp bp

2009-09-15T17:46:00.004+01:00

A few weeks ago a thought occurred to me. The lady at the transplant centre had said that not only did I have to be in good health to donate, but that my blood pressure had to be at or below 130/80. I remembered that back in January, the doc took my pressure and it was so high she had me come back a week later for another test. I couldn't remember what that final result was, but knew she was pleased with it and off I went.

So, trying to be thorough, I made another appt with the doc, mostly to make sure that they wouldn't have a problem with my follow up care here if I'm able to donate. Before I left, I again asked for her to take my bp. OMG.. from those readings, I'm nearly ready to explode! out of three tries I can remember a 179 /89 and a 180/ something.. Because I'd just driven straight from Manchester to the docs.. screaming along as fast as I could manage in fear of being late.. we figured maybe some of the high readings were from stress.

She asked me to come back in a week and suggested no salt, reduce alcohol consumption and that sometimes even losing half a stone helps (that's about 7 lbs). So, I went on a diet. No more crap for me. I bought a decent multivitamin (even tho I think they prolly come out looking just like they went in) some ginkobiloba and magnesium.

I emailed my daughter to tell her the bad news. She told me later that she had a 'little breakdown' and cried a bunch but still appreciated my willingness to have tried. At the time though, we agreed it didn't look good but would wait on the final appt.

The weather's been crap so for exercise I've been jumping rope in the living room. (yet another reason to love the high ceilings) I poop out quickly but it's got my heart rate up for a while.

I've also been reading around some and found one doctor who advises to up my water intake. He said that if you shortchange your body of water, the body will protect it's organs by constricting blood flow to the perepheries (gad, I know I've spelled that wrong - sorry) That constriction is part of the bp readings. So I've been drinking more water. And peeing more. Weirdly enough, I've been thirstier too.. guess you get used to having it once you start?

At the end of my week, the doc took three readings. The best was 152/89.

Defeated, I went home and rang the transplant centre, told them I'd discovered I was wrong about having a good bp. I was gobsmacked to then be told that studies have shown that if a person can control their bp with a single medication, that they are still considered fine to donate.

They are shipping a portable bp machine to my daughter's house so before we arrive at the hospital I can take a set of readings over 24 hrs. Because my readings have been all over the place, only an average will give an idea if this can be controlled with a single medication. I can turn in the readings when we arrive at the hospital on Monday.

When reading about all this, when I thought I'd potentially be unable to donate, I had decided that I really didn't want to have to take bp medicine. I don't take any regular medication, feel healthy as an ox and thought I would try my best to control this through diet and exercise.

Now that the donation is still on and it's my daughter's life we're talking about.. I'm happy to take the medicine.

I'll probably be getting the most thorough check up of my life this next week. It's quite daunting to realize that I may be coming home with the knowledge that I'm not as healthy as I think I am, that they may discover something is wrong. It's a good thing because it means I can take care earlier if shit has gone awry... but will be a jolt to my self image.

It is true however that my mother's family has had many instances of cancer. Perhaps this super healthy self image has just been ridiculous all along. o well.. will know in a week.

I Wanna Be Lazy Too!!

2009-08-24T20:29:00.002+01:00

Stolen from Sooz

1. What bill do you hate paying the most? car insurance. Honestly though, Lou pays all the bills but that one. I worry I should be ashamed of that but am too relieved after the shambles of my marriage finances.

2. Do you miss being a child? I only miss that short period of time when I thought the world was perfect and Mom & Dad could do anything/ protect me from everything

3. Chore you hate the most? Vacuuming

4. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner? I think the last time I had a romantic dinner was right here at home. Candles and a lovely meal and ahh, 'dessert'

5. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be? Been a better parent.. tried to be a bit tougher.

6. Name of your first grade teacher? Mrs Lassanske. She was my best friend's grandmother.

7.What do you really want to be doing right now? It's Monday evening, been a hard day for us both. We're sitting in front of the tv watching Liverpool play.. I can't imagine a better place to be right now :)

8. What did you want to be when you grew up? a journalist

9. How many colleges did you attend? Just one

10.Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now? White man's style undershirt.. it's comfy.

11. What are your thoughts on gas prices? Please don't get so high I have to notice!!

12.First thought when the alarm went off this morning? I don't hear the alarm, Lou does and wakes me. I ask if I can have a snooze and she tells me I've already had one..or two lol.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night? Is that me snoring already?

14. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? mm. don't spend much time thinking about famous people.

15. Have you ever crashed your vehicle? not really *tapping my head*

16. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer? Yes. I think I'd visit nursing homes, try to be good company to folks who don't often have any.

17. Get up early or sleep in? I would LOVE to sleep in but can't seem to manage it much anymore.

18. What is your favorite cartoon character? Tigger

19. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy/girl? well duhh.

20. When did you first start feeling old? I don't FEEL old yet but am worrying I may be starting to look old. O well..

21. Favorite lunch meat? Pastrami

22. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart? Last time I went into WalMart, I took my son and we filled a trolly with things for his new apartment. Towels, sheets, a foreman grill, frying pans, mixing bowls, utensils... I can't remember everything we got. It's a once-a-year sort of thing though.

23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? No.

24. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about? Why shouldn't they find out? I love The Breakfast Club and the idea that were ALL outsiders.

25. What’s your favorite drink? mmm, love me a good Merlot.. or coffee. Cold chocolate milk rocks too.

26. Who from high school would you like to run in to? Cheri

27. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? Radio City 96.7.. lol and No, it wasn't the KFC Breakfast Show, it was the Kev Seed Breakfast Show!! durrrrr

28. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives? Nope

29. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back? I fell too hard for my first, believed her when she said she loved me though her actions proved otherwise. I let myself be blinded.

30. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work? I think so, though I've only known her for a week and a day.

31. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purposes? No

32. Last book you finished reading? last I can remember, State of Denial by Bob Woodward.

33. Do you have a teddy bear? I have two bears, both given from Lou. One has a little pull up 'hood' with moose antlers and the other is red and has a Love Bug antennae hood.

34. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth? in a plane.. ?

35. Do you go to church? No. Ask me if I feel guilty.. LOL

36. How old are you? 45

Motoring

2009-08-21T17:50:00.006+01:00

You know I have to work in Manchester now, right? I started there on Monday. It takes me about 35 to 4o minutes each way.. and so far I've not had traffic tie-ups on any of the 3 motorways (and one ring road) I must travel.

My car is 7 yrs old this next Halloween. It's only got 33,333 ish miles on it.. which I think is pretty good. I've never had a major problem with it. A couple years ago I did have something wrong in the electrical system.. made my driving lights come on after I'd gotten out of the car and would drain the battery. A guy (who used to be a nice man before he turned fruitcake long after) helped me out by simply removing the fuse that worked those lights (the little tiny ones in the bumper) . But that's been it.

I love my car. It's paid for. It's unusual over here.. Chrysler Neon, RX with a spoiler.. lol, maybe a bellybutton in the States, but not here.

In spite of its regular mantenance I was a mite worried knowing I would be adding all this mileage to it suddenly. Yes, I scoot around in it all the time.. but not often on the motorway... at high speed! Would it hold up? Would its age suddenly become apparent?

Uh yea.

The first time I stop on my trip home last Wednesday is at the lights here in the town where I live. So I've been tooling along going at least 70 for over half an hour... screaming through S-curves cos they're fun.. overtaking the lumbering lorries etc.. and I finally come to the red light. *sniff* What's that smell?

Look to the left, and boiling over the fender is a gigantic angry cloud of smoke. The lady in the car next to me mouths 'your tire is smoking'. lol.. I wanted to laugh for some reason.. glad she's only said that and not 'there are flames shooting out from under your car'...

Well, there's nothing I can do about it sat right where I was, so when the light turned (and as luck would have it I was first in line so EVERYBODY saw my misbehaving car).. I could only turn right and drive the two blocks down to the petrol station.

It's a busy station. One of the attendants came out and an older man came over too. They put the water hose on the tire.. which made the smoke roil even more violently and the tire hisssssss. It took about 20 minutes for that to stop. Lou came to rescue me then..

After it was no longer glowing red, I drove it slowly down to the local garage where the very nice repairman named Neil fixed my wheels.

He said the right hand tire had locked up completely and quizzed me over which one exactly had been smoking, until he got the left one off and could see the evidence of the heat! In the end, all he had to do was clean off the brakes so they'd move properly. I thought I'd have to lay out a couple hundred pounds when I first saw that smoke and only ended up paying £30!

I found myself thinking later.. if it had happened that I had to stop on the motorway with this problem.. would I be the crazed woman on the shoulder beating her smoking car into a dented lump in frustration? All the other drivers could slow down and gawk as they went by, watching my tantrum...

No, I guess I probably wouldn't do it .. I hate that I'm sensible. But the thought does bring me pleasure nontheless.

Great Cheese

2009-08-03T21:16:00.004+01:00

It's confession time. Embarrassing weakness, penchant for...

Cheap disaster movies! *Shake monitor now* The end of the world is nigh!!

It may be an earthquake.. or comets or.. tonights feature, the near miss of the asteriod which has *scary dramatic music* REVERSED THE MAGNETIC POLES!! Random electronic shockwaves frying anyone using that horrible 20th century curse - electricity!!! OOOoooo AAahhhhh..

It took a while before I began to encourage Lou to watch these with me. I knew she'd think me a loon, question my taste completely. They're so unbelievable, with the funniest special effects. The actors take themselves too seriously .. lol.. and it's hard to sell the entertaining aspects of watching one. But the thing that's great about them is their massive opportunity for a piss take.

The leading man always knows more that EVERYONE on the planet. He's usually estranged from the ex-wife or son and is reconciled with them after the planet has been saved. There's the 'throwaway', someone they introduce you to, make you like, then they kill off to make you sad. You get the mad looters or crazy yee-hawing backwater militia. The army guys who like to think they know what they're doing, the very voice of authority, who really don't know their asses from a gigantic asteriod hole in the ground..

Tonight's feature has fake Russian submariners. They smoke like dis.. *drag on ciggy* show teeth *inhale THROUGH teeth* as 'real' Russians always do. Fucking AWFUL accents too, LOL

and ooooo, volcanoes UNDER the sea!!!

There's near certain death for the saviors of the world, who pause a moment to smile at the beauty they are soon to obliterate with the only possible solution to every disaster - a NUCLEAR WARHEAD (of course).

Impossibly, they outrun the blast that was sure to kill them... by driving the sub straight into one of the underwater volcanoes.. or the forest service truck into the abandoned mine...

AND SAVE THE WORLD!!!
(lmao)

Please, tell me I'm not the only one to indulge in this ridiculous opportunity to rip shit to shreds??

Tomorrow

2009-07-28T21:47:00.002+01:00

We're supposed to hear by tomorrow if our applications for the new job has been successful. (I say we because both my sister-in-law and I have applied for the many positions being offered.)

On tenderhooks, thinking we could have heard today, I still managed to leave the house this morning without my mobile phone! Gad, what a dope.. I thought, that's a fine example of my organizational skills! My manager wouldn't let me scoot home for a sec when I realized my mistake and I was going to have to wait till lunch to make the short trip home. Luckily, Lou has been off on annual leave and so very very kindly brought it to me! as an aside.. isn't it funny how much different, sweeter our love looks when we see them outside of the normal routine? *swoon* She's just so gorgeous. She even brought me a steaming hot mocha cappuccino.

So you'd think my main source of anxiety would be getting this job.. and it is, but not in the way you may be thinking. If I'm offered a position, I will, in good conscience, have to ask if they would be supportive of me taking the time off I will need to donate the kidney to my daughter!

One of their main concerns is sick time. I have an exemplary sickness record but... just yesterday I booked tix to go home for a week in Sept for the testing to see if I'm a good enough match. If that's successful, we'll have to schedule a time to arrange the actual surgery. I've been warned I will need four weeks recovery time before returning to work.

All this will most likely fall within my 6 month probationary period at the new job. If I didn't tell them and they just can't be that generous, I could be let go at the end of probation period. But I HAVE to have an income.

If they won't make an allowance for me to do this I wll have to turn down the position and stay with the company where I currently work. I REALLY don't want to do this, but again, I HAVE to have an income and doubt they could fire me for this. They certainly won't like it.. they've not proved themselves (as a company) to be understanding or even concerned for the welfare of their employees.. but I'd raise holy hell if they tried to let me go.

I suppose, if I don't get this new job, my current employer will be less than pleased anyway that I've made this travel plan without consulting them. I've got a stubborn streak though and refuse to let them have that much say in not just MY life, but the life of my daughter as well.

omg, can you say 'unemployment'?

Says Monkey, 'Our Day Will Come!'

2009-07-23T21:33:00.002+01:00

What shall I tell you about? There are a thousand and one things millling about in my brain lately...

1) I phoned the transplant center who will be dealing with my daughter's kidney transplant.When they told her that there are better results when the organ comes from a live donor, I could only think that I want to be the donor! After about half an hour on the phone answering medical questions, the manager said she'd send me an info packet. There are many tests that need to be done to determine if I really can give her my kidney and it's going to me a nightmare to arrange all this from so far away but... it can be done.

My daughter didn't even know her blood type.. the FIRST place you start when looking for a match, but I know mine is A.. Two or three days later, my daughter texted me, she'd had her blood typed and.. it's such a miracle to me, it still makes me come up in goosebumps.. she's an AB.. known as the 'universal recipient' type. She can match other AB, B and A!

Lou is being supremely supportive. I had thought I would enlist my folks to home and help me during my recovery. She stood up to her full 5'2'' and told me a thing or two, LOL. She's taking time off no matter what Uni say and coming to look after me.

I need to call my GP here. I have NHS so aftercare shouldn't be a problem but it still might be smart to include the doc from the beginning.

2) Work. We're due to be moved to Manchester in mid August. The first bunch of people have already moved over and it's causing havoc. When they moved, they stopped doing the support work for our branch. We were told on a Friday they'd stop the following Monday.. leaving 80 breaches undone. We've had two colleagues find other jobs already so we're running shorthanded.. and now we have to find a way to get these extra breaches done (within at most, two weeks time before their court dates arrive).

On top of this, the branch has been hit hard by illness, including Swine Flu. One department has been taken down by more than half! Just yesterday, a member of my court team had to be driven home. An ambulance was called as the health service doesn't want the flu sufferers coming into the clinics and speading their germs... and the ambulance crew diagnosed the Swine Flu! CRAP!!

While all this mayhem has been happening, the branch has been running without any Managers. Our First Line Manager has been on a Fire Safety course for the WHOLE freaking week. Seriously. I have to ask, is a week really necessary? Will she return a certified firefighter or something? It may not matter, really. When she is there.. she seems to be ignoring us, like she's just waiting for the time to pass till we're all shipped off the the other location and she doesn't have to deal with the upheaval anymore. She doesn't fight for us, never tells the talking heads when it's obvious things haven't been thought through, just appears to sit in her email all day.

The other bigwigs have been on a team building week.. also affectionately known as a tree hugging session. What the fuck are they doing? Falling backwards all week, hoping to be caught by eachother?

The atmosphere is unreal. We're being buried by work with no hope in sight and just waiting for the bitching to start. I can't describe it except to say we just laugh at the bad stuff anymore.. No sense letting it get to you. My joke today was to write 'Titanic Staff' on the back of my entry pass. Maybe the description I'm looking for is 'gallows humor'.

3) I think I did really well on my job interview! We should hear by the middle of next week. please please please let this happen for me!

So.. I am alive and well, full of ever so much shit, my eyes should be brown. x

Memory Lane

2009-07-05T12:41:00.004+01:00

I spent hours last night scrolling through the archives of a message board.

You know how people in years past might bring out a stack of yellowed love letters, tied with a faded red ribbon? Lou and I have something similar, something special tucked away online. In this archive, I was able to see things we'd written to eachother even before we'd actually expressed affection.

It's the growth of our relationship. The teasing and flirtation, the way we supported eachother through individual rough times. You can clearly see why I couldn't help loving her. Her brain and immense heart clearly shine through her words.

