Friday, September 30, 2005

Beginnings

I'm feeling a little intimidated by this blog.. mentally confined by the knowledge others could happen upon it. Honored in my friends who wish to read, but scared at laying myself out so openly. It feels risky to let others inside sometimes. How much must you explain so that folks can understand where you're at? Where do you start? Should the attempt even be made?

How do I answer the question, 'What are you doing in Liverpool?' I have been vague... I finally had the opportunity to go back to school, and my girlfriend suggested I do it here, in her city.

How did I get the opportunity? My children moved out, went to live with their Dad. I felt absolutely broken my this. Do I mention the emotional warfare to which their Dad subjected me.. the destitute feeling of being able to do nothing about it all?

Unless of course, I was willing to deny myself. Deny that I had no physical attraction to men. They're fine as buds, as friends and even partners I suppose. But the sex was a sham, mechanical. No way to deny the marriage was absolutely over, and so unfair to even pretend.

I couldn't be happy choosing that. There are women who do, for the sake of their children, and the husbands fool themselves all is well. But I couldn't live my whole life knowing 'this' was not me. Depressing as hell... My choice was selfish, no two ways about it. But its one I would make again if I had the choice to do it over, even knowing what I know. Hell, I'd have done it sooner.

5 comments:

~ nellenelle said...

That is indeed a post from deep within, and I can fully appreciate right to my soul how hard it is to put this out into what is a semi-public space. Some of the things I've posted online have pushed the limits of what could be dug out from within and ended with a click of the send button.

Hope you don't mind a rather long response, but... there is a lot flowing out of me on this... your post is one of those that has ten times more feeling and content than actual words written.

When such things have flowed out of me, it left me feeling drained emotionally, hesitant, yet simultaneously relieved to have ripped open my mind and placed it out where it can be looked at in the light of day. Denise triggered this on the old sammich board once by asking us to describe who we are... that was one of the most excruciatingly painful exercises I've ever gone through.

Your pain from this is apparent, and it in turn touches the same things within me. It's weird how so much of what I see here finds some sort of knowing recognition, even if not within my experience. As I've mentioned before, friends who have the opposite situation as you and Lynne nationally write of things that I see you share... the similarities in some of it sometimes are astounding.

Yet the kidlet issue is from my own space, my own pain. The pain of a parent disconnected is pain I relate to, that triggers every empathetic nerve ending in my body. And that is where my extended ramble will wander, please forgive me...

we were once children, and we know the fears, the joy, the sense of wonder of things unknown, the anticipation, the search for independence, the tether to parents for assurance all is well, and that next step is indeed ok to take, for failure will simply mean the safety of those we love and trust with all our being. I can recall the fear of lost parents, of how I could never bear to lose a parent...

then along we come, with inner issues that would floor an elephant, that few children or even adults can relate to or ever begin to understand.

As a third leg on this shaky table, we have the lessons we teach our young, the things we wish our young to be and to incorporate into their lives... be a good person, be respectful of others, work hard, value education, enjoy your life, be careful and use good judgement - knowing that we all fail at some point and thus teach them to dust off, learn a lesson, and move forward. And then... be you. Do not follow a crowd because it is the popular thing to do, be true to yourself, to who you are. Do not pretend to be what you are not inside.

And that is the one that we fail on. We carry enough guilt to sink the QEII, yet we teach our young not to succumb to such pressure.

I'll never, ever shed that guilt, and never ever be able to honour that lesson. I suspect you are the same. At best, we can find a way to coexist with it. Time may change it, modify it, even mend it somewhat, as our children grow older and wiser. As they break away into their own lives, they also begin to realise the place parents still have in their adult lives.

We had to do what we had to do, because we would have been consumed from within had we not. And there is so much good, as you well know... no reminders there.

Max was remarking on how she misses her family in Lincolnshire and wishes she could visit them with her partner. She would love them to witness first hand the joy she has found in her life, to in turn incorporate her partner into her family as she has been in theirs... sort of completing the circle.

Exactly.

~ nellenelle said...

I'm back, and really hope this is not going into space you rather not go...

I've been thinking on it since first reading and responding yesterday, and again there was so much there even that ramble in response didn't cover all in my head.

The emotional warfare part... I've not heard you describe your experiences, but sure as hell can guess. For me, it began a few years before the divorce, and really wasn't all that bad at that point, though it certainly is demeaning and devaluing, but you think they are scared, and they have things that are directly impacting a major part of their lives as well... and you try and work it out.

>interlude for lunch and dishes<

One moment your being villified for talking about your issues online, the next for trying to talk to your partner about it, go away.

If you even go near your computer there is suspicion, the fear is of loss, and the significance of this connection to the world, and to information.

As time goes on, your issues come to a head; you admit totally and completely who you are for the first time aloud. There is support if you work to bury it. If you do not, heavy resistance, questioning and criticism of all you do and say... if you can even get any words out.

A bit later on, the climate changes; nice prevails. They tell you they want their partner back. And then the final break comes when something makes it obvious you have no choice but to follow what is within.

You hope an amicable separation will take place for the sake of all in the family. What you get is open warfare... and one day have something like a meltdown when you burst into tears on an interstate and then drive 80 for an hour with nothing but blurry vision and sounds worthy of The Exorcist coming out of you.

Partners aren't evil, they are scared. They are humiliated, and fear what the community will think of their losing a partner to the forces of that sinner minority. They resort to basic instincts; perhaps some are inclined to be controlling, and those are the partners that have the worst reactions... their control has slipped away and is failing them.

It was an ugly time, and an ugly ending to what was once a good relationship. Sex was never a huge part of it, because there was no way of me being me, and ultimately was completely incapable of physical sex without my being torn to pieces mentally. And of course, this is a loss to one's partner, one more humiliation.

We have to do better going forward, we have to make sure our young are comfortable in who they are, whatever that may be, that they find their way there... this ultimately will be the only way to minimise the potential for others to experience what we have been through.

*hugs* to you, Kim... and hope what I have written is not upsetting. If it is, I would be glad to remove it.

raye

Kim said...

Please don't remove your comments, raye. I've been back in the garden again this weekend, bushwhacking and laying turf so I'm not yet able to give proper time for a reply.

But I'll be back :)
*hugs* ~ Me

nelle said...

Have fun a gardening! Seriously, please do not feel obligated to respond, this was just stuff that was running through my brain...

NursePam said...

(((((((Nony))))))) Keep writing sweetheart. You have so much depth and wisdom to share.