Tuesday, October 25, 2005

I AM Nony

It's raining outside. Not pouring, but definitely coming down in a steady stream. I sat outside for a smoke, hoping for relaxation to kick in so that I could sleep... turn my head off. But the NOISE of the rain! OMG.. it was like white noise from the tv, turned loud! It was very unsettling.

The Kwikie can get loud too. I've been working a lot of hours and I swear, some afternoons it makes my head ring. There are plenty of us there who either go home for lunches or sit in our cars rather than face more noise from the box-boys in the company canteen. LOL.. you should have seen the stack of magazines and newspapers I threw out last night when Lynne and I went to vacuum my car! She's such a honey for helping me with this particular chore, bless her heart... the thought of so much noise in a confined space makes me really procrastinate.

I haven't had much computer time lately. It's been irksome ( as in 'withdrawl symptoms'), but also rather revealing as well. The message board I haunt daily has come to feel remote to me. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the comparative infrequency of my posts.. but I feel quite out of the 'clique'.

It felt silly, but I talked with LynnieLou about this. We analysed how I write and responses received vs. expected. Then we looked at the amount of time I spend in crafting when I do expose bits of myself. She suggested I put more of myself into this blog... then invite a few more 'respected others' to visit. There ARE respected others but... and maybe you'll laugh.. I only know of them through lurking other boards regularly! I'd have to introduce myself first! My desire to be anonymous has somehow managed to backfire and I've bitten my own ass! I AM Nony *rolling my eyes*

The little voice inside my head suggests this is also related to my dearth of personal friendships here. (See earlier post re; Friendship / Time / Displacement Ratio ) But I'm working on that. I hope a more 'regular' job will help in that regard.. give me normal time off so I can do things normal people do.

It's also part of a deeper need to feel settled. Wonder when that will hit.

Suggestions, my dear friends, are most welcome.


~ nellenelle said...

Hmmm... doubtful I can offer up anything of substance. You have to follow where what you feel inside wishes to takes you.... have to feel comfortable about what you write and what you share, as well as where you share it. There are certainly other places where you can share cyber publicly if you have desire to develop a new community, but I don't know if that is what you have desire to do.

If you prefer a rather limited connection, this is a good way. You are used to writing; as I recall you have tons of privately written journals, so it comes down to how open and how much. I'm honoured you've allowed me to see a but into your world, it is most appreciated, and hope nothing I've said along the way leaves you regretting having done so.

If you feel a disconnect from community online and wish to develop it, if you do not wish to do so on LL, my personal place of home is elsewhere, though I've toned down the postings over the last year (but still have 15,000 or so since first posting...) You can peek around it, and it would be nice to see you and Lynne play there some...


Tarrant pointed the way there for me 3 years ago, and I've yet to shuddup. ;-)

Kim, you write well, and you've a whole lot of worthwhile things to say... but I don't know how much you feel a need to say it, only you can answer that.

IMO, one can build a nice community of friends online that can translate into our own lives away from boards given enough time. Heck, it happened by accident, none of it was intentional... I've visited friends in Atlanta, Montreal, Toronto, Oklahoma City, Los Angeles, Madison, Gainesville, as well as around here. Some were met on iV and you know 'em (kowski, lavender grl, ms kitty, Tarrant, & smiely), some on td. The nice thing about td is the international presence, with many UK posters. LL also has a sister UK board, I've posted there in the past, but not in a long while.

My world is more restricted now than I naturally am inclined to have, but it is by choice and current necessity, won't always be such... but for now, it works for me...

I know Pam will agree with me on this... your words and friendship worthy, which is why we come here, read, and post.

By the way, what's a "Kwikie?" The one you mention, not a quickie quickie, so don't go there, Pam!

We had snow about 10 miles north of my office today, so count your blessings!!!

*hugs* to you and Lynne...

Kim said...

Have I said how much I appreciate your friendship, Nelle? Your generosity of self is inspiring.. and over the past few days I've come to realize that may be the element I am not putting out to others. You actually allude to this yourself when you wrote 'build a community of friends'. In this matter, perhaps we do get what we give.