We created our history there. For instance, she concocted a big white horse to sweep me away, and made up a contest to name the steed. Muffin was suggested which Lou amended to Studmuffin. Later, after the admissions of love, she sent me a package in the mail with a teeny tiny stuffed horse packed peeking out amongst other things. He's not white, but he IS Studmuffin.

Everytime I travel to the States without her, she makes sure she sprays Studmuffin with her cologne and packs him in my case. He lives on my bedside table when I'm home.

It makes me laugh, I teased her all the time about getting my lil chocolate handprints all over her white horsie. Was it forewarning of my ummm... nature less tidy than hers? May be :)

But there are sad things and difficult things there, stuff I haven't remembered with such clarity in a long time. The ways my kids reacted to their Mom coming out... My son crying while telling me about being asked on his first day of High School if it was true his mom is lesbian. Their Dad ignoring them so much that I thought they'd love me and be with me forever.. and then their anticipation of leaving me for him when he was looking at a big house in a nearby town. How I felt when their adopted big sister came to see us. My daughter kicking off, finding trouble with her best friend. My son's attempted ibuprofin overdose and subsequent stay at a treatment center. The car my ex bought for my son who didn't need any further excuses to skip school.

It's been such a rough ride. The worst seems to be past and, as is my habit, I am forgetting the harshest aspects. This jog down memory lane has refreshed the hurt along with the joy.

effin appts..

2009-06-25T14:14:00.003+01:00

yeah, this is me, bummed. I'll first have to find out what day I can get off in order to even make an appointment at the registrars.

So even the first step that we were going to take today, isnt going to happen.

edit to add.. After we read about needing the appointment, I phoned the courthouse to find out how far in advance they were already booked. The woman I spoke to asked about my visa and then proceeded to give me COMPLETELY WRONG information, saying I'd need to file for a Certificate of Approval from the Home Office in order to be married. (Insert request for yet Another Fee here.. not to mention having to send in my passport with the application - something I'm not willing to do at this time with my daughter's health so up in the air. It's staying right here with me!)

I was certain she was wrong.. but had to sit through 20 minutes of being on hold with the actual Home Office before I was able to speak to someone who knew their shit and confirmed that the first woman I spoke with was speaking out her ass.

Bet you can read my mood.

Plans Underway

2009-06-24T21:48:00.003+01:00

Over here, to be married, you have to register intent first. It's also known as 'posting banns'. After registering, you must wait 15 days to be wed.

We looked online to find that you have to make an appointment to register.

Tomorrow we're calling to make that appointment... and hoping that they'll say 'come on in today'.

We're going to make it official.

BacyBear

2009-06-18T22:42:00.004+01:00

When she was three she had a cold. She was very tired and lackluster and even lost some of her potty skills. But those had been hard won anyway and I was certain they'd easily return once I managed to nurse her through the cold. But it wasn't a cold. Sitting on my lap one afternoon, she doubled over with an 'oof' sound, obviously in pain.

We were in the next town over, the same one where our doctor was located, so her dad and I decided I should take her to see him, get her checked over.

She didn't come home that night. Neither of us did. The docs tested her urine, then sent us to the emergency room. They tested her blood there, and later did an MRI. My baby only had one kidney.. and was in renal failure. An infection in the kidney had caused an obstruction. The kidney was over twice the size of a normal one.. and that kind of enlargement damages the tissue it stretches, further impairing it's function.

Instead of coming home that night, she and I were put on a plane, a LifeFlight to Children's Hospital in Seattle. It was surreal. My darling daughter was so frail and lethargic. Her heart monitor kept going off in the middle of the night, but the nurses quickly showed me it was only because she needed to take deeper breaths. I could rouse her slightly, give her a cuddle and ask her to take a big breath for mama.. and the noise would stop. Even when you know what to do, waking to that noise is frightening.

She didn't want to eat.. not anything. It didn't help that at the time she was incredibly picky with her food. She wanted hotdogs, we gave her a few bites of bologna. Yea, I know that not on any low-protein, low-potassium diet anywhere.. but she wouldn't eat ANYTHING else. She'd eat that, or a bit or popsicle or a sip of milk. It felt like she was dying in front of my eyes without warning.

They operated a few days after we arrived. She was in theatre for a long time and I felt useless. I'd been sleeping in a reclining chair by her bed, showering in a sort of parent's lounge and eating cafeteria food and none of it had registered. But without my sweetpea to focus on I floated through theses places, aware of my disconnect. It was the longest day of my life.

She wasn't brought back to the ward until after dark. It was February, when dark comes early.. but I couldn't make that rationalization. All I knew was that they'd taken her in the day and now it was night, surely something must have gone wrong for her not to have finished already. My parents had come to keep me company during the surgery and as night came on, I couldn't stand the worry in their faces any longer. I couldn't try to make any more conversation or think of reassuring things to say. When they began to look visibly tired, I told them I would be just fine and encouraged them to go home. They did.. and then I was upset they'd left me alone. I am SUCH a contrary shit.

When they finally brought her back, so tiny in her bed, I cried great, gasping sobs of relief. We spent 16 days in Children's Hospital.

She's been back in hospital a few times since then. But never again, not since that first time.. have I been as scared as I am now. Last year her functionality was hovering around 20%. It's so hard to believe that figure, she's the picture of health. She gets tired... but not like a 'sick person' but more like a lazy teen. She works full time. She goes camping and four-wheeling with her boyfriend, cooks and cleans and looks after her kitty-babies. We've just found out that she was at 15% inApril

and is at 13% now.

The day before she got the result, she'd run three miles. Yes, admittedly it was run half a mile, walk half a mile, run walk run walk.. but still. How the fuck does this compute? My brain can't work it out. How do you reconcile this with someone who is going on the transplant list? Really??

She'll get an appointment through shortly to go to the Spokane Transplant Centre. This appt will take two days. She'll talk to the surgeons and nurses, the post-nephrology specialists, finance people and social workers and have many tests done to determine what she needs for compatability.

If I can get even one day's notice, I'll be there. When they find a donor, I'll be there then too.

Obama Lied

2009-06-18T18:44:00.001+01:00

http://www.salon.com/opinion/feature/2009/06/17/gay_rights/

This says everything I've been thinking.

Obama.. change my ass. Am no longer a supporter. He LIED about his support for equal rights for gays.

A Day Early

2009-06-14T21:30:00.002+01:00

Loubie cannot hold back.. she's sooo cute. If she has a gift, she's constantly fighting to keep it concealed, fighting to keep herself from giving it early. This can also be accompanied by teasing. 'Don't you wanna know what I got you?' Or telling a sister what it is so they can BOTH tease me.

Well this time, I didn't get the teasing. ANNND I got my presents a day early!! Yahooo!! She's got me a teeny tiny Samsung Netbook! OMG, its just an amazing gift! We can now both sit on the laptops in front of the tv together (aren't we saddos?) when before, to use both computers meant one of us was stuck upstairs on the big machine.

She's also thought of the travelling I have to do. Being stuck in airports for interminal amounts of time. With this little beauty, I can play all the Mafia Wars I can stand, read each and every online newspaper.. all those lovely little distractions I do so enjoy.

This sweet little machine has built in wifi, an onboard webcam and god only knows what. She's even bought a wireless mouse and padded little purse for the netbook. It'll probably take me weeks to learn all it can do, but omg, what a huge surprise this was!

I think I'm spoiled :)

annnnd Relaxxxxx

2009-06-04T18:53:00.002+01:00

I was speaking with the lovely Loubie earlier and told her it's a wonder I haven't exploded with the pressure of this last month! Aside from a secret sob and a bit of creative but careful bitching, I've been such a good girl, a proper grown-up!

There's huge changes afoot at work, I believe I told you about it not too long ago. I went through an assessment for the one position to remain in branch in Liverpool... the day before I left for the states. The weekend before was spent studying up for the competency-based interview. The cat must have thought I was mad, I spent most of the time stalking around, talking to myself!

Then, jetting off to Montana. Missed the last flight but only had to wait an hour and a half for the next one. Whirlwind craziness while there! The kids are gorgeous.. my son has only recently moved into a place with his gf. I spoiled him (like I did his sis last year) on my last day there by trotting him through Target and filling a trolley with all sort of things we thought he'd need. We hit the road the day after I landed, travelling about 7 hrs to visit my parents. My sis and her son met us there. We had baking sun on Mom & Dad's deck, good conversation, fantastic food, had the firepit roaring at night and a waterballoon fight one afternoon! My daughter and her bf are doing really well and it please me to no end.

Found out I hadn't gotten the one position near the end of the trip. (I'd told them they could email me with my result so they wouldn't have to make my colleagues wait for their results.) Failing that, I knew it meant I'd have to apply for a Manchester position. Another assessment day, just a week after I got back. I had loads of the interview stuff from the previous time, but had to study the person spec again and tailor a few bits. More stalking about, talking to myself.

I didn't want the job in Manchester. I don't want the drive, or the traffic. To avoid the worst of the motorways mess, I applied for the early shift, 7 to 3. Do you know what time I'll be getting up to do that? ugh. So I was wishing they wouldn't give me what I wanted, that they'd offer the 9 to 4 shift and I could turn them down. I even told Lou that I'd considered.. if offered the shift I want, of turning it down anyway cos I'm just so pissed off about it all and tired of the stress... and lying to her saying I didn't get what I wanted.

In the end, I got the shift. And I was a big girl, responsible.. and accepted. Someone's gotta feed the cat, right?

Then, a sis-in-law found another job advert, really close to home. As there were two roles being offered, she shared it with me. So I've spent the last few days putting together another huge application to have in the post by last night! Today is the first time in ages that I've been able to sit at the computer and just surf about!

Yes, there IS a large glass of wine sitting beside the keyboard. Do you blame me?

Home Again, Home Again

2009-05-22T11:55:00.002+01:00

Am back from my visit with the fam. Had a fantastic time.. spoiled the kids, got spoiled ourselves by my parents, giggled with my sister, loved on my nephew, had 90 degree weather for sunburns and a waterballoon fight, harassed everyone and made my face hurt from smiling so much.

The flights were murderous, missed my last flight from Salt Lake City to Montana by only minutes. In fact, the plane was still out there, attached to the walkway but they'd closed the gate and wouldn't even listen to my begging. (yea, I am not above begging.)

I don't know how many hours I was travelling. Forward and back over time zones, Paris, SLC, Montana, Minneapolis, Amsterdam...oh and a road trip to the TriCities in Washington and back, I was damned near comatose when finally stood in front of my own door.

The door opened and she stood there smiling. She'd bunked off work and beat me home, so pleased I was finally back here with her. mmmm, god I missed her.

Blabbing

2009-05-02T11:27:00.006+01:00

I have honestly let the personal (to me) aspect of this go. But it's still touching our lives and my choice is to either go mute, write of inconsequential things.. or to blab.

Blabbing:

A few weeks ago, Lou tried to help a woman by offering her friendship as a form of support. Her intention was misread and the woman became extremely upset when Lou set her straight. Upset to the degree that she became verbally abusive and threatening...

Because they knew eachother through work, and the degree of abuse Lou received, we decided it best she informed her superiors in the event the woman tried to retaliate professionally. Though we felt they'd agree the employers couldn't be affected by this drama, we worried it wouldn't stop the woman from trying and didn't want this landing on someone's desk by way of a surprise complaint. Lou went in, told the story to three in senior management and we were reassured she'd done nothing wrong, that professionally she was safe.

Now, after Lou told her boss what had happened.. and I mean everything, came clean... they agreed that she couldn't have anything more to do with the woman and that she shouldn't talk about it, creating any bias in others. The timing of their mistake of a friendship couldn't have been more perfect as it protected Lou herself from any claim of intentional bias (pos or neg), her professional involvement had been nearly concluded by then anyway .. and being removed from that point on was the responsible thing for all parties concerned.

Since then, the whole freaky thing has been invisible. No more had come and it's felt like she exposed the episode for no good reason at all.

Until yesterday.

The woman had to answer for a couple of events that predate the shit with Lou. It looks like she's trying desperately to shift the blame to others and avoiding any admission of her own responsibility. Yesterday she found out that wasn't working.

In the midst of this woman's having to answer for those other events, she's realised Lou isn't working with her any longer. In spite of telling Lou she didn't want her involved with her work, the woman wrote to Lou's colleague demanding to know why. As all correspondence is now to be through their boss, this question was dutifully forwarded. We don't know if it was answered.

I think she's freaked out now. Yesterday she sent an email to Lou's work addy informing her she'd 'had to tell an advisor all that had happened'.

It's our opinion that the woman is widening her scope, going with the shotgun approach now and intending to blame anyone and everyone, perhaps even burn the house down to distract from the shit she created.

It's probably no surprise we were up until two o'clock last night, analysing each and every angle we could come up with. Lou and I talked away two bottles of wine, trying to anticipate the woman's behaviour. Sad really, when we know there's nothing we can do about the situation, that it's all out of our hands. I guess we just don't want to be surprised and have a need to reassure ourselves that no matter what approach, Loubie really is covered.

The only house the woman will be torching is her own and we can only sit and watch the smoke.

What say mate?

2009-04-23T19:46:00.003+01:00

We say Z as 'zee'.
They say Z as 'zed'

We say H as 'aych'.
They say H as 'haych'

What we call a sidewalk, they call pavement. Our garbage is their rubbish. Our fries are their chips and our chips their crisps....

So am I, after having been here for nearly 6 years, sounding more like them? Off and on I will use their words and LOVE to practice their cursing.. but it's not as if I have to adopt another language to make myself understood. So by and large, I haven't.

Lou however, is sounding more and more American. Her coworkers comment on it. I'm afraid I just don't get it. I am surrounded by the lilt of their language, immersed in the lingo and still my natal tongue remains almost unaffected.

Yet with my singular influence, (oh and some american tv programming) Lou ends up being the one whose accent is changing. Is she more sympathetic? Is it because I'm older and more stuck in my ways? Is it just another testament to her being a cunning linguist? haha couldn't resist...

I will say this though, each time I fly back to the States and am first disgorged into any American airport, the volume and accent is jarring and unsettling. People sound funny. Do I sound like THAT? Luckily that feeling doesn't last for more than a few hours.

When I return home, I find the rhythms of british language soothing, along with my cuppa tea.

Randomness

2009-04-22T18:43:00.002+01:00

I've had this thought teasing me, dancing through my brain these last few days..

You know I'm travelling home to see the kids in a few weeks. Now, I hate airports. Loud, uncomfortable but worst of all, boring. No wonder they call them 'terminals' .. like dying a slow death to be stuck in one.

I've pictured myself in one of Lou's shirts as I travel, the one that says, 'shhhh, nobody knows I'm gay' LOL. Bet that trip wouldn't be boring.

Manchester?

2009-04-16T16:57:00.003+01:00

Today the company finally coughed up the salary being offered for the jobs in Manchester. It's been a long three weeks speculating... but if successful, we'll get to keep our current salary, foregoing cost of living increases till we're all on par. This is not cool for the lady who's making £1000/yr less than some others.

Anyone who applies will have to go through an assessment day. Those things are rather harrowing, but I've been through two so I have an idea of what to expect.

They've also taken to heart all the employees who said they'd not apply because of the shift patterns the company wanted. They'd initially figured full time on a rolling rota of 9am to 5 pm and 5pm to 1 am shifts. Weekends included.

On my initial consultation I said I'd not apply because of the shifts. They asked if it wasn't shift work, would I reconsider? I felt like I was lying, never for a minute did I think they'd change their plans.. but I answered yes.

The new offering has 5 positions at 7am to 3pm and five at 9 am to 5 pm along with a few other weekends only and nights only. If I could get either of those day jobs, in spite of the role having been dumbed down (yet widened) .. the money is worth it, for me.

Anyone of us applying for the one job remaining in Liverpool will be graded on a matrix by our line manager and our Area Ops manager. Because the amount of time I've been in post and the shit training I don't feel as strong as three of my coworkers who will certainly apply. But I'm going to go for it anyway. I've managed to pump out prodigious amounts of work and it might stand me in good stead.

