Bits

In four weeks I'm off to see the kids! YAAY! Can't wait!

I'm trying HARD to finish an old project before I go. It's important and I've put it off for far too long. (If I accomplish this goal, I'll post you a pic in a month. Any sooner and it might spoil the surprise.. if I haven't already.)

Last night, Lou said to me, 'in four weeks you'll be on your way home.' I said no, in four weeks I'll be on my way to CF, in five weeks, on my way home. Then I felt startled, I had associated the word 'home' with here. Looks like I may be getting beyond that fuzzy, disassociative state that has me calling the place I'm not 'home'. It's almost painful though, to think that my little Montana valley isn't home.

Had an IM conversation with my son recently. I'd offered the addy here to both the kids many months ago. I didn't know if they'd read it, or if they'd even cared to, but offered it in the spirit of making myself available to them. So Sunshine says to me, I read your blog. You're a good writer, when you let it out. LOL! Thanks Bubba! You're a very talented writer yourself.

It got me to thinking about this space and the diaries I used to keep. Those diaries were pure indulgence, every emotion uncensored. I wallowed, ranted, reiterated fights, railed against perceived unfairness. They were nothing I would ever in a million years want shared. They were too raw. I could see myself being petulant, fighting to keep balance ...but also standing up for myself in at LEAST one place without fear of judgement.

I've missed that space, especially with this terrible summer and that Curse of Threes worry that's been haunting me. It's all left me so scared. The world doesn't seem real in the same ways anymore. It's more ephemeral, like a tissue facade , everything I see just a ruse or a distraction from the things that really matter. It's freaked me out, to tell the truth. And I've wanted someplace to share this feeling.

But I can't bring myself to do it. I self-censor here like mad. I worry such a strong focus, an indulgence for me, would be read wrong. I would be judged.

Is there a way to do this, 'responsibly'? LOL.. How do you self-censor? What little gremlins do YOU hide?

So, Let it Out. That's what I'm working on.