Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Decade

In November, ten years ago, two very small sentences escaped from my lips. I said to him, 'If you died, I wouldn't look for another man. I would only date women.'

We were in our truck, going to the hospital to visit our friends and their newborn baby. I can't tell you if he looked at me when I spoke those words. My eyes were glued to the road, expecting if not the earth to open and swallow us whole, then at least his shock to cause us to drift off the road, flipping us over the steepest part of Buffalo Hill.

The complete absurdity of the conversation's opening gave my mouth half its momentum. He'd asked, if he died, who could I picture myself being with? He even managed to name two of his friends as options before I cut him off.

This is a perfectly healthy man, only 35 years old. I must admit it felt like he was proposing I start messing around with his friends... or that he was fishing for an 'open relationship'. I'm pretty sure it got WAAY more open than he was figuring.

The other half of my momentum came from the newness of this self-awareness. I didn't know from birth that I was gay. There were a few lovely 'interludes' where I should have understood my inclinations.. but I was dense. I had thought I was bad, but GAY just didn't occur to me. I was also insecure. With my giant glasses and tall geekyness, I had plenty to lament already and never looked any deeper.

But a light had clicked on inside me that year. I'd felt desire like never before and finally looked clearly at what it meant, what it said about me.

I was still very knew to this knowledge, and hadn't thought forward with it. As it was, in a glib and offhand manner, I lit the fuse to a bomb that threw all our lives to places undreamt.

I regret the pain I came to cause, most of all to our children. I will regret that pain and upheaval until the day I die. But if I had tried to deny that I am gay, I expect I would already be dead inside, despised ashes of my former self.

Instead, I am profoundly happy. The love we have is gorgeous and I enjoy every last detail of what we have together. There are no longer gaps, anything missing or the need for fantasies to carry me through. I no longer keep bitch journals or cry for my feelings of isolation in this world. She is a miracle I never expected a decade ago.

Does fortune favor the brave? I think perhaps it does.

7 comments:

Trop said...

It does.

Anonymous said...

Nicely put. I'm not brave. I am cautious and paranoid. :) But I think fortune smiles upon me anyway.

Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

You are such a precious gem, my love; it was only a matter of time that someone unearthed you in all your dazzling brilliance. I'M the lucky dog who found you ;) *wagging my tail*

I love you with all my heart, angel.

Ting said...

You brought tears to my eyes. I feel the exact same way you do about how my life has turned out.

Mon said...

Hi Nony,

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

What a beautiful story, and just what I needed to read this morning. I so understand what you are saying.

I hope to say that I will have the courage of which you speak.

Happy New Year to you and yours!

OC

Anonymous said...

Hey,

I wanted to add that I never really knew much about your story. I enjoyed reading the post as it was written so well. Thanks for sharing. It was a light into the room of your history.

nelle said...

*hugs*

So much of that sounds familiar, different ways perhaps, certainly different people, but oh so familiar.

It was not quite 7 years ago for me, I was driving, and the statement from me damn near froze time. That was probably the first time that the full weight of this actually registered with my partner.

Thanks for sharing, K... and you are right on target as usual.