Manchester will suck because the M6 is not nice. BUT.. I hate looking for work and I'd have a hard time matching my salary locally. It's said it's better to be employed looking for a new job than to do it while unemployed.

And who knows, they've just opened the new office we're in now. It won't sit barely used forever. Perhaps when they figure out what they're doing with it, something will open up for me and I can come back.

This is me, reasoning with myself :)

Moving Along

2009-04-14T18:02:00.002+01:00

I needed someplace to rage a bit after this last week. But I know absolutely, that Lou never meant for all that crap to happen. She loves me with all her heart and has really suffered over this. Yeah, there were a couple of things that could have been done differently but hey, we all make mistakes.

So thank you for holding my hand a bit, not scolding me in my anger. We're going to be just fine.

Seems right that I tuck those posts away. *poof*
Magically clean slate :)
Yep, I love her that much.

It's Official

2009-04-02T18:36:00.000+01:00

I am an ass.

That is all.

2009-03-26T19:38:00.003Z

So today we got sight of the axe. Big meetings scheduled throughout the whole company. Our dept and one other were grouped in the first meeting.. not a good sign. You know they tell the worst hit first, right?

We are being centralized to Manchester. Our jobs are going automated (how nice to know they can just whip up a program that makes me disappear..) so the jobs that move over will be changed, de-skilled. Probably paid less. They're also going to run them on shifts, seven days a week. There will only be 20 of these permanent positions. We'll all have to reapply for our jobs and go through the interview/appraisal hurdle.

There will remain one court coordinator at our new branch. I expect we'll ALL apply for it. How awful.

I feel like shit. I hate looking for work. It makes me feel useless and invaluable.

And on a slightly different note.. Lou and I were sitting in the livingroom last night. It has been terribly windy here lately so we weren't surprised to hear bits tapping down the chimney. The damper is always left closed so any rubbish that is dislodged will strike that and make noise.

We were only in there for about 15 minutes when the noise got louder, closer. We'd been discussing having the chimney cleaned when the volume and rhythm of the noise made us realize there was something IN the chimney.

Panic stations!! It had to be a bird. It couldn't be left there, but neither of us had the nerve to try getting it out... so I knocked on the neighbors door. The lovely Brian readily came to our assistance. He pushed back the damper, reached in and pulled out... not some tiny sparrow but a fucking gigantic wood pidgeon!! I swear, I couldn't have been more surprised if he'd pulled a whole turkey out of there!

At first I thought it was a massive crow or raven, it was that covered in soot. Brian set it gently in the backyard for us and we all congratulated ourselves on having saved the bird.

Except this morning, it was still there. When I saw it, she was huddled on the ground, dishleveled feathers filthy. I put out seed and water and went to work. Lou called me later, she'd see the bird lurching around the yard. I asked if she'd call the RSPCA , see if they could help.

They came out around lunchtime. Lou said the man was very nice, picked the bird up carefully and checked her out. He said she had been really damaged, that she was an old bird and would most likely have to be put down.

Today I cried for two old birds.

No I'm not crazy,
maybe melodramatic,
definitely hormonal.

Ready, Set...

2009-03-19T22:34:00.002Z

now wait six weeks before 'Go'. LOL

It's the bi-annual trip to visit my kids.. and yes, I'm wearing a GIANT smile and even have goosebumps of pleasure in my happy anticipation.

I already feel better, knowing I'll see them and smell them and hold them close in only a little while. The fretting was getting to me. It was piled up with my recent worry over work and all I could do was think negative things.

But the sun has come out, the weather is warming and the itinerary printed.

We will laugh and eat and gossip together. We will cruise the Valley and accquaint me with all the changes that keep happening there. We will get all caught up on the latest of all things. I will spoil them as much as my wallet will allow. We will invariably wrestle on the livingroom floor. Hopefully my son will realize his extreme strength isn't necessary against Mom anymore.. lol. But I can still get him with tickling. My daughter and I will brush eachother's hair, drink too much coffee and stay up way too late talking about infinitessimally small but terribly important things. They will worry me with tales of their escapades... and impress me with their plans/dreams.

God, I'm like an over-full sponge, sodden with love for the little boogers. I can't wait!!

Hopefully that little tic I develop over my eye will quit now too. As if I didn't know I was getting close to breaking point in kid withdrawal, I have come up with a tiny twitch or tic in my eye/eyebrow when I go too long between visits.

Course, maybe I just miss the airplane food
NOT

Lost

2009-03-09T19:06:00.003Z

I got lost again this morning. Our branch has moved to new offices and I had every intention of figuring out the way over the weekend.. but forgot. So I opted for the motorway route this morning, thinking how hard could it be? The business park is right off a particular exit.. blah blah blah.

Uh huh.. as I got closer, I saw signs announcing that MY exit was closed! I took an earlier one, which looked easy on my map... and got COMPLETELY twisted around. Freaking roundabouts and curvy roads! Almost near tears, I was just about ready to pull over and ring Lynne, see if she could help, when I noticed the name of a road I'd seen before. I gave myself a few hundred more feet down the same road and lo and behold.. I'd arrived!

What pisses me off about the whole thing.. we're all probably going to be made redundant before the end of the year. Yeah, I've fallen in the shit again.

Our company is trialling an new program which automated a lot of my job. There's also whispers of centralizing to Manchester. Sux sux sux...

I ended up parking in the wrong lot when I arrived this morning.. and had to ask how to get the gate to open again for me before I left.

So it's not really any surprise to me that I did something I haven't done for ages.. I nearly got in the wrong side of the car.

Reminds me too.. last week I reached inside the bathroom to turn on the light.. when over here the switches are outside the room. Maybe I'm reverting. Lol, pretty soon I'll be back on the 'wrong' side of the road!!

No Title cos I'm Tired

2009-02-20T23:01:00.003Z

I'm thinking about the travails of coming out, about losing people from our lives and the judgement many of us face in the process.

My little town in Montana had about 4000 to 4500 people in it. I lived there from age 14 to age 39. I knew a lot of people and recognized many faces.

When I think of that time, I am astounded that I stood up and said **this** is who I AM. I knew there would be eddys of conversation swirling in my wake wherever I went, but strangely, I dont recall people saying anything disparaging to me.

Well, except for my parents. And my mother-in-law. My sister was just worried but in a supportive way.

I wonder if perhaps people didn't say anything about it because that's just the way Montana people are. They mind their own business, for the most part.

Maybe it came from me? Once the light clicked on fully and I became aware that I could not love that man properly (much less find the respect I'd once had for him, cos honestly he was growing into a very angry, tightly wound, show off even before I knew what was up with me - sorry, off on a tangent) I knew I could only go forward with this.

I would have to be my authentic self or be miserable forever, knowing it was my own damned fault. Did I grow armor or go blind and deaf? Both?

So he moved out and I came out. I kept working at the bank, right up there on the teller line, and my customers and friends treated me just the same as they always had.

Lou kept coming to visit and we'd go out and about just like I always had.

I would be a mistake to believe NO words were whispered whatsoever. Many of 'our' friends were his from the beginning and rallied round him. Knowing their particular brand of humor, I'm certain MANY comments have been passed. To our faces, we were nice and that was enough for me.

And then I moved. I started over, gay from the get-go. I didn't lose people, they lost me.

And I've not been harassed or bothered in the least.. ok except by some very bored young men on the street who felt compelled to let us know they recognized us as dykes.. mmm hmm, bright boys.

My kids probably got more crap about this than I did. In that regard, I honestly wish it HAD been me.

Flotsam

2009-02-18T22:08:00.002Z

Some things from the deep dark recesses..

My first two children look like their paternal grandmother and paternal grandfather. My third looks like me. I wonder, does she also look like the man I never knew, my birth father?

At age 30 I tried to find that man. At 40 I decided not to try again. Reuniting isn't ever what you expect it to be. I'm not suffering or anything in not knowing..

But I dreamt about him a few nights ago. That was a first. In my dream, he came to my door and identified himself. I told him I wasn't interested. He produced two, very thick stacks of papers and said something indicating they contained letters to me and thoughts about me. I still sent him away. I'm a cold bitch in my dreams ;)

And along another line.

Lou has had a student confess an attraction to her. Seems pretty natural to me. Lou's successful and certain of herself. She's out and not worried about it. Plus she's smart and sexy as hell. Who wouldn't want my woman? Lou laughs, calls me AND the other one crazy. (In truth, the other one MAY very well be Crazy.. note the capital C)

I'm thinking I want a new car. It's Lou's fault, she started it first. But I know if I'd just take my own damned car and wash it and clean it out, I'd be in love with it all over again. How lazy does that make me? I should even consider getting rid of a paid for car.. only 6 yrs old with low mileage.. rather than clean it? I'll wash it eventually, rather than trade it in. I wouldn't really like to have to make payments, in truth.

I AM that lazy though ;)

Bossy

2009-02-04T13:47:00.002Z

On Sunday, somehow, I pinched a nerve in my leg. Starting in my hip joint, the pain burned all the way down my leg, even to my ankle.

This has happened to me once before, though it was years ago. Then I tried to continue on with regular activities and the ache lasted forever. It would even wake me at night. I began to go to a chiropractor hoping that would help. After eight visits at $22 a pop, I asked if he could estimate how far along I was in my therapy. He answered, maybe 20%. I was pissed off, not just for the money going out, which I couldn't afford.. but for the twice a week visits which played havoc with my schedule. I quit going and about a month later, the pain left all on it's own.

Lol, this time was different. I did go to work on Monday. I felt embarrassed, hobbling about but figured I was going to be in pain no matter where I was. Monday night I could barely move. I tried to carry a glass of water into the kitchen and was so hunched over I poured it all over the living room floor! What a dork..

Lynne said to me, you shouldn't go into work tomorrow. But I have this stubbornness about taking time off, I wasn't going to do it. I made her set my alarm for the regular time the next morning. Again, I could barely move. Lynne got bossy. You shouldn't go in to work, you belong in bed. You KNOW those broken-down chairs at work are not going to make this any better!

So I did what she told me to do. I called in sick. I did it again today. I've spent LOADS of time stretched out in bed. It's made an INCREDIBLE difference! The burning down my leg stopped yesterday and today I can even walk upright!

I never like hearing I'm wrong. But she looks after me so well.. it takes the sting out of it. She makes me feel cherished. It feels strange to say it, but she was right and I'm glad I listened.

Just don't tell anyone I said that.

2009-01-31T20:03:00.000Z

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming 'Wow What a Ride" - HST

I love that. I'm not getting older, just working on the 'used up' and 'worn out' bit :)

LOL...

2009-01-29T22:08:00.002Z

I've not been here for a bit. Been rather addicted to Mafia Wars on Facebook. Wish there was some was to make my billions earned there real.

Also been trying to help sort a bit of a prob with a sis-in-law. Mafia money would REALLY come in handy there! But no, all I can buy are fake weapons and properties.

still, doesn't stop me from playing ;) Do YOU play anything online?

COOL!

2009-01-21T07:04:00.003Z

I couldn't decide which one I liked better, so you get both :)

http://obamiconme.pastemagazine.com/

thanks Trop!

ps tookie..

2009-01-14T17:57:00.000Z

gotcha! thanks chick :)

Limbo / Development Years

2009-01-13T19:42:00.002Z

Are you one of the many who would never, not in a million years, return to your high school years? Who may be able to think of a few bright spots, fantastic episodes you'd LOVE to relive, but still wouldn't go for all the pain of the rest of it?

That's how I feel about the three years following my 'outing myself' to my husband (oh AND the high school years too, in case you wondered).

I still felt I loved him when I spoke those words.. but not as physically as he wanted me to. I was aware of the huge issues I was having with him ..outside of sexuality... but was still trying to make excuses for him. Flat out, I think I was scared. He said I was bisexual and I let him believe that.

He gave me permission to look for women lovers. Yeah, I was blown away. To be perfectly fair, I was developing a crush on someone .. a crush I hadn't expected to lead anywhere. But never thought I'd be given a green light to go for it! You may think I'm certifiable for this, it's so contrary... *oh god, can I really tell you this?* I was even a bit pissed off he'd - theoretically- so easily share me with someone else!

My pique lasted for all of ten seconds.

The Diary of Anne Frank

2009-01-10T20:13:00.002Z

Lynne and I just finished watching a tv version of the story last night. Three years ago we visisted the building (now a museum) where Anne and her family hid.

It's shocking and unimaginable, the that an entire ethnic group would be so viciously targeted for extinction. I'm too young to have experienced that time and can't believe that the world didn't know extermination camps existed, didn't see that entire communities of Jews were being rounded up and marched off.. didn't think to ask what was becoming of them.

People say, Never again. Scholars and behavioural scientists study entire lifetimes, trying to understand the mechanisms by which these acts were rationalized. But has the world as a collective come up with any real ways to prevent this kind of aggression? It doesn't look that way.

Lynne mentioned Zimbabwe. I though of Gaza. Darfur. The world pays no attention. We look away. We ask ourselves, what can one small little me do to make a difference? I don't know.

But certainly, the very first step is knowledge.

http://www.antiwar.com/orig/cook.php?articleid=14028
Criticism of Israeli War Crimes Mounts
by Jonathan Cook

I Just Want To Say

2009-01-09T21:10:00.002Z

.. that I wasn't as brave as I make out. That at the time, I didn't quite know where I was going, making a statement to him like I did. At the time, I completely thought he'd laugh at such words, that we'd continue on with the marriage and make changes to our relationship, try to improve it.

Little did I know it would prove to be the beginning of the end for us. I'm not saying that I regret doing it or that I wish I hadn't.

What I found was that speaking them aloud gave them life. Made them more real.

Did I initiate some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy? I don't think so. I knew I was attracted to women. I knew I didn't want another man. What I learned as we went along was that I didn't want him either.

The bravery, if you can even call it that, to me came in my not retracting the words, continuing on that path. Feeling the truth of it grow and not running from it even as it ripped my little family apart.

There are better ways to have said this, more details I could give to illustrate, but I'm not in the mood. I just want to say, being honest with yourself and others is hard. In retrospect it LOOKS like I took giant, purposeful steps. But in reality, the only bravery I felt came in acknowledging and not running from my own truth.

The moon is full tonight. I'm bleeding (somehow appropriate) and spaced on painkillers. I'll most likely be back to edit the shit out of this later. But for now, goodnight.

Decade

2008-12-30T20:26:00.002Z

In November, ten years ago, two very small sentences escaped from my lips. I said to him, 'If you died, I wouldn't look for another man. I would only date women.'

We were in our truck, going to the hospital to visit our friends and their newborn baby. I can't tell you if he looked at me when I spoke those words. My eyes were glued to the road, expecting if not the earth to open and swallow us whole, then at least his shock to cause us to drift off the road, flipping us over the steepest part of Buffalo Hill.

The complete absurdity of the conversation's opening gave my mouth half its momentum. He'd asked, if he died, who could I picture myself being with? He even managed to name two of his friends as options before I cut him off.

This is a perfectly healthy man, only 35 years old. I must admit it felt like he was proposing I start messing around with his friends... or that he was fishing for an 'open relationship'. I'm pretty sure it got WAAY more open than he was figuring.

The other half of my momentum came from the newness of this self-awareness. I didn't know from birth that I was gay. There were a few lovely 'interludes' where I should have understood my inclinations.. but I was dense. I had thought I was bad, but GAY just didn't occur to me. I was also insecure. With my giant glasses and tall geekyness, I had plenty to lament already and never looked any deeper.

But a light had clicked on inside me that year. I'd felt desire like never before and finally looked clearly at what it meant, what it said about me.

I was still very knew to this knowledge, and hadn't thought forward with it. As it was, in a glib and offhand manner, I lit the fuse to a bomb that threw all our lives to places undreamt.

I regret the pain I came to cause, most of all to our children. I will regret that pain and upheaval until the day I die. But if I had tried to deny that I am gay, I expect I would already be dead inside, despised ashes of my former self.

Instead, I am profoundly happy. The love we have is gorgeous and I enjoy every last detail of what we have together. There are no longer gaps, anything missing or the need for fantasies to carry me through. I no longer keep bitch journals or cry for my feelings of isolation in this world. She is a miracle I never expected a decade ago.

