Thursday, November 05, 2009

She's so sweet, it's easy to love her. She's lying on the couch, the red fleece blanket over her and her microwave-warmed wheat roll snuggled against her belly. For a while, she's even had her hood up over her head to keep her ears warm :) Lol, the perils of an uber-short haircut!

I have been reading blogs tonight written by newbie lesbians. Women young and old who are afraid of their freshly admitted feelings and of the reaction of those around them. I myself struggled with those very same things.

I worried about my parents until they made it clear what they felt. I wasn't pleased with their reaction but if they thought it would make my attractions change, they were wrong. If they thought it would make me, for one second, rethink my love for Loubie, they were hallucinating.

Perhaps my truth is that as much as I love my parents, their influence on me and their involvement in my life was pretty minimal by then. It would have been farcical if I had suddenly given Mom's hellfire and brimstone speeches any attention.

In and around my little town I had alway felt sort of anonymous. My ex was the character, the known one. Looking back, it's sort of silly that I thought no one would know or that if they did, they wouldn't have cared. Still there may have been some validity to the idea that Montanans are individualists with a live and let live attitude because if things WERE said, it was never within my earshot. (Apologies forever to my children whose peers were never as kind.)

I lived my life as I dared. She came to see me many times during the years. We went to our Heritage Days parade together and out to restaurants and to the bars to play pool.

Yes. I was nervous, but I outgrew that. Especially after I moved to the UK. The first few years here, its true, I remember feeling nervous each and every time someone asked me why I moved. I just answer 'for love' now and let it go as most of the time I'm asked by strangers anyway..

But my life here, my day to day, spending time with my darling, is done openly and with enjoyment. We are arm-in-arm often and our pleasure in eachother's company is not hidden for anyone.

She's upstairs now, looking at the fireworks of Bonfire Night out the window. Isn't she too cute?

I feel I lived in a closet for a very very long time. I'm out, I'm happy and I will never ever feel obligated to return to that closet.

1 comment:

Shawny Sun said...

I think your and Lou's story is both romantic and amazing. I like reading about it. I find it inspiring.

For me, I never got over being nervous about what people thought. I'm a true closet case. :) But, I fear what would happen if I weren't in the closet. People are so judgmental where I live. To me being in the closet is my protection. I think each to his own, you know. I'm certain that I'm losing out here and there at times by remaining in the closet. But if I were totally out, I might be facing hardships that I'm sheltered from. I guess it is what it is. I've grown to accept it.

Anyway, take care. Enjoyed reading!