Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Swings and Roundabouts

Life has seemed so up and down lately. I mean, my lover is wonderful, the new house is fabulous and I'm not sure I have any right to complain. But you know I'm going to. Not so much for any sort of sympathy or pep-talking, but to more to say.. HAY, no matter how much I fake it, there are rough spots! YOU are not alone. Dig deep enough and trouble has touched us all.

I should say first though that the bank has reimbursed me the money stolen from my account. There's a chance they could try to chase the culprits as I did send in the first invoice which had calls on it! (An invoice I don't have to pay) But I wonder if the bank will do that. It's 'only' £100 and I suppose they probably have bigger thieves to chase.

In a few months I'll pay for a credit check to be certain no one has filed for credit with my details or otherwise fucked me up. It's hard to wait that long, but the fraud guy said it would be a waste of my fee to try it right away.

A few days ago it was my son's 21st birthday. He's still stuck in limbo, in the marines but on track for a discharge.. waiting, bored and frustrated. I called to wish him happy bday and woke him. Ummm.. I knew bad things would come and I was so right.

Things had happened in the few days since I'd spoken to him last. He got upset telling me about it. Then he told me he misses me. I was getting ready for work and already missing him like mad, and I knew this convo would make me cry if it went on. So I tried to jolly him out of it. You'll be fine, it's okay like this, I'm only a call away etc... I said.

He was in a bad way and I regret not taking the time to talk to him. He let me go and I thought he'd feel better in the morning. But a few minutes later by text, he told me to go read his blog. I couldn't get to it till later when I found he'd said some terribly hurtful things. In a public place. Where people who know us both can read.

I seriously wanted to flame my own son. I wanted to lash out at him and point a few choice arguments. I wanted to headbutt the rebuttals into him.. I was so hurt.

But my son was hurting. And missing me, like I miss him AND his sister. So I cranked it in, admitted I had tried to blow it off a bit because of my time constraints and apologized.

He hasn't spoken to me since then. His phone is off to me and he's ignoring my texts. Eventually he'll come around, I keep telling myself.. and till then I won't get angry with him or be sarcastic... but just keep telling him I'm still here.

I miss my kids.


~ nellenelle said...

Oh, shit. *hugs*

My heart goes out to you, Kimmie...

I'm convinced that this has more to do with the fact that we were always there for them, we made things better, and then life gets in the way, things beyond their control, and we aren't there any longer. They did nothing, but parents have dynamics at work, dynamics that have nothing to do with our children - yet they get caught in it all.

More than anything, they both love us for being able to make it better, and hate us for not being right there the moment they need us - that weird teen thing where they don't wish us to be around, but do.

You know how I feel, I know how you feel. So the clock reads differently, but have a beer with me.


Shawny Sun said...


~~sending hugs

Anonymous said...

((((((Hugs)))))) My Boys still not really communicating with me.. I had 1 im with oldest son geez about 3 months ago?.. He sent me a bit of a poem.. Was interesting and deep.. He will now and then respond.. I tell him each time I see his im name up.. that I love him and his Brother also(Case lil bro is reading).. Miss them both so very much.. but I keep it inside carrying it.. He did say he loved me and (((Hugs))) to me.. My youngest still having difficulty with his panic stuff and OCD?.. Found that out through oldest son..I would help him so very much if only I were allowed.. Youngest 18 now.. Older one 20..So hard to believe!.. Hi to Nelle.. I totally send ((((Hugs)))) your way also... I don't venture to these places much but will now and then... The board? ..Just a lurker .. Perhaps one day I'll post again..~S~ and I doing great and our hearts are attached and mine is still mending but not nowhere in hurt as it was..((((((Hugs to ya all))) Me~D~ "CAT"

Nony said...

**kittyCat** Sounds like you still have avenues of communication open between you and the boys. And they'll use them to reach you, when they're ready. I'm sure of it. It's just hard, waiting for all the feelings to find equilibrium. Glad your heart is doing better, I worry about you sometimes cos you sortof disappeared. ~