Does fortune favor the brave? I think perhaps it does.

Moi ~

2008-12-26T19:25:00.002Z

Lets101 Quizzes - online fun quiz

'.. but will still knock you out.' LMAO...

Traditional Rudy

2008-12-17T18:57:00.003Z

This is Rudy. He is my christmas tradition.

When my son was one year old, we travelled up from California to Seattle to spend the holidays with my family. My sister and her husband were living there with their little boy by then and it was the first time the kids had ever spent time in eachother's company. It was a little manic.

My memories are a bit sketchy, I was tired from the drive and the demands of the little one, so please forgive me if I can't be concise.. But, this Rudy appeared at Mom's and the decision was taken that he should go on the tree. We laughed and celebrated, congratulating ourselves on our fine decorating.

Years later and I have Rudy. THE Rudy? A Rudy.. I'm not sure. For a few years, we even had a mini Rudy too. But every year, from that time forward, whether the rest of the family remember or not, I make sure that Rudy goes on the tree. It's my tradition.

He reminds me of family. Of gathering together. My boy's first snowfall. My sister and her son. Her ex, my ex and all the hopes we had of living the Cleaver's life. My parents, giddy in their grandparent-hood. My old dog, a brilliant black lab named Missy who tolerated those curious, rambunctious boys.

I hope my children remember Rudy like Tookie's family remembers her father's snowman.

Merry Christmas and Happy Families to all.

Scary me

2008-12-11T18:49:00.003Z

A girl at work is very possessive of a specific chair and will force it's return from anyone who dares to be sitting in it when she arrives. A paltry, pitiful thing to be fussing over but considering most of the chairs in our office are broken, it's first come-first served for everyone.. except those who either bought their own chairs OR have a certain one for health reasons. She has neither.

So the other day I am in this chair. It wasn't done on purpose, the night crew moves them around and I just plopped into this chair at an empty desk. I'm working away when in comes the girl, makes a big show of looking for 'her' chair and finds it under my ass.

Now normally, she will take hold of the chair and insist people get out. But she didn't with me. She only said I'll have that tomorrow. I nodded in an offhand manner.

The next day she comes in and I'm in that chair again. I didn't hunt it down, it was still where I'd been from the day before. If she'd arrived before me, fair game, it would have been hers. Because I'd nodded I probably would have given it to her if she'd said anything. Yes, I'd decided to say a few words on the subject, something along the lines of.. because I agreed but not happening again sort of stuff. But she said not a word.

This has been a topic of conversation in the office. No one else will speak their mind and resentment simmers towards her. So I asked a co worker I consider a friend.. why do you suppose she's not in my face about this? What she said surprised me.

She said I myself know you are a lovely person, but of all the people in here, you are the last person I would want to piss off! She said, not that you've ever given any reason for me to feel like that, but it's the truth. I asked if it was my 'foreign-ness' perhaps making me unpredictable to them? Another friend said yes, something said with a different accent can be taken more seriously, or not as was intended.

Can you picture the bemusement on my face, the bewildered questioning arc to my brows? It makes me wonder about the disparity between the way I am viewed by others and the way I think of myself...

I WILL speak my mind, but very carefully, with words chosen specifically not to offend or blanket with sweeping generalizations. It doesn't happen often at all, in fact really hasn't happened at this new place of work except for once when I convinced a manager not to delay in speaking to us about a subject we had all worried over. But that was just me being ballsy and convincing :)

Have I successfully covered up the shy girl I am? It's true I am conscious of the old 'doormat' feeling and will do what I can to avoid it now.. But I still cry when I'm angry or overly frustrated. I still feel intimidated by many things. I just practice my serene face and reassure myself that knowledge or understanding will come to me in it's own time. I strive for patience.

Maybe they think me too strange to be predictable. After all, I left the 'Golden land of America' to come live among them. Left my family, my kids and everything I knew to come to a city ranked one of the most socio-economically deprived regions in the nation. People look at me in shock to hear I've relocated for love. What are you doing HERE!??.. I hear it all the time.

Am I strange? Would any American who moves here be seen the same or is it just me?

mmm.
introspection over.
For now.

Saturday

2008-11-30T10:34:00.006Z

It started with a text off Rz, a fabulous person with whom to discuss politics and the state of the world. The text said the BNP are leafleting Liverpool and a protest is being organized.

Now, I don't know much about british politics. But a political party that says things like 'multiculturalism kills' and other racist bs, is a party that NEEDS to be protested. People need to stand up and let others know that this party's basic premise is unacceptable. Specifically people like me, an immigrant, gay woman.

We took the train into town, arriving early at the bottom of Bold St. It was foggy, cold and damp out. A small crowd, university students and many very obviously gay peeps among others, were already assembled in the plaza in front of the Co-Op Bank. We took fliers, pasted on Unity stickers and were given placards to wave.

A few speakers stepped up before the mike to rally us. Music was played. We chanted slogans. Then it was announced that the BNP had changed their mind and weren't coming back to Liverpool after all. We all cheered. A parade was announced, until the police moved to block us.

So our organizers thought better of the parade idea. We chanted some more, music was played and we congratulated ourselves on dissuading the BNP from passing out their hate lit to our city. Eventually we returned our signs and slipped off into the crowds for a bit of christmas shopping.

I saw the new Liverpool 1 shopping center, defrosted my toes in department stores and bought a few bits. When we came back outside, we could see a small group of people waving the Union Jack and St George's flag... We hurried over and sure enough, the BNP were there.

We walked straight through their crowd, rejecting their fliers and rejoined our protesters. The police swarmed around us, standing shoulder to shoulder, blocking us from reaching the BNP. They also prohibited us from leaving our crowd. We were pinched off, separated into two groups. We lost Rz then. Our group was slowly walked away, back to our original protest site. The police didn't so much push, but moved us as a group, herding us with their bodies. Shoppers on the sidelines gawped and took pictures with their mobile phones.

Nk and I were worried about Rz but eventually her group was rejoined with ours and we found eachother. The police were very nice, but very impressive in such multitudes. The mounted police were out too, weird to see horses wearing eye protection...

We were kept clumped together for maybe an hour. We shouted and waved signs, had our pictures taken by all sorts. The police herded us up the street, then back down, then over to one side of the street. Still they refused to allow us to disperse. I believe they were over moving the BNP along because we were told they were gone and shortly thereafter were allowed to leave after we'd calmed.

It was my first protest and I was glad to have been there. At times I was scared, or worried, always careful in the knowledge that I will lose my job if I get arrested.. but the activist community feels so inclusive, so caring that it was an exhilirating day overall.

Someone already has flickr pics up... search for liverpool bnp protest if you're interested. Or you can check out the local news http://www.itvlocal.com/granada/news/
3 min 10 sec into the broadcast.

Hey.. youtube has a few vids up too. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=NOnHNo3vCLI&feature=related. You can see all the police in a few of them.. and me and my friends as well, if you're sharp! Can you spot my blue vest and rainbow scarf?

Jinxed...

2008-11-25T09:04:00.002Z

Ja sent me a bit of a game this weekend, by phone. He text'd me asking If I saw him sitting in the back of a police car, what would he be getting arrested for? The idea is to text back the crime you believe he was capable of having committed, then forward the thing to others to see what crime they thing YOU might do.

Clear as mud? Anyway.. Ja was arrested for lipping off to the officers, according to me. In return, I was arrested for Poison by apple pie (No Pie for YOU!), indecent exposure and prostitution, of all things!

Last night on my way home, I notice there's a police car just behind me, in the next lane over, as I merge onto the motorway. So I rein it in, resist the impulse to squash my pedal to 80 and just sit in the slow lane hoping he'll go by and disappear.

He didn't give me a lot of time to feel nervous. His headlights pulled in behind me at the same time he hit his colored lights. My stomach sunk.

No, I wasn't about to get arrested for indecent exposure or ANYTHING to do with pie.. and I wasn't arrested. My MOT had expired. Lou and I had only been talking about it the night before... and I'd told myself I needed to get it done, although I still wasn't sure what date it was up.

Well, now I know. All these years I've been here, I've been doing it wrong. MOT has it's own birthday, NOT the same as when the tax is payable. My lesson has cost me £60.

I'm taking the day off to get the car's MOT done.

Explore an idea with me?

2008-11-22T12:57:00.003Z

Credit crunch and consumer confidence.

I simplify the matter for my own wee brain to carry. Therefore;

If it's true that personal spending is the engine of our economy (for better or worse)

and people aren't spending because we're afraid for our jobs, businesses closing.. or the cost of things going mad (witness gas prices in the last 6 months alone)

annnd the finance sector is still getting loads of our money anyway through the bailout and assorted other recent tax breaks, like I copied in my earlier post... and now the insurance guarantees to big banks from the FDIC... http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/11/21/fdic-tries-to-break-lendi_n_145603.html

which btw says, 'The FDIC will back new senior unsecured debt that banks issue to each other between Oct. 14 and June 30, 2009. It would be insured by the agency through June 30, 2012. Senior unsecured debt does not have collateral underlying it but must be repaid before other classes of debt.' (bold added by me)

and I take to read, more worthless shit of the sort that's already done such damage in the first place... more good money thrown after bad in my opinion..

and the banks STILL aren't lending anyway...

Wouldn't Re-Regulation go some good measure towards restoring consumer confidence?

It feels like finance and big money are only trying to take from us anyway. It's not even coming through small businesses, skipping them

I don't understand how anyone can expect all those worthless securities and loans that fueled the credit crunch to be restored to their crack-dream original value. There are going to be failures as everything settles to a more rationalized, actual value. The over-extended will feel the contraction.

But the banks are holding out, trying to avoid their reckoning, trying to realize as much value as they can, cannibalizing our tax coffers and starving our businesses. It's sort of a vicious circle.

How about our nation re-regulated the finacial sector? The shit will continue to fall for a couple of years, but wouldn't it be somehow comforting to know we've at least drawn a line under it? Say the lies stop HERE ->---------------<

naa. Big money rules. The rest of the world is but mere grit beneath it's bootheels.

Huge Post but..

2008-11-11T19:03:00.002Z

A Quiet Windfall for US Banks
Monday 10 Nov 2008 - Amit R. Paley, The Washington Post

The financial world was fixated on Capitol Hill as Congress battled over the Bush administration's request for a $700 billion bailout of the banking industry. In the midst of this late-September drama, the Treasury Department issued a five-sentence notice that attracted almost no public attention.
But corporate tax lawyers quickly realized the enormous implications of the document: Administration officials had just given Amrican banks a windfall of as much as $140 billion.
The sweeping change to two decades of tax policy escaped the notice of lawmakers for several days, as they remained consumed with the controversial bailout bill. When they found out, some legislators were furious. Some congressional staff members have privately concluded that the notice was illegal. But they have worried that saying so publicly could unravel several recent bank mergers made possible by the change and send the economy into an even deeper tailspin.
"Did the Treasury Department have the authority to do this? I think almost every tax expert would agree that the answer is no," said George K. Yin, the former chief of staff of the Joint Committee on Taxation, the nonpartisan congressional authority on taxes. "They basically repealed a 22-year-old law that Congress passed as a backdoor way of providing aid to banks."
The story of the obscure provision underscores what critics in Congress, academia and the legal profession warn are the dangers of the broad authority being exercised by Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson Jr. in addressing the financial crisis. Lawmakers are now looking at whether the new notice was introduced to benefit specific banks, as well as whether it inappropriately accelerated bank takeovers.
The change to Section 382 of the tax code - a provision that limited a kind of tax shelter arising in corporate mergers - came after a two-decade effort by conservative economists and Republican administration officials to eliminate or overhaul the law, which is so little-known that even influential tax experts sometimes draw a blank at its mention. Until the financial meltdown, its opponents thought it would be nearly impossible to revamp the section because this would look like a corporate giveaway, according to lobbyists.
Andrew C. DeSouza, a Treasury spokesman, said the administration had the legal authority to issue the notice as part of its power to interpret the tax code and provide legal guidance to companies. He described the Sept. 30 notice, which allows some banks to keep more money by lowering their taxes, as a way to help financial institutions during a time of economic crisis. "This is part of our overall effort to provide relief," he said.
The Treasury itself did not estimate how much the tax change would cost, DeSouza said.
A Tax Law "Shock"
The guidance issued from the IRS caught even some of the closest followers of tax law off guard because it seemed to come out of the blue when Treasury's work seemed focused almost exclusively on the bailout.
"It was a shock to most of the tax law community. It was one of those things where it pops up on your screen and your jaw drops," said Candace A. Ridgway, a partner at Jones Day, a law firm that represents banks that could benefit from the notice. "I've been in tax law for 20 years, and I've never seen anything like this."
More than a dozen tax lawyers interviewed for this story - including several representing banks that stand to reap billions from the change - said the Treasury had no authority to issue the notice.
Several other tax lawyers, all of whom represent banks, said the change was legal. Like DeSouza, they said the legal authority came from Section 382 itself, which says the secretary can write regulations to "carry out the purposes of this section."
Section 382 of the tax code was created by Congress in 1986 to end what it considered an abuse of the tax system: companies sheltering their profits from taxation by acquiring shell companies whose only real value was the losses on their books. The firms would then use the acquired company's losses to offset their gains and avoid paying taxes.
Lawmakers decried the tax shelters as a scam and created a formula to strictly limit the use of those purchased losses for tax purposes.
But from the beginning, some conservative economists and Republican administration officials criticized the new law as unwieldy and unnecessary meddling by the government in the business world.
"This has never been a good economic policy," said Kenneth W. Gideon, an assistant Treasury secretary for tax policy under President George H.W. Bush and now a partner at Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom, a law firm that represents banks.
The opposition to Section 382 is part of a broader ideological battle over how the tax code deals with a company's losses. Some conservative economists argue that not only should a firm be able to use losses to offset gains, but that in a year when a company only loses money, it should be entitled to a cash refund from the government.
During the current Bush administration, senior officials considered ways to implement some version of the policy. A Treasury paper in December 2007 - issued under the names of Eric Solomon, the top tax policy official in the department, and his deputy, Robert Carroll - criticized limits on the use of losses and suggested that they be relaxed. A logical extension of that argument would be an overhaul of 382, according to Carroll, who left his position as deputy assistant secretary in the Treasury's office of tax policy earlier this year.
Yet lobbyists trying to modify the obscure section found that they could get no traction in Congress or with the Treasury.
"It's really been the third rail of tax policy to touch 382," said Kevin A. Hassett, director of economic policy studies at the American Enterprise Institute.
"The Wells Fargo Ruling"
As turmoil swept financial markets, banking officials stepped up their efforts to change the law.
Senior executives from the banking industry told top Treasury officials at the beginning of the year that Section 382 was bad for businesses because it was preventing mergers, according to Scott E. Talbott, senior vice president for the Financial Services Roundtable, which lobbies for some of the country's largest financial institutions. He declined to identify the executives and said the discussions were not a concerted lobbying effort. Lobbyists for the biotechnology industry also raised concerns about the provision at an April meeting with Solomon, the assistant secretary for tax policy, according to talking points prepared for the session.
DeSouza, the Treasury spokesman, said department officials in August began internal discussions about the tax change. "We received absolutely no requests from any bank or financial institution to do this," he said.
Although the department's action was prompted by spreading troubles in the financial markets, Carroll said, it was consistent with what the Treasury had deemed in the December report to be good tax policy.
The notice was released on a momentous day in the banking industry. It not only came 24 hours after the House of Representatives initially defeated the bailout bill, but also one day after Wachovia agreed to be acquired by Citigroup in a government-brokered deal.
The Treasury notice suddenly made it much more attractive to acquire distressed banks, and Wells Fargo, which had been an earlier suitor for Wachovia, made a new and ultimately successful play to take it over.
The Jones Day law firm said the tax change, which some analysts soon dubbed "the Wells Fargo Ruling," could be worth about $25 billion for Wells Fargo. Wells Fargo declined to comment for this article.
The tax world, meanwhile, was rushing to figure out the full impact of the notice and who was responsible for the change.
Jones Day released a widely circulated commentary that concluded that the change could cost taxpayers about $140 billion. Robert L. Willens, a prominent corporate tax expert in New York City, said the price is more likely to be $105 billion to $110 billion.
Over the next month, two more bank mergers took place with the benefit of the new tax guidance. PNC, which took over National City, saved about $5.1 billion from the modification, about the total amount that it spent to acquire the bank, Willens said. Banco Santander, which took over Sovereign Bancorp, netted an extra $2 billion because of the change, he said. A spokesman for PNC said Willens's estimate was too high but declined to provide an alternate one; Santander declined to comment.
Attorneys representing banks celebrated the notice. The week after it was issued, former Treasury officials now in private practice met with Solomon, the department's top tax policy official. They asked him to relax the limitations on banks even further, so that foreign banks could benefit from the tax break, too.
Congress Looks for Answers
No one in the Treasury informed the tax-writing committees of Congress about this move, which could reduce revenue by tens of billions of dollars. Legislators learned about the notice only days later.
DeSouza, the Treasury spokesman, said Congress is not normally consulted about administrative guidance.
Sen. Charles E. Grassley (R-Iowa), ranking member on the Finance Committee, was particularly outraged and had his staff push for an explanation from the Bush administration, according to congressional aides.
In an off-the-record conference call on Oct. 7, nearly a dozen Capitol Hill staffers demanded answers from Solomon for about an hour. Several of the participants left the call even more convinced that the administration had overstepped its authority, according to people familiar with the conversation.
But lawmakers worried about discussing their concerns publicly. The staff of Sen. Max Baucus (D-Mont.), chairman of the Finance Committee, had asked that the entire conference call be kept secret, according to a person with knowledge of the call.
"We're all nervous about saying that this was illegal because of our fears about the marketplace," said one congressional aide, who like others spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the matter. "To the extent we want to try to publicly stop this, we're going to be gumming up some important deals."
Grassley and Sen. Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.) have publicly expressed concerns about the notice but have so far avoided saying that it is illegal. "Congress wants to help," Grassley said. "We also have a responsibility to make sure power isn't abused and that the sensibilities of Main Street aren't left in the dust as Treasury works to inject remedies into the financial system."
Carol Guthrie, spokeswoman for the Democrats on the Finance Committee, said it is in frequent contact with the Treasury about the financial rescue efforts, including how it exercises authority over tax policy.
Lawmakers are considering legislation to undo the change. According to tax attorneys, no one would have legal standing to file a lawsuit challenging the Treasury notice, so only Congress or Treasury could reverse it. Such action could undo the notice going forward or make it clear that it was never legal, a move that experts say would be unlikely.
But several aides said they were still torn between their belief that the change is illegal and fear of further destabilizing the economy.
"None of us wants to be blamed for ruining these mergers and creating a new Great Depression," one said.
Some legal experts said these under-the-radar objections mirror the objections to the congressional resolution authorizing the war in Iraq.
"It's just like after September 11. Back then no one wanted to be seen as not patriotic, and now no one wants to be seen as not doing all they can to save the financial system," said Lee A. Sheppard, a tax attorney who is a contributing editor at the trade publication Tax Analysts. "We're left now with congressional Democrats that have spines like overcooked spaghetti. So who is going to stop the Treasury secretary from doing whatever he wants?"

