Friday, November 17, 2006

It's still on my mind,

tinting my quiet moments.

It wasn't much of a conversation, not in the sense of body language or expression. It was twenty or thirty minutes of chatting on IM. And my Mother writes like I do, rather blunt.. but honest. More can be read from the preciseness and the things left out, the unanswered questions, re-directions.

I'm ABSOLUTELY aware of the misperceptions inherent in text expressions. So I give us both the benefit of the doubt. But man... it was all still so cold. Like steel in there. * going for my old robe, brb... sip a Jackncoke*

We've been estranged from eachother for long periods. Everytime we meet, it's like we understand eachother less. Especially in religion. I kept trying to make my point, but first, I had to admit something.

We've decided, Mom and I, that I must have a different God. Mine is a childish god who only wants us to love eachother and treat them as we want to be treated. Is Jesus his guy? maayyybe... but not all this power crap that came after it. ( And if you're reading and feel inclined to preach... please don't. Your response will be 'prove it or fuck off.')

Which, NO, I did not say to my mom! Nor did I tell her, I thought he didn't WANT to make his kingdom here on earth. How much more squarely can I place myself into her fear of hell?

I can only call it delusional, just between you and me. She expected me to admit being gay is against god. Like, yeah, I'm doing wrong, but I just can't help myself? Is she hoping for a deathbed conversion? I had to sort of break it to her that I really don't believe in her God. I called him mean and preaching hate.

then I immediately apologized for using the word hate.

this is my mother, from whom I have been estranged for many long periods.. and I'm telling her I don't believe in her god... and my heart is pounding like mad and fingers would barely type.

Which actually is happening again. I might finish this later.


~ nellenelle said...

When faced with this stuff (and you know I've been delving into the online debating of the gay?religious divde) I try to remember what Max told me once... (for perspective, she is non-Christian, and a reiki master) "If I knew you were heading for hell, I'd be knocking on your door to save your arse, too!" OK, so she meant that about proselytisers... but it still can be relevant.

When it is from a parent, someone you care about, there are so many things afoot... not the least of which we kids like our parents to validate us, because we grew up with their word as judge and jury. We still like to hear good things from them. Couple that with the whole love and respect thing, and all of this versus who we are.

Small wonder it's on your mind. Funny how it all flows and interacts, from them to us to our children, and back the other way, eh?


*pours ya another drink*

Sandra said...

It's not her God that preaches hate, it's the followers that have skewed the text in that silly book they call the bible. I know how you feel, I think we all do. (((hugs)))