Are you one of the many who would never, not in a million years, return to your high school years? Who may be able to think of a few bright spots, fantastic episodes you'd LOVE to relive, but still wouldn't go for all the pain of the rest of it?
That's how I feel about the three years following my 'outing myself' to my husband (oh AND the high school years too, in case you wondered).
I still felt I loved him when I spoke those words.. but not as physically as he wanted me to. I was aware of the huge issues I was having with him ..outside of sexuality... but was still trying to make excuses for him. Flat out, I think I was scared. He said I was bisexual and I let him believe that.
He gave me permission to look for women lovers. Yeah, I was blown away. To be perfectly fair, I was developing a crush on someone .. a crush I hadn't expected to lead anywhere. But never thought I'd be given a green light to go for it! You may think I'm certifiable for this, it's so contrary... *oh god, can I really tell you this?* I was even a bit pissed off he'd - theoretically- so easily share me with someone else!
My pique lasted for all of ten seconds.
2 comments:
Coming out, especially from within a relationship scares both partners silly.
That can show in any number of ways, but from their perspective, they face the issue of losing someone they love and all the uncertainty and change that comes with it.
Your hubby wished to change the dynamics in order to still be involved, relevant, whatever, whilst my ex wished me to be her little secret that no one else need know.
I understand both reactions, just as I understand what led you to where you are. What I don't understand is... me. ;-)
I don't know how it is for him now, but all too often former partners are heartbroken in the wake of separation, and in my case, I blew up our immediate universe for all the world to see.
That is the stuff of PTSD, and Tylenol isn't going to cure mine any time soon.
My ex would have not ever wanted me intimate with another while we were together. He was very accepting of my sexuality. We probably had the cleanest divorce in the history of human kind. I'm very thankful for that too. Divorce is hard even when it is civil.
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