Bittersweet

2008-11-05T15:04:00.002Z

I knew I would be staying up all last night to watch the US election returns come in. There was no way I would have been able to sleep, so eagerly have I been anticipating a democratic revolution.

Midnight here is 7pm Eastern, when the first swathe of voting states close. I was at the ready, with the TV set to the newsstations and the laptop beside me, trying to monitor all whispers and prognostications.

It's been said that no Republican has ever won the White House without winning Ohio. At 2.36 hrs here, CNN called Ohio as Obama's. I bounced around on the couch and tried not to shout with glee. At 3.22 hrs, a CNN reporter mentioned a private email from senior Republican advisors who said they ,' see no path to victory at this point.' Permagrin set in.

On another channel, BBC had a broadcast with a panel of 'experts' including John Bolton, US's ex-ambassador to the United Nations. He's an awful man, spreading fear about democrats even to the very end. The BBC newscaster, David Dimbleby let him ramble on for a bit, then pulled him up short, brushing away the non-answer Bolton gave. It seemed hysterically funny to me in the wee small hours.

Montana took forever to come in. In fact, when I went to bed, I still couldn't find anyone offering final stats on how it fared, the race was that tight. I saw my state at 52 % Dem, then 54%, before it began to decrease to 52% again and 51% when I finally quit. OMG, how wiggly did I get when it was at 54%?!!! LOL! Montana is SO republican, to think it even had a chance of flipping was incredible and left me covered in goosebumps.

I texted my daughter right before McCain gave his concession speech. Surprised I was still up, she laughed at me before admitting she was watching the returns herself. We texted eachother all the way through McCain and Obama's speeches. It felt like we were together, sharing a momentous occasion.

I am so proud of my country.

I am disheartened by California though. No one seems to want to call the results on Prop 8 there, but the LA Times is giving it passage by 52%. My birth state looks like it is going to take away the rights of an estimated 18,000 couples and make their weddings invalid.

Gay people are once again codified into a discriminated minority. In spite of the Constitution of the US and the Constitution of the state of California both saying that all men are created equal, and requiring equal treatment for all, gay people are excluded. They are going to amend their state constitution to specifically ALLOW discrimination.

I'm no scholar. I don't know constitutional law. But HOW the hell can this be really happening? My only guess is that the ones who voted for passage of Prop 8 still consider us among the criminal/ psychologically impaired groups... and therefore have no rights?

But we aren't. The American Medical Association doesn't consider homosexuality a deviancy or impairment. The Supreme Court said in Lawrence vs Texas that the govt has no right intruding on our bedrooms so even the old sodomy laws that used to be used agains gays are no longer valid.

But still the states make laws to make us less than. Less than equal, less than protected, less than legally provided for. Not just us but our children as well.

I wish everyone who voted for Prop 8 would sit and think of one way in which they might be considered a minority. Could be by skin color, by choice of religion, by size, eye color, accent, ANYTHING. If laws were passed to exclude YOU from equal rights.. how would you feel? Is that fair?

There must be a way by which amending such a negative thing into any constitution can be called illegal. Somebody with a giant brain needs to figure this out. Not just for gays, but for all of us.

Really, who's rights will be next to go?

When the Nazis came for the communists, I remained silent;I was not a
communist.
When they locked up the social democrats, I remained silent;I was not a social democrat.
When they came for the trade unionists, I did not speak out;I was not a trade unionist.
When they came for the Jews, I remained silent;I was not a Jew.
When they came for me, there was no one left to speak out.

Pastor Martin Niemöller

My Trip

2008-11-04T19:21:00.005Z

I mentioned I was going to go see the kids, right? Huge sigh* Aren't they lovely?

It's weird, I was going banannas, crying for no reason, fretting and feeling so lost. Then I realized all it meant was that I was missing them and had to schedule time with them. It was incredible, the way all my blues and fussiness disappeared as soon as the tickets were booked.

The same day, I realized that I wanted to finish my daughter's quilt. She thinks it was started when she was in third grade, but actually, her brother was the one in third grade. SHE was in first *oh the shame of it all* . It's taken me 12 years. And even with 12 years to finish, it has been done in a rather unconventional manner. No batting then backing, I bought a fleece blanket and in 6 weeks, quilted it directly to the pieced top. It's fluffy and warm and I'm proud of it. She was tickled to see it again.

While I was there my son's car died. On my first day there, I helped him strip out the stereo (worth several times more than the car itself) alongside the tracks by the highway where it had died. The memory already makes me laugh. The more things change, the more they stay the same, eh? Sorry Bubba, I know you'll find another set of wheels soon.

They're both doing SO well, each with a job they enjoy and partners who love them and treat them beautifully.

OOO. Weirdness. On the plane over, there's this lady sitting next to me. From the beginning of the flight, she's asleep with her eye mask on. All of a sudden, she sits up and says to me, I've never had this happen on a plane before.

I'm thinking all sorts of nasty thoughts, cos I'm like that...

and she starts telling me that a lady, maybe my mother or grandmother, wants her to tell me that whatever decision I've been agonizing over, I've made the right choice. To trust my decision and everything is going to be okay.

I'm quite the critic. I want to believe in stuff like this.. but I'm too rational. I realize a few of my fingernails are chewed ragged. Perhaps that's where she's picked up the idea I've agonized over something. I suppose we could all be said to be agonizing over SOMETHING.

It can't be my mom, I say. She's still living. The woman says it feels like a paternal grandmother. Although I know she loved me, I doubt it's her. But I let her continue, it's too fascinating, intriguing.

This stranger takes my hand and strokes my my last fingers. She says I am very intelligent and can even understand complex, scientific stuff. Hands up here, how many people wouldn't take such a compliment?

She's holding my very crooked pinky as if this is some verification of her words, following the zigzag between my knuckles with her forefinger. I didn't have the heart to tell her I slammed that finger in the back of a door when I was seven and it was never straight again. Maybe her mystic guide should have had her turn the finger over, so she could see the big crooked scar that bears testament. But hey, it was entertaining.

Anyway, I'm home. I love my kids, they still love me.

and omg, blogger has fucked my formatting again

Afternoon Sunlight

2008-09-26T18:02:00.003+01:00

I was standing in the spare bedroom this afternoon, admiring the warm colors of the sunlight streaming in through the window. It's a lovely room and makes me feel happy.

My parents stayed in that room when they visited. I wondered if they'd felt any similar vibes. If they'd noticed the light, or the family pictures scattered about. The honest sense of contentment and pleasure...

They saw that in me though. Mom said she'd noticed how happy I was. My sister said I 'felt like the old K she remembered.' It's hard to articulate, especially when I know they're still struggling with the sex thing, but being with her is so much MORE than the sex thing.

It's the feeling in that room that envelops me, everywhere, all the time now. It's finding someone thoughtful, someone who celebrates your accomplishments and boosts you when you need it. She shares the housework with me and LIKES to manage the money. She's GOOD at it. She understands being bored and needing to go out but also values relaxing, cocooning.

Loving her is not being afraid of her. I used to agonize sometimes to find my ex husband's car in the drive ahead of me, or hearing his boots on the front porch. The moods he could come home in, or whip up without notice.. were awful. So often, I found myself with my insides clenched in uneasy anticipation. In all fairness, he wasn't some horrible ogre, and he certainly didn't start out scaring me. For years though, staying up late after he'd gone to bed was when I relaxed.

Lou spoils me rotten. She thinks I'm funny. She cares how my day has gone. She makes me feel proud of the bits I cook up in the kitchen and lets me make my messes knowing I'm a tidy thing at heart.

It's even easy to have a growly day with her. You know when you just find yourself fussy? OMG, I NEVER wanted that to show with my ex husband. It would set him off. That included showing any frustration with the kids. If you wanted him to roar and make everyone uneasy for hours, let him know the kids had been naughty!

With Lou, she just 'reads' me. Straightaway. She understands and we give eachother space, let it just work itself out. She doesn't feel responsible, or defensive or dismissive.

She's such a pleasure to be with.

I suppose there MUST be men out there who make their wives feel like this, right? I want to believe it's possible. But for me, I've found the right place. As for the sex, it's the whipped cream, the sprinkles AND the cherry on top.

MMM.. smells like dinner is done.

I Don't Like Having to Think of a Title

2008-09-26T00:07:00.003+01:00

I love my woman. She's beautiful, oh so sexy, smart and funny. If I make her laugh too hard, she gets hiccups. I am seriously impressed with the career she's made for herself and, even seeing only the last seven years of her efforts, can assure you she's worked incredibly hard for all she's achieved. When she looks at me with her silky grey-blue eyes, I wonder how I could be so lucky.

Work is a crazy place. The court team works in a meduim sized room, most of them secretly snitching the last of the unbroken chairs from eachother, a mad pandemonium of juggling court dates, breach paperwork and arranging cover for the unexpected execution of warrants. There are moments when I wonder if I know enough to be doing some of the tasks I get into.. but I've managed to land in one of the few desks that has it's own phone. And 'mine' rings the loudest. Still I've learned loads this way and many readily offer information and solutions when I get stuck.

It's a custom here to take turns making tea and coffee for coworkers. Some of the more clever ones only offer when the room's nearly empty, when most of the enforcement officers are out at court and there's maybe only 6 or seven of us in the room. If you take first rounds, when everyone's in, it takes two trips, with a fully-laden tray each time. LOL, did I tell you we're one flight up too? The tea routine makes me laugh. Ja, our manager is incredibly finicky about the amount of milk he takes. It's rare for anyone to make it 'properly' and almost more fun to purposely mess up his cuppa just for the faces he makes. Then there are the ones who rarely take their turn at brewing. They get teased too.

It's silly but our cat makes me smile every day. She treats us both differently, looks for a certain kind of loving from me and a different kind from Lou. Luckily the 'I'm laying on you while you sleep' loving is reserved for Lou! Though I do remember waking up one morning, flat on my belly in the bed with Rizzo laying smack between my shoulder blades!

Our veggie garden hasn't been a roaring success. The broccoli got completely eaten with little caterpillars left my those white butterflies. I left the beets too close. There's one artichoke on my bush and ALL the lettuce gave up the will after their first flush. Zucchini are going gangbusters and the potatoes were great. We've even got a few ears of corn. I suspect the dirt needs plenty of improvement, it's quite sandy.

Lou's sister has had her op. What's left of the one side of her lung has yet to keep itself inflated, so she's got to remain in the hospital. It'll be two weeks on Tuesday and she's getting depressed. The docs have said it's only a stage one tumor and they believe they may have got it all.. but we have to wait for the actual cancer docs to confirm. They won't see her till she's recovered from the lung surgery. Nobody know if that means fully-recovered.. like 6 months.. or something else. But everyone is feleing the strain of worry.

My little one goes in for a checkup next Tuesday. We're hoping it shows her kidney function up further and her calcium levels doing better.

I've got so many things to be glad for, reasons to be grateful. The worry and the way it colors my life can feel overwhelming, so this is me, counting my blessings.

Love Is

2008-09-25T23:29:00.004+01:00

Yesterday was Beautiful

2008-09-21T08:44:00.003+01:00

I spent the whole day outside yesterday. We've had the best weather of the entire year and I couldn't drag myself inside.

I trimmed and deadheaded. Pulled the onions and tied them all onto a wire, like you see garlic sometimes, to hang in the garage, hopefully keeping better. Pulled some carrots and found three more zucchini hiding amongst giant prickly leaves.

I pulled the netting off the strawberry bed when I saw a frog trapped in there, then gave those plants their fall haircut. Saw another frog right after I turned over the old onion bed. The big frog jumping against the netting freaked me out. He wasn't exactly pretty (picture a sulferous yellow-green flabby, squished-looking thing) but I'm thinking they must be good for my gardens. I haven't got a pond or any standing water .. they must be in there for the bugs. Perhaps I'll google exactly how to build a frog house for them.

I mowed then edged up more of the lawn. Still haven't finished the edging but that work takes it out of me. All that exertion, bending over, makes me lightheaded, LOL. I rearranged some plants in the flower border and remeasured the space in the veggie garden to better plan the beds next year. I deep-watered a bunch of the potted plants, sinking them into a full bucket of water till they stopped sending up air bubbles. You could feel their gratitude...

Some of the potted plants have grown tatty at the summer's end. Those got chucked into the green bin. I'm wanting winter pansies now, since I saw them on Gardeners World. I feel a trip to the nursery coming on, my petunias won't last much longer either.

The cat kept me company, twining around me when I was on my knees, tickling me with her tail. If I sat in a chair for too long, she'd bounce onto my lap for a stroke. Wierd that, she won't get onto our laps in the house... I could hear her chattering when the birds came to the feeders and had to put her inside when she stalked and nearly caught one. Naughty puss.

