.. that I wasn't as brave as I make out. That at the time, I didn't quite know where I was going, making a statement to him like I did. At the time, I completely thought he'd laugh at such words, that we'd continue on with the marriage and make changes to our relationship, try to improve it.
Little did I know it would prove to be the beginning of the end for us. I'm not saying that I regret doing it or that I wish I hadn't.
What I found was that speaking them aloud gave them life. Made them more real.
Did I initiate some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy? I don't think so. I knew I was attracted to women. I knew I didn't want another man. What I learned as we went along was that I didn't want him either.
The bravery, if you can even call it that, to me came in my not retracting the words, continuing on that path. Feeling the truth of it grow and not running from it even as it ripped my little family apart.
There are better ways to have said this, more details I could give to illustrate, but I'm not in the mood. I just want to say, being honest with yourself and others is hard. In retrospect it LOOKS like I took giant, purposeful steps. But in reality, the only bravery I felt came in acknowledging and not running from my own truth.
The moon is full tonight. I'm bleeding (somehow appropriate) and spaced on painkillers. I'll most likely be back to edit the shit out of this later. But for now, goodnight.
3 comments:
brave? ye who left all to be with the one she loved? brave? damn straight...i mean gay
I'll tell you what's brave...getting up in frigid morning temps to do a workout. :)
Seriously, in my humble opinion, I think regardless of how you choose to define it, what matters is that you are happy now. You have something that some people don't even see in a lifetime. Look at FDR and Lucy...I'm reading a book on them. They were in love and were never together. He stayed with Eleanor for political purposes. I do feel badly for Eleanor though and now want to read a book about her. I'm getting off the subject but... Whether you are brave, blessed, lucky, etc. - you are definitely happy. And you deserve it!
Full moons and Diet Cokes do a number on me. Hugs!
Sometimes courage comes in the smallest of moments.
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