I spent hours last night scrolling through the archives of a message board.
You know how people in years past might bring out a stack of yellowed love letters, tied with a faded red ribbon? Lou and I have something similar, something special tucked away online. In this archive, I was able to see things we'd written to eachother even before we'd actually expressed affection.
It's the growth of our relationship. The teasing and flirtation, the way we supported eachother through individual rough times. You can clearly see why I couldn't help loving her. Her brain and immense heart clearly shine through her words.
We created our history there. For instance, she concocted a big white horse to sweep me away, and made up a contest to name the steed. Muffin was suggested which Lou amended to Studmuffin. Later, after the admissions of love, she sent me a package in the mail with a teeny tiny stuffed horse packed peeking out amongst other things. He's not white, but he IS Studmuffin.
Everytime I travel to the States without her, she makes sure she sprays Studmuffin with her cologne and packs him in my case. He lives on my bedside table when I'm home.
It makes me laugh, I teased her all the time about getting my lil chocolate handprints all over her white horsie. Was it forewarning of my ummm... nature less tidy than hers? May be :)
But there are sad things and difficult things there, stuff I haven't remembered with such clarity in a long time. The ways my kids reacted to their Mom coming out... My son crying while telling me about being asked on his first day of High School if it was true his mom is lesbian. Their Dad ignoring them so much that I thought they'd love me and be with me forever.. and then their anticipation of leaving me for him when he was looking at a big house in a nearby town. How I felt when their adopted big sister came to see us. My daughter kicking off, finding trouble with her best friend. My son's attempted ibuprofin overdose and subsequent stay at a treatment center. The car my ex bought for my son who didn't need any further excuses to skip school.
It's been such a rough ride. The worst seems to be past and, as is my habit, I am forgetting the harshest aspects. This jog down memory lane has refreshed the hurt along with the joy.
4 comments:
Nice history to read that I wasn't aware of (Studmuffin). The most important point is that the worst is now past. Songs tend to hitch me a ride down memory lane - sometimes good, sometimes bad. Depends upon the memory and usually the song was either one played often during the event or one I listened to heavily for an event. Either way - a tune can bring a smile or a tear for me.
Hugs
I have been doing a lot of reminiscing as well, and yes, the hurt does come out. I understand how you feel. You are an incredibly strong person. Hugs
I loved Studmuffin. And both of y'all.
XOXOXOXO to both of you. And thank you for the memories. For letting me be a part of all of that back then.
Was a pretty amazing time in many ways, eh, Denise? We all went through so much together on there...good and challenging. But looks like we came out with some REALLY good stuff through it all, eh? ;)
Would still be bloody fantastic to finally get to meet you and TW some day ;)
Miss you gals.
Loubie xx
Post a Comment