At six it got chilly and by eight it was nearly dark. I made us chicken noodle soup from the leftovers of a pre-cooked chicken we'd had the day before. Lou lit candles in the livingroom, we opened a bottle of wine and watched an Adam Sandler movie, then an Irish comedian and laughed like the little goofballs we are.

Bits

2008-09-18T19:41:00.004+01:00

In four weeks I'm off to see the kids! YAAY! Can't wait!

I'm trying HARD to finish an old project before I go. It's important and I've put it off for far too long. (If I accomplish this goal, I'll post you a pic in a month. Any sooner and it might spoil the surprise.. if I haven't already.)

Last night, Lou said to me, 'in four weeks you'll be on your way home.' I said no, in four weeks I'll be on my way to CF, in five weeks, on my way home. Then I felt startled, I had associated the word 'home' with here. Looks like I may be getting beyond that fuzzy, disassociative state that has me calling the place I'm not 'home'. It's almost painful though, to think that my little Montana valley isn't home.

Had an IM conversation with my son recently. I'd offered the addy here to both the kids many months ago. I didn't know if they'd read it, or if they'd even cared to, but offered it in the spirit of making myself available to them. So Sunshine says to me, I read your blog. You're a good writer, when you let it out. LOL! Thanks Bubba! You're a very talented writer yourself.

It got me to thinking about this space and the diaries I used to keep. Those diaries were pure indulgence, every emotion uncensored. I wallowed, ranted, reiterated fights, railed against perceived unfairness. They were nothing I would ever in a million years want shared. They were too raw. I could see myself being petulant, fighting to keep balance ...but also standing up for myself in at LEAST one place without fear of judgement.

I've missed that space, especially with this terrible summer and that Curse of Threes worry that's been haunting me. It's all left me so scared. The world doesn't seem real in the same ways anymore. It's more ephemeral, like a tissue facade , everything I see just a ruse or a distraction from the things that really matter. It's freaked me out, to tell the truth. And I've wanted someplace to share this feeling.

But I can't bring myself to do it. I self-censor here like mad. I worry such a strong focus, an indulgence for me, would be read wrong. I would be judged.

Is there a way to do this, 'responsibly'? LOL.. How do you self-censor? What little gremlins do YOU hide?

So, Let it Out. That's what I'm working on.

Laugh in an Empty Room..

2008-09-09T20:33:00.003+01:00

They called her 'Caribou Barbie' !!! How freakin perfect!

Read something else too.. A long time ago, I believed the hype about globalization. Really thought it meant bringing the citizens of the third world up to our standard of living. What if it really meant bringing OUR standard of living down to theirs? THAT seems more likely now, doesn't it?

Trickle down is a lie.

Our country is run for the benefit of corporations.

Deregulation encourages corruption and the upward movement of money.

Be back later ~

So, How Gay is It?

2008-09-06T12:48:00.003+01:00

VERY!

Part of my training week had me on the road with a field officer. He was probably in his 50's, easy to talk with and knows his job well. About an hour into our shift, he starts talking about how many gay people are in the company.

Oh yes, I'd noticed them coming in..

He tells me how his best friends there are two women who had been a couple at one time, about the IT guy hired by the company. The IT guy has crazy face piercings and mad hair in addition to being gay.. and we marvelled that the company didn't give a rat's. They hired him because he knows his job.

He's the one who tells me they advertise positions in the pink papers.

I wondered why he was telling me all this. Perhaps he thought to save me shock later? OMG, gays everywhere!?? LOL..

We spoke a little bit about kids and I mentioned mine. He asked if my husband came to the UK with me or was he a Brit. I said that I don't have the husband anymore, we went our separate ways back in the US some time ago and I moved here to be with my girlfriend. He didn't stutter, didn't bat an eye. He asked what she did and how long we've been together!

A few days later, the other new guy who started at my branch the same day as me...yeah, he's gay too.

Fast forward one week and I'm observing in another branch. The woman I'm sat with LOOKS gay and mentions a female room mate. She then did the same thing, 'Was it love that brought you to the UK?'

Yep, I said. We couldn't find a way to get my partner into the US, so I came here to be with her.

Her mouth drops open and she whispers, I'm gay too. (LOL... I didn't say yeah I could tell.)

It's crazy, isn't it? What I think you'll find most interesting is that folks are absolutely STUNNED when I tell them how unequal things are for us in the US. Our nation has plenty of press for being the land of the free and hooowaah, equality. But everyone I've spoken with have been been taken aback by the differences between my country and theirs.

Stuff

2008-09-05T18:48:00.003+01:00

Lou's sis has her surgery next week. We're all trying not to get too twisted before then. It's just that only then will we have any clear answers.. so everyone is supporting eachother and staying (mostly) level.

Her sissy should be well on her way in her recovery by mid October. So with Loubie's blessing, I'm making a quick trip home for a desperately needed kid-fix. The tickets were booked last night. My heart lightened in regard to my kids since we clicked on the last 'send' button.

It's been raining buckets today.

I really like my new job. It's interesting, and I work with some really lovely people.

Oh and know what? My company is FULLL of gay people. The company advertises their positions in the pink newspapers! No shit, folks DON'T BLINK AN EYE if you speak any SORT of gay. I imagine anyone who has any sort of hangups with the concept must either keep it absolutely mute.. or they go somewhere else.

Oh my friends.. the wimmins I could hook you up with. LOADS of les in the crew on the evening shift!

I literally shake my head in wonder.

Light and Dark

2008-08-26T20:20:00.005+01:00

At my new job, the company doesn't have anyone designated as trainers for my role. There's one lady at the Manchester branch who has trained a crew of temps for the last six months and we are being sent up there to learn from them.

We alternate a training days with days in court. I'm diggin on the training cos I want to feel productive, to start getting a handle on my duties. Court is fascinating and will be useful since eventually, I'll be sent there to prosecute warrants. THAT is *hopefully* a good long way off yet.

I have to say, it's exhausting so far. Run, run, run everyday. Maybe get time for lunch. If not, you can hear my stomach rumble in the quiet of court! *blush*

Today, I got sent to shadow our officer at a court about an hours' drive from branch. My manager gave me a GPS, programmed the post code and sent me on my way. Luckily, I had also printed out a few maps at home, because I don't know and have never been showed how to WORK the GPS annnnnd naturally, it fucked up.

NO, I didn't touch it!

I ended up on the promenade of the wrong town. LOL.. but I picked the sweetest little shop to ask where I was. It was a toy store, tiny and charming, full to bursting with bright colors and the most amazing happy feeling! The guy was so nice, pinpointed me on my maps and showed me how to get to the correct town. It took about two hours to make the one hour trip, but I swear, the toy store guy and his beautiful shop were worth it.

The prosecuting officer who I shadowed offered to set the GPS home for me. No thanks, I know where I am now and I plan on keeping it that way. With my maps, I found my own way home.

On another front, we've had more bad news. Lou's sister has been diagnosed with some kind of cancer of the lung. She had pleursy, then bronchitis, then pneumonia, and then funny spots showed up on the X-ray. As you can imagine, we've all been shocked to the core. Any coping at this point could be more accurately labelled as 'staggering around in disbelief'. She's only 20.

I'm going to make a confession to you now.. superstitious shit from my reptilian brain. Has to be from there because I'm not a superstitious person...definitely mental though.

When I found out my niece had been killed, my brain presented me with that specter of airplane crashes happening in threes. You know that one right? Well, somehow my mind morphed that into three bad things will happen all together now. Number two was finding out my daughter's functionality rate had dropped to scary fuck-off levels. Then came this unbelieveable cancer.

I can't even think, much less talk about any ONE of them without feeling the weight in my heart of ALL three together. It hurts like hell.

An indignant, unrepentant, blasphemous bitch, I shake my fist at god and ask him what the hell he's doing to our young women. To MY family.

A Wasted Week

2008-08-10T09:57:00.004+01:00

When I quit my job at the accountancy place, I gave myself a week off before starting the new job. Today is the last day of my time off and I feel sort of bummed that I haven't accomplished much.

Some of it I can blame on my period. I'm either in pain or lethargic from the pain med.Yeah, TMI.. but I'm a girl and that's what happens to girls and if you haven't figured that out yet, you prolly don't belong online.

I didn't get the garage cleaned out. I didn't get the bike tires aired up. Hey though, I did do some baking; two batches of zucchini bread, a pan of sticky buns and a batch of peanut butter cookies!

I spilled something on one of the kitchen chairs yesterday. The seats are cream-colored and after cleaning the spill, the chair looked FILTHY all around the clean spot. Lou and I picked up some dark chocolate colored, suede-like material and I recovered one of the chairs before running out of staples. We'll be picking up more staples today and looking for whatever version of scotchguard they have available here.

We're also going to take a drive to Manchester today. My new employers are holding a training week at a hotel and I've got to know how to get there! Contrary to what I originally thought, I won't be put up in a room there, but will have to commute daily. I do wish we didn't have to start with this, I'm nervous enough and would rather get right into my regular office. *huge sigh* Whatever.. The drive is 45 minutes plus whatever traffic conditions dictate.

I also have to get pictures taken for the security pass, get to go sit in a little photo booth somewhere. Ugh, how ridiculous it makes me feel, waiting for the pics to drop into the little slot, folks LOOKING at you... Let's add in my inability to take a good photo and my crappy, hormonally-landscaped complexion... yeah, I'll be needing a trowel for the makeup today. Or a burkha...

No matter, tomorrow I begin something new. I hope I like this.

Other Side of the Coin

2008-08-03T11:16:00.011+01:00

Since the minute we first walked through this house, we knew the place was begging for decks out the kitchen and livingroom doors. Grown-up play spaces, entertainment areas, chillin space. In all honesty, I figured the cost was going to be huge and that we'd be waiting for a few years before these decks could happen.

Daydreaming and looking for creative input, I started hunting around online for deck building plans. I watched Tommy Walsh on Ground Force create them in every imaginable shape, on all sorts of terrain and gradually an idea grew.

We could build it ourselves. Lou and I discussed how to support it, how to provide access to the plumbing and drains underneath, should it have a railing etc... Belief in ourselves grew.

My family's visit was about a month away when Loubie said, 'Let's take our measurements to the lumber yards and price out the materials.' I should know by now, with Lou that means we're buying it! Today.

All in all the men were very helpful. They told us how close to space the supports, how best to order the lengths to get the best cost and have the deck be made of whole lengths instead of pieces. They were a bit petulant about the surface, saying that we HAD to have this slotted side up in order for the rainwater to drain off. Safety and all that..

Now, I've stood on those slotted pieces barefoot and they hurt. The slots actually catch crap, making the deck untidy and promoting decay. I knew that with the right gaps between the boards, the water will run off AND.. if we can build perfectly nice decks with treated 2X4's in the US, it can be done HERE! We whispered to eachother, 'We'll just turn the pieces over, use them smooth-side up.' £400 later we were off to await delivery.

The project had to wait a week while I flew to Seattle but when I got back, the weather had turned in our favor! It took us just two days to complete. We didn't get any pictures that include the cross-braces, but don't worry, they're in there. You can see our Project Supervisor, Rizzo checking out our work. A few weeks later we made the removable covers for the drains. There's work left to do yet, in building a box/seat to cover the last big drain, but that'll need another materials run.

Three weeks later, we bought a gorgeous patio set. Display model, we got it for half price!

We spent loads of time out there when my family visited. The space feels exactly like we imagined.. happy and casual.

It's not too silly to call it a dream come true. :)

(and again.. why does this program eff up my paragraphs when I use photos? If you know how to fix this, could someone please let me know?)

Coin Toss

2008-08-02T21:41:00.004+01:00

It's officially been too long when it takes three tries to log in properly.. but nevermind.

I'm going to flip a coin to decide what to write about. Mmmm, sorry but the heavy shit wins.

At the end of May, my 16 yr old niece was killed by a drunk driver. He lost control of his vehicle and she died right there on the sidewalk where he'd hit her.

Then one of Lou's younger sisters went back into the hospital with pneumonia for the second time in a month. She had everyone terribly worried. The doc said if she hadn't been so young, she'd probably have died from this. She's home from the hospital now, doing better but still not released for work yet.

Then there's my daughter. Born with just one kidney, she's had another infection. Her specialist did a test to gauge the percentage of it's functionality. Five years ago she was at 45%. This time, he said 19%... Donor list eligibility starts at 20% he said.

Now, she's taken antibiotics and when that didn't kill the beasties, was given even stronger ones. Restested, she's at 23% functionality now. So now we wait. For what? Further deterioration? I guess so, she's not being given any other options...

I hate this. I can talk about it rationally with her, with Lou. But when it's quiet and I'm all alone, I can't let my mind go there. I'm scared.

I never used to worry that she'd be taken from us. She's too healthy, too busy, too sweet, too savvy... I'd rationalize. I ALWAYS felt she would be okay!

But this confluence of events has severely shaken my confidence. My niece is actually gone. We thought Lou's sis wouldn't make it.. and now my fear for my daughter is real.

That Tapping Noise..

2008-07-19T10:04:00.003+01:00

Omg, where IS that noise coming from? Can you hear it? It's an insistent noise, a waiting sound, feigned patience.. OH wait. Hi Nelle! I didn't see you over there. How ya doing? *cheesy grin*

LOL! Sorry, just messing with ya. Here are the details of my new job, as requested;

This company is hired by the Dept of Justice. I will be working for the part of their operations who monitor parolees & probationers on tag. When an individual subject breaches their tagging order, operatives check out the circumstances and file a report at the office. My job, as a court co-ordinator, is to create a file of the breach for presentation at court. After a few months, I will also be trained to present in front of the judge myself.

I'll be working 40 hrs a week, no evenings or weekends. I'll get 5 wks paid vacation and 8 bank holidays a year. I can join a pension scheme. And there's plenty of scope for moving up within the company. My salary will be about £4500 a year more than it is currently!

My biggest worry is the public speaking aspect, however I know it's something I CAN do. It's just uncomfortable for me at the first few instances. Everything has a routine and as soon as I learn that routine and can become comfortable with it, standing in front of a man in a curly powdered wig and calling him 'Your Worship' will only induce paroxysms of laughter, not stage fright!

It astounds me that it took so long to get a decent job offer. For this job, one of the things I have on my favor is a spotless police record. Apparently the last few of their hires have had to be turned away for either lying about having a record on their application or having unspent convictions. I am SQUEAKY clean :)

I applied for this same job over a year ago with no luck.. and no feedback to say why. We wondered if it could have been my visa status, only temporary then. This time, Lou's brother-in-law who works there did a favor for me. I didn't see the job advertised and after the closing date, he wrangled permission for me to do a late application. I got invited to the assessment day and felt I made a good show of myself.

Later I got the letter saying someone else had done better, sorry blah blah blah. Then, out of the blue, the job's mine again, if I want it! The other lady, who I'd met and who seemed even more sweet and innocent than I could EVER have been, apparently lied on her application about a police record!

My first week of employment with them will be spent at an induction course.. about an hours' drive from home and too expensive, gas-wise, to commute. I'll be taking them up on their offer of a paid hotel room. I'll be suffering newbie-nerves AND Loubie-withdrawl at the same time!!!

So Much

2008-07-17T12:39:00.003+01:00

It's been ages since I've been able to face this page. Just looking at the last few posts made anything I wanted to write feel so insignificant. But things move on and the days pass whether or not I write about them. I might as well take my pleasure as I find it, indulging in my scribbles.

Mom, Dad & sister came to visit last week. We were so excited for their arrival and had a fantastic time (in spite of the wet weather!).

We took my sis to Lou's sis's 21st bday party the night they arrived. Mom & Dad hit the bed near-immediately!

Took everyone to another sis's 20th bday party, where my fam met most all of hers. They had a blast and felt completely comfortable with everyone. Dad cried later telling me how much he liked them all and how reassured he felt knowing I was surrounded by people he could see cared about us.

I took them to a local, very old church early one afternoon. The grounds are lovely and they're interested in old churchyards. The maintenance men were there and offered to let us into the church, first time I've EVER seen it opened!! So we browsed, alone for over an hour. The place is really old, the original building dating to 1100 or so. Inside even has two sarcophagi (?) of knights from the crusades! The whole place is amazing, there's so much history.

