I'm feeling a little intimidated by this blog.. mentally confined by the knowledge others could happen upon it. Honored in my friends who wish to read, but scared at laying myself out so openly. It feels risky to let others inside sometimes. How much must you explain so that folks can understand where you're at? Where do you start? Should the attempt even be made?
How do I answer the question, 'What are you doing in Liverpool?' I have been vague... I finally had the opportunity to go back to school, and my girlfriend suggested I do it here, in her city.
How did I get the opportunity? My children moved out, went to live with their Dad. I felt absolutely broken my this. Do I mention the emotional warfare to which their Dad subjected me.. the destitute feeling of being able to do nothing about it all?
Unless of course, I was willing to deny myself. Deny that I had no physical attraction to men. They're fine as buds, as friends and even partners I suppose. But the sex was a sham, mechanical. No way to deny the marriage was absolutely over, and so unfair to even pretend.
I couldn't be happy choosing that. There are women who do, for the sake of their children, and the husbands fool themselves all is well. But I couldn't live my whole life knowing 'this' was not me. Depressing as hell... My choice was selfish, no two ways about it. But its one I would make again if I had the choice to do it over, even knowing what I know. Hell, I'd have done it sooner.