Tuesday, September 20, 2005


The computer ate my blog yesterday.

I suppose it was all for the best. My children have me rather upset lately, to say the least.. and I was having myself a major whine here. But having to step back and accept it as it is always seems to work. I managed to speak to my son on IM again later. And no matter how much I love/ hate this hands-off approach .. it's simply where we're at right now. My boy, who's technically a man tells me ALL he's been up to, usually for emotional support. But he will accept little input from me. The phone will go quiet and he'll freeze me out if he doesn't want to hear what I'm saying. My daughter will do the same. We each made this choice to disconnect, myself included. I will always feel every prick of their pain... but I must figure some way to further untie the threads of guilt and worry. They want it this way. I must accept it as it is.

They say you don't just love your children, that you fall IN love with them. I believe that's true.

I'll tell you what though, I am seriously coming to hate this computer.


~ nellenelle said...

If ever I can relate to something, it is this... your frustration, your pain, your need to erect walls of self preservation.

The fact is, it does hurt... we come from different places, you gave birth to your kidlets, I did not, and that is a powerful difference... yet I was always a hands on parent, and a stay at home parent for my youngest from 7 months on... it *kills* me to not be in their lives, but at least with my eldest, she is an adult... not so Kels. Sometimes I feel so helpless, sometimes left out over some worthwhile event or milestone... tonight a name change on messenger to "grounded for the week." Hmmmmm... there is a story there, and I worry, because before I was the moderate voice, and that voice of moderation has no voice at all now.

Hang in there, we will make it through, we will find a new level on which to connect. The old way is gone, but the new one might well be just as rewarding, when it finally comes...



Kim said...

My son's most recent name on IM is 'left to die alone'. I got myself all worried up and had to ask him, WHAT does THAT mean? He laughed at me.. said they're just lyrics to a song he'd been listening to. *sigh* I still worry.

Like you, I was the one who softened things. It's hard not to be able to do this for them.

Raye, your children have a generous, loving parent in you. I would never discount your relationship for the lack of the 'birth experience'. To do so would sort of dishonor the adopted family of my firstborn... and also completely ignore the different, but equal experience of being the partner in the birthing event. ALL the worry, watching your loved one go through, the committment to help and provide.. felt so sharply, can threaten to overwhelm. Your love is no less powerful.

We will get through, hon. It's either that or I'm going to turn into one of those spiders who eats her young.


Donna~"CAT" said...

(((Hugs))) Almost each day I think about the future years with my Sons..I also.. was the ease-er..The soft one.. The fixer upper to the boo boo's and the hard lined father(Overly most of the time)..Yet it's a memory for now..Inbedded in them no doubt as it is in me..No *im's for me these days with them.. I can only view their *im idenities and feel the heartfelt knowing at least they still are up and about..
I (((Hug))))them deeply in my heart and somehow feel they just have to be feeling it..
So as you friend, and Raye also a friend, I hold my tongue, hold my feelings close in my heart and wait out hard as it is, the time served on this crazy sentance we serve *Smiles..No matter how we got here.. I suppose by choice for all of us (Choices that winged their way from different beginnings yet none the less powerful choices and choices we had to make for us and for them in ways they can't see (yet)
((((Hugs Kim))))

Kim said...

These children DO love us, of that I'm convinced. And at some point, I believe the pure power of love will win out... and we will all be reconciled.

Till then I guess we just keep putting out the vibes, sending the love-waves ~~

*hugs* ~ Kim