We were all ready to leave when the man came back and offered to take us into the bell tower! OM freakingG! We went up some crazy-skinny steps, straight up like a spiral staircase. It's the first time in my life I've ever felt claustrophobic but I took a breather in the clock room beneath the bells and felt better. Above the bells, we went out onto the little walkway around the tower to take in the view.

We had lunch in the nearby pub afterwards. I was surprised the way the day turned out as I'd worried I wouldn't be able to show them a good time on my own. (Lou HAD to work that day). But it was even better than I'd imagined and the fam even later said they thought it was the best day out they'd had while here!

Another day we took the train into Liverpool. They saw the Liver Building and Albert Dock. Went into the Slavery Museum there, then took a black cab to the Anglican Cathedral. Then we walked over to the Cavern district and into the Cavern where the Beatles played. We finished off with drinks at Flanagan's, an Irish Pub, before heading home.

They wanted more time in Liverpool so the next day I took them back to the station and they headed in on their own. They went back into the Slavery museum and did the Maritime Museum as well. The Tate's down there too, but Dad said he has no interest in modern art so they skipped that one. My sis said they got a bit lost on their way back to the station and she could tell Mom was getting tired (tho she wouldn't say so).

On another day we took them to Chester, so they could see the walls of the old Roman town there and the unearthed ampitheatre. The town is pretty, lots of tudor style, black and white timbered buildings and an unusual 'main street'. I was disappointed in that the tourist centre was closed for remodeling - they used to have excavated roman things on display there.. and a few interesting portions of the ampitheatre that I'd seen have now been recovered for preservation sake.

We did bbq's at the house when the weather allowed and one night got the firepit blazing and sat around it telling stories and drinking wine.

It was quite exhausting and has taken a few days to recover from all the activity. We took them to the airport on Sunday for the next leg of their trip, a week in Ireland, where Dad's family comes from. From the things they've told me... Ireland has been an adventure.

They fly back to Manchester this Friday and have an 8 hr layover before they head to London and on home. We'll meet them for a bit in Manchester before they go, to hear stories and see pics of Ireland. (LOL, they found what we believe to be Dad's grandad's old house - it's a halfway house now!)

Oh and if you've followed me this far... Friday before they arrived, Lou took a message for me. I have a new job, starting Aug 11th!! YAAAAAYYYYY!!!

sigh

2008-06-19T18:45:00.004+01:00

I'm having a hard time trying to move forward from my last two blogs. I can't just switch off and begin to speak as if nothing has happened. So I have to revisit this subject and know it will hurt. Still..

My niece.. what can I say? She was a typical, rebellious teen. She loved her mother and brother dearly and should have had many more decades on this planet to enjoy life, to define who she was and chase her own dreams. But she won't get that opportunity.

There are things I could tell you, things I learned and saw, memories stirred... but this feels too close, too private to share. Her loss was abrupt, a brutal horrible thing and even experiencing it second-hand, through the whispers of my little sister is incredibly hard to bear. I won't sensationalize it with her details.

There is one thing from the service I will share though. My sister found her daughter's baptismal candle. The pastor lit it during the ceremony, remembering her as a young child. He led us out of the church carrying that lit candle and I remember knowing that if I were anywhere near when it was blown out, that I would collapse into a wailing, snivelling heap. But as we followed right behind him, walking up the aisle, our pain visible to the rest of the (completely filled) church, my eyes fell upon the small figure of my little sister. I was her protector, bulldog, point-man. I let go of my worry over the candle and followed her instead, determined to do anything and everything she needed to get through the reception to follow.

It wasn't enough. I know it can never be enough. The pain is unavoidable and I expect it will be for a good long time. For all of us.

In my next blog, I WILL move on. Like before, just remember

Life is short. Love eachother.

Thanks

2008-05-27T11:36:00.002+01:00

I appreciate your kind thoughts, friends. Thank you for the hugs.

Tomorrow I'll be flying to Seattle. Going via Paris, this is scheduled to be the shortest ever of all my flights back, only 13 hours travelling instead of the usual 20-22 hours. I wish Lou could come with me, but the trip is expensive AND she has lost her passport. I miss her already and don't want to do this on my own.

The family visited the crash site yesterday, met the man living nearby who held my niece as her life dimmed and left her.

Life is short. Love eachother.

Numb

2008-05-25T10:46:00.007+01:00

I have only one sibling, a little sister. She's a gorgeous person; funny, smart and generous. She's fought tooth and nail to keep her family together through some of the worst crap life can throw at a person.

Last night I got word that her daughter, my 16 year old niece, has been killed by a drunk driver.

IF there is a god... and IF I ever get to meet him, he'd better have some awfully good answers and he'd better give me those answers fast because I swear I'm going to beat the shit out of him as soon as we meet.

Champions League Final

2008-05-21T21:48:00.004+01:00

It's a European football (soccer to you, US) league. This year, both finalists are from Britain.

Even though Chelsea knocked our fav team, Liverpool, out of the running, we're rooting for them.

The opponent is Manchester United *booooo* (won't give the color of Man U cos I dislike them THAT much!)

The playoff is in Russia. Folks wanting to go for the game were worried about the visa process. Room bookings went fast. But I just saw a shot of young Russian soldiers trading their hats for the shirts of a few Manchester fans. I like that kind of thing. Sometimes there are transcending experiences, brought about by the gathering together for a shared common interest.. Moments whose humanity and purity make my heart sing.

One afternoon, Lou and I were watching Liverpool play Everton, another bitter rival. Well, Everton won and at the end, they showed this shot of a young Everton fan, standing in the afternoon sunshine, his face just a picture of joy. I mentioned to Lou what a fabulous day that boy was having and how great it made me feel for him.

LOL.. I got snarled at for that. Footie is taken that seriously!

Attitude at Work

2008-05-10T08:24:00.002+01:00

If you know me, you know how much I love my job. Well now, wait. I DO love it when I have loads of work. Pile it on to where I can barely come up for air and I'm happy. I like to be busy. If I've GOT to be there, lets at least be productively involved in something that requires a functioning brain.

The major bitch I have is that we're NOT busy. My post can be regularly counted on only two hands, where we used to get 60 to 90 pieces a day. Oh man, that was glorious... freaking humping all day just to get the stuff processed and back out... Head down, completely absorbed in the fine print and coordinating phone calls, time flew for me back then.

With all this extra time on my hands, and a certain department relocating closer to me.. . I can feel some attitude developing. I'm doing stuff I know I'm not supposed to, like using my mobile at work to text Lou and occasionally taking a smoke break without ever making up the time. I also seem to have less of a filter on my computer than everyone else has. So I read online news when the boss is out of the office.

Somedays I sit and FUME at that certain department. It contains four women, one 21, one 26 and the other two are about 35-ish. All but one drive me batshit. They argue, pick on eachother and rip eachother to shreds behind their backs. They do this loudly. There's no attempt to be gracious or kind, they're obstinate in their being disagreeable. It's like they're proud of themselves for being .. what..? firm, headstrong, fucking annoying?

It occurred to me the other day that when my kids used to bicker similarly, I used to either send them to their rooms or throw them in the backyard so I didn't have to listen to it.

The office manager just lets them get on with it. She won't or can't stop it.

And me? I'm stuck either scanning year old expenses OR ripping pre-2002 tax returns from musty folders.

I had to explain the term 'going postal'.

Bank Holiday, YAY

2008-05-05T09:03:00.006+01:00

Here in the month of May, we get two bank holidays. A three day weekend at both the beginning and the end of the month. YAAAY! There should be a three day weekend included in every month..

A few of Lou's sisters came by on Saturday. The weather was gorgeous and I was outside putting more stain on the fence. ( I think it's going to take about a bazillion coats to cover that awful orange color.. and btw, who decided orange is a realistic wood color? It's like being trapped inside a pumpkin out there) ANYways.. They're all sitting around the patio table as I stain and the youngest starts bugging us to go out to town with her. I didn't realize Lou was making that 'I dunno' face and I hollered, 'I might be tempted!'

Presto bingo, Sunday night we're heading to town. I didn't realize ALL the sisters were coming.. okay wait, one went to bingo instead.. but there were 6 of them there, counting my honey. I almost wanted to back out when I heard everyone was going.. because I thought that meant we'd be heading to the meat-market type clubs.

But we lucked out. We went to two clubs, both gay! YAAY! The first is my favorite, called the Lisbon. It's got some sort of historical designation, so when the club's decor is freshened, it's got to be the same colors.. the ceiling is mauve and gold, very ornate with raised design. The walls are a very dark wood, cosy and nice. http://www.realliverpool.com/company/332

One of the things I really like about a gay club is that I never feel underdressed in one. I had a butchy black T on, bootcut jeans and my doc martins. Lou was dressed similarly, a printed T and her caterpillar boots with boycut jeans. And we fit right in. I love looking at the definite style apparent when you find a large cluster of lesbians together. Lots of Bench logos, low slung jeans and cargo pants... sweet, spiky hair, tanktops (which they call vests here) and tatoos. mmmmm..

I could have stayed there all night. They had karaoke on, some awful singers.. but it sort of invites everyone in the bar to sing along, you know? And we did! The gay boys were singing along too, arms slung over eachother, hips swaying.

Lou and I arrived long before the rest of the sisters. We were stood waiting for seats to open up when we were invited to share a table with three other ladies. Wasn't that nice?

One of the women was looking at Lou like she'd eat her up then and there if given half a chance. (As IF!) Turns out that woman was looking for a gf. She'd been out since 4pm and it was nearing 10 so I have to tell myself she was probably tired.. BUT.. poor thing was a bit pitiful looking and a bit boring and I worry she'll be looking for this gf for a loooong time.

The other two were a couple. One drives a bus. She told us (when her gf went to the loo) that she really didn't love her gf but just kept taking her back each time they split. I was like, omg.. you're telling this to strangers? The gf, we later learn, lives on the same estate Lou's family grew up on, only about four houses down from their old place.

They asked where we live, where we're from and gawped when I said the US. It's awkward to tell people that we met on the internet. So cliche.. But folks seem impressed when they learn we've been together for 7 years.

After the Lisbon, we went to Chicago's, a few streets down, around the corner. Omg, I saw some guys fighting, and falling down in the middle of the street, in front of a BUS! The look on the driver's face was funny yet sad, like it was no big deal. It must happen a lot.

I have to tell you, town is crazy here. The scene at night is like nothing I could ever have imagined. The women are absolutely tarted out.. the slinkiest nothing-est, clothes. Like stuff a girl might wear to a New Years Eve party.. to a venue she knows she'll be safe. Everyone gets off-their-faces drunk, staggering all over the street, heels tipping over uneven sidewalks. The men get so drunk they turn belligerent, wanting to fight anything and everyone. They pee in doorways. There are so many people on the street that the cars can barely move and it looks like an outdoor party. It's almost fun but sort of frightening.

Chicago's is another gay bar. They've got the loud club music going in there *thump thump thump, endlessly thump* no lighting but swiveling colored spotlights through manufactured fog. No place to sit (how old do I sound?). But we stayed for a drink.. and a shot of sambuco. Danced, waved our arms, took crazy pictures.. anyone's picture taken near me ended up with rabbit-ears heh heh heh..

After that bar Loubie and I were done. The rest of the girls headed first for Navy's but the line was too long. So they went to Superstar Boudoir. We called a cab and wondered if there was a chippy close enough that we could get a bite before the cab arrived. I was doubtful and good thing too, the guy only took about 15 minutes.

Taxi drivers are crazy but we got home alive. My head hurt this morning, which I don't understand. Besides the shot of sambuco, I only had three pints of beer. But I got up when I woke, threw a couple of ibuprofin in me and am feeling better, thank you.

And we still have all day today to play too. YAAAYYY

Backyard

2008-04-20T13:03:00.004+01:00

My Project:

The previous owners put down massive amounts of gravel in the backyard. All the house programs say to do this for a finished look but I tell you what, walking in gravel is a pain in the neck. It's got to go.

Is this a ton of gravel? Is it several? What do you do with loads of perfectly good gravel? LOL.. Spend money hiring a skip to throw it all away? Try to offer it for sale, to have strangers traipsing thru our space forever as we try to get rid of it?

Well, remember the decks we want to build off the two sets of french doors? I'm going to frame out the decks, then FILL ALL THE SPACE INSIDE with the gravel! I'm going to HIDE it all! LOL. Think it'll work? Theses top two pics are the 'before' shots.

Not too long ago, I noticed the plants we'd brought from the flat had started to show signs of growth. They'd been left heeled-in to a rough trough I'd dug behind the little picket fence and I felt I had to move them quickly.

Border work began. The brick outline will probably be rearranged a bit more, then I'll cement them in properly, and grass the gaps. We're also thinking the green colored fence stain will soften the lines of the fence.

The birds either love the suet mix in the new middle feeder or they're snobs for it's fancier 'dispenser'. We've got yellow and blue finches, tiny robins, blackbirds who sing so pretty and other birds that look like a thrush of some sort. Rizzo twitches at the kitchen doors, watching them.

In the meantime, we'd been to a garden store and I'd picked up some seedling potatoes. They spent a few weeks in the kitchen windowsill, chitting in two george foreman trays. LOL. Inventive? Tidy!!

Yesterday was (past) time for them to go in. I looked a sight, it was cold so I wore a stocking hat and layered up fine, Montana-style. Dug a trough wide enough for two staggered rows. Mixed manure into the bottom and plunked the potatoes in. Got some stain on the fence too, since I was already dressed for the occasion!

Today Aunt Flo has made an appearance. I'm not only sore but crampy too. It sucks, but the weather is even colder and more blowy today. I accomplished a lot yesterday and almost feel I deserve to take it easy today.

Next to do; more compost to mix with the border soil. Half hardy annual seeds planted there along with the last few of the potted plants. Move the very last heeled-in plant from the veggie patch. You can see the hollyhocks in the last picture, to the very left of the line of tarp, right underneath the stain line. They have to go so I can get the patch up and running. Put the shallots and onions in, move the strawberries in and the one blackberry bush I found here when we moved in. Finish painting everything.

I'm excited to do all this, but I wonder if my goal of accomplishing all this in one season will kill me. LOL..

Flooring

2008-04-20T12:47:00.004+01:00

This color is called Cognac. It looks like a cross between cherry and oak to me. Rizzo likes it too.

Progress Report

2008-04-20T11:40:00.003+01:00

This is the bathroom as it was when we first moved in. It's pretty large, in fact bigger than our third bedroom, the 'box room'. Problem was, there was no shower.

We contemplated simply putting in a shower cubicle.. but I really don't like those. They're hard to clean and feel like an upright coffin. So I asked if Lou minded that we get an overhead shower to our bath. She's such a sugarpie, she said okay.

In the process of renovating this room, we also got rid of the steps around the bath. They made it hard to get out of the tub, all slippy and such. Busting the tub loose gave us another foot and a half of floor space.

Cue Lou...yes really, it's me typing here now (making a brief guest appearance, while my lovely lady makes me a latte).

So, the Kimster initiates the destruction of the bathroom as it was, and now Yours Truly is in the process of repainting it. We picked up a few tester pots to try to determine how blue we wanted to go - the rest of the house is painted white or beige at the mo, so we figured it was time for some colour. The tiles along the back wall and around the bath are now white, with a run of blue mosaic tile though it providing a splash of colour. For the walls we've plumped for a pale blue/grey paint appropriately named 'Harbour' (since you probably COULD birth a ship in there lol). I spent yesterday filling cracks, repainting the ceiling and doing the bulk of the cutting in with the blue...today, we get the first coat on the walls. It'll probably be next weekend before the second coat goes up - and then we can start to pull up the floor in readiness for a our new one. But, I'll leave the description of that to Kim...I have a latte waiting with my name on it. :)

This is Kim again, and in adding the current pic of the bath (which ended up at the top), I've COMPLETELY messed up the format of this post. grgrrrGrgRrrr

House Chores

2008-04-06T14:18:00.002+01:00

My vacation is now history and Lou is through her Ofsted inspection at school. She's finished writing her book chapters and I have a bit more job security. It's time to focus our attention back on the house!

