A Year Later

You shut me down. Sent your big email, your mother sent hers. Said you didn't want any contact, that knowing us only brought you pain.

You wrote (paraphrasing) that the pain we've caused you came in the form of not enough loving contact from us. That was the first I'd heard of this. Making a very sharp point here: How could I have known? Your contact with me was next-to-nothing.

You also said you knew I would side with the kids. Was your idea of sides to engage in fb drama? Doing my best to avoid that very thing, you will find I actually counselled to 'leave room for forgiveness'. Apparently it is somehow easier for you and your mother to slate me for something I didn't say rather than give credit for what I did...

Listen, I have always wanted to know you. (Absurdly gross understatement there.) I felt it should be on your terms though, as I could never let myself risk upsetting your life for my needs. Then you called, you came to visit. It was fantastic to finally have the chance.

I didn't push, but always thought we'd grow into a relationship, someday figure out who were were to eachother, for eachother. It hadn't happened and now perhaps never will.

Can't really tell you how very sorry that makes me. I hope you change your mind someday.

Really truly
with love
Always~

Birthmother

Am I Being Silly..

Or could I just be right?

I can say this here cos my kids don't read/ know of the blog's existance...

My daughter is in the process of breaking up with boyfriend of 4 yrs. They've bought a place together, and determining how to sort the home has naturally added to the mess and emotion of the breakup.

I asked my son to provide some emotional support for her and he said he didn't want to get involved. I left it at that.

I'm told he and his sister had a terrible fight, although I don't know and will NOT ask for details, I'm pretty confident it had lots to do with the breakup. Shortly afterward, she told me they'd made up and all was better.

Here's my anxiety though... I haven't heard from him since he text me he wasn't getting involved. I tried to ring him to congratulate his new engagement. I sent a few texts (mostly because it looks like his email has been hacked - we've been getting weird emails). I've heard nothing.

Am I in the doghouse?

Making it worse is the stupid jealousy I fight for their cordial relationship with their stepmom. She's lovely, honestly. I'm glad they've got her in their lives. But when I'm feeling ignored and I see him post that he would have enjoyed her company if they'd been able to join them out for pizza - something inside of me clenches tightly and it takes a lot of reasoning with myself to make it relax.

I was all set to do the full-out assault, make him talk to me .. but pride has stepped in. Let him be upset, it says. He'll 'forgive' you eventually... whatever for, I'm not quite sure but.. yanno. So I'm fighting being all weepy and weird and trying to convince myself I'm just being silly...

that he has a new love.. no time to text his mama.. and would laugh if he knew the emotion this has brought on... maybe his phone has given him trouble or something like that...

I miss my kids.

Petrol is £1.28 a Litre

A gallon is 3.875 litres

So a gallon costs £4.96

£4.96 at today's median conversion rate of 1.58 is $7.85

We are paying $7.85 for a gallon of gas

I drive about 85 miles daily for work and have come to love the fast lane. Keep me away from all those plodding folks, dithering between lanes.. let me sit in the fast lane and GO. Of course it means I really gotta keep my foot in it, about 80mph regularly, though I've caught myself at 90.

This is no good. I'm supposed to be an adult, a responsible grown-up. And I'm doing better at staying at 70. I know my gas gauge doesn't drop as quickly. But seeing the cost in real terms, in dollars shocks the crap out of me and will further strengthen my resolution.

I only hit 80 twice on my way home tonight. Yay me

Gah

I'm over at the newbie's desk, giving a hand with some paperwork, helping her understand what she's looking at on-screen.

She looks at my fingers and very LOUDLY asks, 'Do you chew your nails?'

I reply, Ya, sometimes I do.

and I can't help it, I give her THE LOOK and say 'Thanks for asking'.

Bitch

Mute Off

I've been so terrible at this blogging thing for quite a while now. If you read this you'll actually wish I'd continued on silently.

Work is okay on the surface. I know what I'm doing and I'm good at it, I even enjoy my job.

But the way the company treats us is both dismissive and dominating at the same time. They have just created a position back in a local branch for ONE PERSON only, without posting it and after spending the last year and a half insisting those jobs would NEVER return to branch. Then they sent that one person to us for training, without a word, as if we wouldn't realize the special favor that had been done for her. She didn't want to have to travel to Manchester, and so now she doesn't have to. The rest of us do though.

