Notice how my heart insists I spell your name? You are still, and always will be my darling little sister. The gorgeous, giving heart who I played and wrestled with and for whom I always tried to be 'big'.
Kelly, I love you. My family comes to mean more and more to me throughout each passing year. And it sucks to have my future feel far away from you all, instead of just around the corner as I'd rather. I miss you and even our long, if infrequent visits/indulgences on the phone.
You know, I've even insisted to my kids that you need to cherish your family, your bro/sis. Best friends really can come and go... but your family loves you forever.
Which is what has made it so hard for me to face the ways I've hurt you and (your *son & daughter*). Mom clued me in during our visit in June and I've been debating how to handle it ever since. I want us to be back to that space where we can talk about everything, where we can at least be much-loved moral support for eachother.
But I owe you an apology first... on so many levels. I don't know where to start, and even yet am afraid for what I might miss.
I'm sorry I didn't ask you to come with us into Seattle. I was very greedy of my children's undivided company. Knowing we were going to be so far apart for a year, we three were goofing, hanging out, having long talks.. basically wallowing in eachother. I overlooked you and your kids, near completely. I'm so sorry Kel.
I've done worse though. Being utterly honest, to you I have also been guilty of a real lack of understanding and attention, of pride and even judgement.
Kel, I'm sorry. I haven't been plugged in enough to understand and really see the effects/toll your life with (*soon-to-be-Ex*)has taken... not just the money struggles, but the dealing with his personality. Through Mom I was better able to see this.
I didn't have this understanding, but I also didn't look. So caught up in myself and my life these past few years, I became prideful. Unfairly, I began to judge. ( The ONE THING I would pray others not do to me or my life -and here I am doing it to you!)
I'm embarrassed and ashamed.
I don't even know how to begin to make this up to your kids! Cold, distant, judgemental - they must think I'm awful and (*my son & daughter*) are snobs. Please let them know I'm sorry?
Before I left CF, I talked to the kids about this, confessed what I'd done and pointed out how I'd sort of encouraged behavior/attitudes in them. We all felt, without a doubt, how wrong we'd been. We are all sorry.
I really hope you can forgive me, sis. I love you and like I said before, I miss you! I'm willing to hear your thoughts about this if you want to discuss it more. But most of all, I want us to become closer again. If you can bear me *wink*
Your Favorite Sister~~