The loft has been boarded out so we have extra storage inside. The roof has been repaired and the bathroom has a shower and new tiles. But we're not done yet, oh no, not by a long shot!

We've just purchased very pretty wood flooring and new paint for the bathroom. It took a while to find the right color paint. We wanted a blue but worried the color would feel too cold. After about 5 or 6 tester pots we've settled on one called Harbor. It looks either gray or faint blue, depending on the light. Lou's just ITCHING to get started!

She said she thinks we can lay the new flooring ourselves, and I agree so that's the plan. We even bought a jigsaw! YAY, I LOVE powertools! ( is that nasty ...or just plain typical, coming from a lesbian?)

What will come next? There are a variety of choices! Looking outside, I've got to get the veggie patch tilled if I want a garden this year. Lou brought home fence paint that has to go up first. I'd like to landscape our little front yard. Further off in our plan comes the two decks we want to build off the french doors from the front room and the kitchen. I can see a new circular saw coming for that endeavor!

Inside, we've still got that shocking wallpaper that needs to come down. We're looking at some dark red paints for that wall instead. Some shade of yellow paint for the kitchen and some beige for a few other rooms. My parents have said they are coming to visit this summer and it's turned out to be a real motivator!

2008-03-23T10:38:00.002Z

I'm back from my week in Montana. I've survived the jetlag and managed to get the awful smell of airports out of my nostrils and can now remember how much I thoroughly enjoyed my time with my daughter.

She's just moved into her first (rented) house with her bf. It's an amazing place, perhaps even bigger than our house and still decorated in the offbeat hippy-style of the teacher who owns it. LOL.. yeah, I seriously loved bits of it!!

My daughter is an incredible person. She's got such maturity and generosity of spirit.. while still valuing the mama-hugs and crazy memories of our earlier years together. She took vacation for the whole week I was there and we shopped, hung out and plain talked our heads off! It was absolutely wonderful and I feel like we've connected more deeply and honestly than ever in the past.

She made a few meals, I made a few and we let dominos do the rest. Her bf is sweet and never made me feel an intrusion.. even bought me 4 BOXES of Peeps when I mentioned we don't get them over here!

I stayed out of an almost-fight they nearly had, encouraging her only to boil down to the essence of why she was upset with him (nothing horrible) and secretly cheered her on when she made him gently understand her worry. I wish I was as forthright at her age!

We visited her granddad, laughed about times we'd shared while he was still with us.

We had LONG talks about her Dad and brother. She's so anxious for both of them to reconnect in a meaningful way and knows that nothing she does can facilitate that. It must come honestly from them...

She 'let me' spend a night with my best friend. LOL.. tables turned now.. she's the one who gave permission for ME to be out of her sight. And for the record, it's okay for her to be selfish with me, that she wants my time only warms my heart!

But I stayed with Sus for a night, we got all caught up on the gossip and checked out how the homestead decorating is going, oh and killed off a giant bottle of merlot!

I was so sad when my darling daughter left me at the airport. It physically HURTS to be so far removed from their company.. but on the other hand I was pining for Loubie. Even having both kids everyday would be no substitute for what I feel when I'm with my woman. So I tried not to let my mind linger on missing kids or the long flight ahead of me, but focused on home.. where my heart lives with Lou.

So Drunks Love Us... but Christians?

2008-02-28T21:12:00.005Z

The minute I saw the billboard, I was filled with pride for my new home.

Facing the road from the back of a pub's carpark is the full-sized sign. With giant black letters on a blazing red background, it reads;
Some People are gay.
Get over it.

My heart swelled happily. Lou and I can have a civil union here. We're allowed kinship rights and all the other things married couples are granted. It doesn't feel like any big deal to be gay here.

Two seconds later came the dread conviction this billboard would not go unmolested. It sits unusually low to the ground, in a high traffic area... right outside that pub. I knew without a doubt it's pristine condition would not last for long.

Even the fact a group felt the need to place such a message says it's still needed, that this country isn't as completely accepting as I like to believe. I didn't want to see the response it would surely provoke.

I wish I had taken my camera, made a dork of myself and stopped to photograph the billboard. This morning, only a week later, my prediction has come true and I have missed my chance.

It wasn't as bad as it could have been. We all know the ugly things people could say to deface the message...

someone has written along the bottom,' What does god say?'

I AM sooooo tempted to take up vandalism for this one occasion. All morning long, I've pictured my own spray-painted handwriting added to the billboard.

Love one another
Judge NOT
Dog who?
Prove it!
Turn the other cheek (not the butt cheek) - Lou's contribution

and the least clever but most satisfying;
Fuck OFF!

What would you add?

In Spite of Your Not Asking..

2008-01-30T18:29:00.000Z

I'm going to tell you that I'm disallusioned as fuck about the elections already. Nope, I'm not going to go to the trouble of registering to vote from way over here, just can't see the point.

It feels like all those folks looking to be elected are too afraid to say what they really want to do, if they gain the presidency. They're either afraid of losing votes or being held to their word. Or they're afraid of losing the big money support. The Liberals (especially the ones in Congress) are just as much in bed with big business and preserving old money as the Republicans. Don't you think the Dems would have taken the 'mandate' of the last election when they took the House .. and used it to do something productive? Something earth-shaking? Hasn't happened, freaking chickens.

Will any of them stand up and say it's time the super-rich paid proper taxes? No, it seems everyone's bought the lie about trickle-down economics. Well, it's not trickling, it's evaporating. The jobs are being outsourced, CEO's are making hundreds of thousands of dollars more than ever before, including when they've failed and are given 'Golden Parachutes' on their way out. I should be so lucky, to fail so well!

Trade agreements? Used to think they'd be okay, perhaps raise the standard of the rest of the world. But it hasn't happened like that. You look carefully at all those oh-so-proud Social Responsibility Statements and they use disclaimers like 'within the regional norm' and other such bullshit. You can pretty much deduce that if the rest of the country doesn't pay any attention to workers or human rights, it's not going to be given much consideration in these companies we're now dealing with. Read 'No Logo' by Naomi Klein... it will piss you off, guaranteed.

Obama's all airy-fairy with 'hope' words, nothing concrete. Hillary used to be a Republican and I can't believe she's moved far from those roots. Bill needs to STFU because he's embarrassing the party even further.

And excuse me, but why hasn't congress begun impeachment proceedings yet? Yeah, I'm that mad. I know, I know Nelle, you say it's a distraction from their real job. But look, what real work have they been doing in there, rubberstamping everything W wants anyway? Why even put up a decent fight with the man if he's going to use his 'executive signing statements' to ignore the shit we manage to pass? It's TREASON, ignoring and overriding the rules that have been passed. You CANNOT call it anything else. Who the hell does he think he is?

I'll be back to this later, to refine and use better words. I'm too hot right now to put this together succinctly. Gah, even this rebate package meant to stimulate the ecomony.. crap crap crap. It'll be taxed as income while the cost of the war isn't even reflected on the books properly.

I need to stay away from AlterNet and Huffpo...

Stuff

2008-01-12T17:14:00.000Z

I've got too much to do and it's making me freeze up, turn indecisive. So here's the list;

find cheaper car insurance.. I'm truly being effed by my current provider
decide when (feb/mar/april) I want to visit home
book that flight and time off
find out exactly WHAT mom and dad want to do on their trip over here this summer
calculate if I can afford to host to their expectations (Dad wanted us to rent a canalboat. WAY too expensive so now they want us to tour Ireland)
hope I don't have to talk them out of staying for ages
find out when my daughter has booked to come visit us
fill out the application for another job, the one I've been waiting for
revisit the store where I previously worked to check referee name
oh and smaller to do's....
notify the driver's license place that I've moved
register my car at this new address

then there's the house stuff..
hang two more sets of blinds
measure for lumber for the raised beds to the veggie garden
dig out grass in the front to widen the driveway

and as always, the long-term project that follows me .. finish my daughter's quilt
oh but wait, I either need to make/ buy a quilter's frame or find myself a GIANT needlework hoop to hold it as I work

waffle waffle waffle....

so, I DID manage to cross something off my mental list today. I got the new compost bin set up and filled. I also got my little greenhouse set up and secured against the wind so I won't find it somersaulting across the yard like last time, chucking poor little plants out as it flew by.

Know what Lou's doing? Napping on the couch.

'Borrowed'

2007-12-29T11:36:00.000Z

Frost Feathers and other Fleeting Things~

2007-12-23T11:56:00.000Z

This is my car this morning. Yes, the kitchen window is dirty. And yes, the ONLY drawback to our house is that it sits almost right on the road.. but we're focusing on something else right now. Can you see the frost patterns on my window? With swirls and graceful arcs, the frost has painted patterns like plumage across the windscreen...

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I NEVER appreciate that on work mornings, have to leave the house ten minutes earlier to warm the car and scrape the windows... if I couldn't see out all the way around, I'd be dead before my car was completely on the road. Besides which, it's too dark to see the design at that hour. But it's amazing and pretty and I wanted to share something nice.

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The turkey is beginning it's defrost for Christmas dinner. I had to go to the online conversion chart to determine that 7 kg is actually almost 15.5 lbs and that lil sucker will take about 5.5 hours to cook.

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I'm going to make a sausage and cranberry stuffing, a new recipe for me. The cranberry part feels a bit adventurous... I like them but have never used them fresh. If they're too zingy or strange or whatever, we can just pick them out.

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We've invited two of Lou's sisters and their husbands to dinner with us. The sisters won't even try the stuffing, being very determined that they will only eat X and know with a certainty they would not like Y.. etc.

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One of the sisters, once upon a thanksgiving, told me that she'd not eat my turkey if the stuffing had been cooked inside because it left a flavor in the meat that she didn't like. We're not talking anything fancy here either, just an onion, celery and sage stuffing.

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So I was faced with a decision. Do I stuff or not? As a hostess I feel I should make things my company will enjoy. And they will, we have roasted potatoes with gravy on the menu... but I want more. I want the abundance of taste, the creative process of making something new and the pride of placing some potential new favorite in front of my guests. YEP, I'm stuffing.

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and OMG, how fucked up is this!?? Our tree has died a miserable death, it's lower boughs on the floor, the rest lying against itself like a closed umbrella. Lou was alarmed at the thought of company brushing against it. We laughed when imagining some flambe'd dessert coming to close to it's tinder-dry branches.. but honestly, it was embarrassingly DEAD.

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I offered to take it down if she really wanted. She took her time, agonizing over the decision but last night finally admitted it had to be removed. Christmas is in three days and I took the tree down.

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I shut the blinds when I did it. Our neighbors might eventually come to the conclusion that we're a little nuts.. but we don't need to be proving it to them right from the get-go.

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PS, the unusual paragraph breaks are courtesy of blogger which doesn't seem to understand the purpose of using the spacebar or maybe just doesn't understand what I want it to do but am unable to convey... MUST HAVE PARAGRAPHS!!! (fuckers...)

Durr..

2007-12-12T18:58:00.000Z

He's not avoiding me or blocking my calls..

you know what's coming next, right? Go ahead and just smack me now because yes, I blew things ever further out of proportion..

His mobile phone is cut off till payday.

I'm just glad I didn't bitch about it to him or his sister.

Ass=Nony, Nony=Ass.

Swings and Roundabouts

2007-12-11T21:25:00.000Z

Life has seemed so up and down lately. I mean, my lover is wonderful, the new house is fabulous and I'm not sure I have any right to complain. But you know I'm going to. Not so much for any sort of sympathy or pep-talking, but to more to say.. HAY, no matter how much I fake it, there are rough spots! YOU are not alone. Dig deep enough and trouble has touched us all.

I should say first though that the bank has reimbursed me the money stolen from my account. There's a chance they could try to chase the culprits as I did send in the first invoice which had calls on it! (An invoice I don't have to pay) But I wonder if the bank will do that. It's 'only' £100 and I suppose they probably have bigger thieves to chase.

In a few months I'll pay for a credit check to be certain no one has filed for credit with my details or otherwise fucked me up. It's hard to wait that long, but the fraud guy said it would be a waste of my fee to try it right away.

A few days ago it was my son's 21st birthday. He's still stuck in limbo, in the marines but on track for a discharge.. waiting, bored and frustrated. I called to wish him happy bday and woke him. Ummm.. I knew bad things would come and I was so right.

Things had happened in the few days since I'd spoken to him last. He got upset telling me about it. Then he told me he misses me. I was getting ready for work and already missing him like mad, and I knew this convo would make me cry if it went on. So I tried to jolly him out of it. You'll be fine, it's okay like this, I'm only a call away etc... I said.

He was in a bad way and I regret not taking the time to talk to him. He let me go and I thought he'd feel better in the morning. But a few minutes later by text, he told me to go read his blog. I couldn't get to it till later when I found he'd said some terribly hurtful things. In a public place. Where people who know us both can read.

I seriously wanted to flame my own son. I wanted to lash out at him and point a few choice arguments. I wanted to headbutt the rebuttals into him.. I was so hurt.

But my son was hurting. And missing me, like I miss him AND his sister. So I cranked it in, admitted I had tried to blow it off a bit because of my time constraints and apologized.

He hasn't spoken to me since then. His phone is off to me and he's ignoring my texts. Eventually he'll come around, I keep telling myself.. and till then I won't get angry with him or be sarcastic... but just keep telling him I'm still here.

I miss my kids.

VICTIM!!!!

2007-11-18T00:46:00.000Z

We have a forwarding order in place for our mail, so the post has been a tiny bit late coming to our new address. When it arrives it's like a puzzle to get into, rubberbanded twice with forwarding stickers all over them.

I ripped right into today's bundle because the renewal notice had come for my car insurance. I'm determined to find a better deal and needed to know exactly how many claim free years I've got. Looking at that this evening, Lou walks in with the rest of my mail... four letters from two different mobile phone providers. I probably would have ignored them, thinking they were just advertisements because neither are my service provider. But she points out, one says 'Invoice' on it.

We tear them all open and I am absolutely stunned. I am a victim of bank debit-card fraud. Two letters are duplicates, thanking me for requesting their Terms & Conditions. One is an invoice for the delivery charge of a very FANCY cellphone.

The last letter is confirmation of a direct debit set-up! It's got all my bank info there! You KNOW I phone them first. They tell me I have a standing order monthly debit for what has to be the biggest package they offer. It's 6 TIMES what I use on my pay-as-you-go each month!! The lady was nice but hard to understand as her english was heavily accented. They have to investigate further and will be calling me back on Monday. I was as nice as I could be to her, but am seriously prepared to ramp it up if I don't get what I want on Monday.

I tried calling the company that sent the other letters, the one with the delivery charge. There was no answer and they'll have to wait until tomorrow.

Next up, we hit the computer to cancel that monthly debit and check the account. Lo and behold, while the invoice looks like there was NO charge for this cellphone, the account shows why. £100 has been taken already. I am furious and feel so ... incompetent, frail, ineffectual. It's a horrible, horrible feeling.

Immediate phone call to the bank next. Thank God they're open 24/7! We've blocked my card. I have to go in and change my address in person (because I haven't done it yet) before they can reissue me a new card.

I don't know if I'll be able to get the £100 refunded. But I have hope. Know what blows me away? My name is spelled wrong on everything. And the billing/delivery address is our old place. I think, in the end, that'll be the part that will convince everyone I'm a victim here. Why would I have something delivered to a place I no longer live?

The rest of the evening I've spent wracking my brain, trying to think of what I might have done wrong to leave myself open to this. I diagrammed my movements the few weeks preceeding the fraud. Did I leave a receipt somewhere? Do they even have enough info on them for a badguy to access my account?

Does this have something to do with the laptop going stupid in early September? I thought trojans just caused havoc, not that they stole info... Lou's reassured me that it could easily NOT have been something I did. We see news blurbs with reporters showing bank rubbish containing personal info sitting right out on the streets for any and all to take.

I don't know I don't know I don't know.
Okay, I DO know one thing.. there's going to be some screaming holy hell if I don't get my money back and this problem doesn't clear up quick!