The fact they sent her to us alone stupifies me. Maybe it's more management telling us to shut up and take it. Like 'fuck you Enforcement, we'll do what we want and you'd better smile as we do it.'

My line manager and I had a word over this. The main point she made was that this certainly didn't happen due to special favors, no matter what the trainee said. Not a word addressing the inequity of the position.

Director's Hour comes each month, where the Director of our division invites concerns and questions and they're supposedly answered. My letter is already half done. I may go down in flames and NEVER ever be promoted but I'll not be a silent victim, complicit in this injustice.

They'll explain it away as 'needs of the company' but I've got a point to make and whether it gets us anywhere or not, am going to speak.

Sorry. That was long, bitching and boring.

Unfortunately, this is pretty much how I am feeling in general right now.

I'm trying to get excited for Christmas but just not feeling it. I've baked about 12 dozen cookies and have them in the freezer for presents and nieghbor plates but still have not got any spirit in me. I've only purchased a few presents so far...

I'm fed up. Bored. Pissed off. Flat.

Sorry. Mute reset.

Travellin ~

This Friday I'm on many planes, bound for Montana. I'm going to see my daughter, YAAYYY!

Luckily, this time I'm flying through Amsterdam and not Paris. They've been having air-controller strikes in France.. along with a multitude of other strikes. I'm not fond of Schipol, it's rather cold and very short on seats near the gates but at least I have short layovers and they aren't on strike.

My son is working in North Dakota and probably won't be able to wiggle any time off to come see me. I'd pout normally but he's employed now and I'm sooo grateful he's doing something he's excited about that I've wound my pouty lip in.

Pinky and I will have a good visit. I want to hear her thoughts on the surgery in Feb and go visit her nephrologist in the valley. We will play with her cats and visit the people where she works. We'll see her friends and the ways the valley has changed. We'll cook together and laugh and I'll have her show me more ways to do my hair.. see if she can convince me not to cut it. Lol!

But I'm having anxiety dreams. This morning I dreamt I lost my purse going through the scanners at some airport.. My passport was gone along with my mobile and all my money. I wasn't going to be able to continue my journey home and Lou would be worried.

After waking, and a good long cuddle, I've come up with a few ideas to keep the anxiety at bay. First of all, having the mobile, I don't even TRY to memorize phone numbers any more. So I've got to get Lou's newest numbers written into my phone book. I won't carry it in my purse like I usually do, but will keep it in my suitcase. (It's carry-on anyway so will always be close at hand.)

Also, although I've got a copy of the front page of my passport here at home, I need to make sure I know where it is AND copy the pages showing my residency permit. I'm sure there are official numbers associated with each of the docs so I will record them somewhere as well.

I almost never remember my dreams but this time I'm glad I have... in spite of the laugh I got when I told her the lost purse had been made of rabbit fur.

Sept 2010

somehow I always manage to load these in reverse order... took these on my phone :) Above is the deck, after putting the umbrella away for the year

and before, with the umbrella. We strung little red lights in it this summer. To the table's left is the red acer we've raised from a stick and to the right, a gift for Lou's 40th, called a shrimp plant, we're told.

Our rudbeckia. We bought one small plant at the Southport Flower show many years ago. I brought it with us when we moved and now it's threatening to take over! Behind it is Loubie's chocolate plant, to the right our phlox and a peony that was here in a pot when we moved in. In front of them is our red maple. Poor red maple, didn't realize till we brought it home that the leader had been cut off. It may always be small.

Looking back towards the house, cosmos, a red robin wanna-be-tree, grapevine espaliered (sp?) to the fence, crocosmia done with their blooming and red lobelia still going strong. Next is a teeny little hydrangea dreaming of being big and last is the jasmine. Right off the deck, when the jasmine blooms, it fills the house with a gorgeous scent.

You'll maybe notice no closeup of the space behind the cosmos. The delphiniums live there and look pretty grotty after they're done. But they're wonderous in their own season. The little chartreuse conifer is about three times it original size and will probably need another location soon. Can you see the little green picket fence just behind those pots at the end? That's our veggie patch, about 13 ft to the back fence. You can see my compost bin and the green shelves to the bitty 'greenhouse' too.

from the deck. Loubs and I built that ourselves, 12 ft wide and 18ft long. Yeah, I'm proud, LOL. It's a nice view from the kitchen.

Now it's your turn. Show me yours.. heh heh