BacyBear

When she was three she had a cold. She was very tired and lackluster and even lost some of her potty skills. But those had been hard won anyway and I was certain they'd easily return once I managed to nurse her through the cold. But it wasn't a cold. Sitting on my lap one afternoon, she doubled over with an 'oof' sound, obviously in pain.

We were in the next town over, the same one where our doctor was located, so her dad and I decided I should take her to see him, get her checked over.

She didn't come home that night. Neither of us did. The docs tested her urine, then sent us to the emergency room. They tested her blood there, and later did an MRI. My baby only had one kidney.. and was in renal failure. An infection in the kidney had caused an obstruction. The kidney was over twice the size of a normal one.. and that kind of enlargement damages the tissue it stretches, further impairing it's function.

Instead of coming home that night, she and I were put on a plane, a LifeFlight to Children's Hospital in Seattle. It was surreal. My darling daughter was so frail and lethargic. Her heart monitor kept going off in the middle of the night, but the nurses quickly showed me it was only because she needed to take deeper breaths. I could rouse her slightly, give her a cuddle and ask her to take a big breath for mama.. and the noise would stop. Even when you know what to do, waking to that noise is frightening.

She didn't want to eat.. not anything. It didn't help that at the time she was incredibly picky with her food. She wanted hotdogs, we gave her a few bites of bologna. Yea, I know that not on any low-protein, low-potassium diet anywhere.. but she wouldn't eat ANYTHING else. She'd eat that, or a bit or popsicle or a sip of milk. It felt like she was dying in front of my eyes without warning.

They operated a few days after we arrived. She was in theatre for a long time and I felt useless. I'd been sleeping in a reclining chair by her bed, showering in a sort of parent's lounge and eating cafeteria food and none of it had registered. But without my sweetpea to focus on I floated through theses places, aware of my disconnect. It was the longest day of my life.

She wasn't brought back to the ward until after dark. It was February, when dark comes early.. but I couldn't make that rationalization. All I knew was that they'd taken her in the day and now it was night, surely something must have gone wrong for her not to have finished already. My parents had come to keep me company during the surgery and as night came on, I couldn't stand the worry in their faces any longer. I couldn't try to make any more conversation or think of reassuring things to say. When they began to look visibly tired, I told them I would be just fine and encouraged them to go home. They did.. and then I was upset they'd left me alone. I am SUCH a contrary shit.

When they finally brought her back, so tiny in her bed, I cried great, gasping sobs of relief. We spent 16 days in Children's Hospital.

She's been back in hospital a few times since then. But never again, not since that first time.. have I been as scared as I am now. Last year her functionality was hovering around 20%. It's so hard to believe that figure, she's the picture of health. She gets tired... but not like a 'sick person' but more like a lazy teen. She works full time. She goes camping and four-wheeling with her boyfriend, cooks and cleans and looks after her kitty-babies. We've just found out that she was at 15% inApril

and is at 13% now.

The day before she got the result, she'd run three miles. Yes, admittedly it was run half a mile, walk half a mile, run walk run walk.. but still. How the fuck does this compute? My brain can't work it out. How do you reconcile this with someone who is going on the transplant list? Really??

She'll get an appointment through shortly to go to the Spokane Transplant Centre. This appt will take two days. She'll talk to the surgeons and nurses, the post-nephrology specialists, finance people and social workers and have many tests done to determine what she needs for compatability.

If I can get even one day's notice, I'll be there. When they find a donor, I'll be there then too.