In LL, I think I've been around so long that people there must know me, in spite of my infrequent posting. But that is not the case and I end up disappointed in most replies when I write with any depth. On the flip side of that, I ask myself.. how often do I reply to others with any depth? This is all still under consideration.

I went a took a spin around your technodyke yesterday. What a spirited and so diverse group you've found!! Though the place seems so busy, it could take me a while to get my bearings... UK LL seems chock full of very young women. Visited there in the past and just couldn't feel any sense of kinship, KWIM?

Called hereabouts, a Kwikie is the grocery store where I work, real name; Kwik Save. LOL.. not some drive-through brothel!! The places your mind goes, woman..

NursePam said...

;^) That Nelle is such a bad grrl sometimes.

I can identify with the sense of feeling a disconnect on LL. I know one of the reasons for myself but it does not explain all of my sense of ennui with regard to that community.

Since some of the women there continue to be very important to me, I will continue to post, regardless of what else may occur.

Once we leave high school and college, it becomes more difficult to find true friends. As adults, life becomes more complicated and just plain busy.

One thing I have found, entering the brave new world of the blogosphere, is that there are some pretty neat people blogging. I have already found a couple of cool peeps with whom I feel a connection.

I say just email those people whom you respect, even if you haven't made yourself known on their message board, and invite them to view your blog. How many people aren't flattered and pleased that someone picked them out of the cyberether to be worthy of friendship?

Love ya lots kidlet. Keep posting those wonderful words of yours.

~ nellenelle said...

lmao... a kwikie mart... reminds me of Food Marts, every time I see their sign the first letters get switched in mah head.

That is very generous of you, but I am undeserving of such commentary. To be honest, I've always thought of you and Lynne as two of the nicest people I'd encountered on iV, and while I'm at it, that applies to Pam as well, who has always been so very kind and accepting.

And when someone impresses me with their words and conduct... I'm more inclined to respond to their writings.

It was not my intent to imply you were not developing community. In some ways, you are like another friend, one who held her life closely, and was careful who she let in... I am probably one of three people to ever really see to her soul, and she probably is the only person ever to see all the way to mine... and what amazed me, was that was all in friendship. Ten years ago I would not have thought that possible. There is nothing at all wrong with holding close one's life. I held my life way close to me for a long, long time.... 44 years worth.

IMO one can play casually, and if friendships are meant to be, from those humble beginnings, they will form.

When I first went to td, I posted something like 70 times in 6 months, and it was always in the gender forum. After my initial trip (to Atlanta) one where I was out for the first time, on my return I was emboldened to leave the gender area and start posting on the rest of the board. Within days people were writing privately to say hello, and two of those who did happen to be the person mentioned above... and her partner. Little did I know - I couldn't even have begun to understand or suspect - just how much that innocuous event would impact and change my life forever. It's kind of weird when thinking back on it now. The funny thing was how much I posted after returning... my old name there, which at some point will be brought back (long story) had almost 9,000 posts, another had 4,000.... and now changling (which was initially registered as a joke as Riv and I were having some fun with a thread one night - another long story.)

The same sort of thing was true with the redhead... I barely knew her on 1 April 2002. We had talked a few times over the previous 6 months, but somehow in March, after I was the last person in the known universe to figure out dylan_thomas and kowski were the same person, and that she was the partner of lav, we were suddenly emailing all these deep stories of our lives. I've no doubt that the remaining walls in my head were torn down by reading of her travails - and her incredible courage. Then came the shaking, the turning white as a ghost, the Admission out loud... and a day later she was on the phone with me for 4 hours... all to make sure I was ok. That makes an impression. How could I possibly ever repay such caring and kindness?

It's not easy to put ourselves out here. There is good and there is bad, and knowing who is who is never easy. The last thing we wish is some troll to take our innermost feelings and experiences, the stories of our life... and use them as fodder to carve up. And people tend to put their best foot forward and hide the not so nice things about themselves.

There are a lot of younguns at td as well, but then there are all ages who play there. Fascinating women.. one friend (sunfigured) is my age, a former attorney now a veterinarian in Montana. Her partner (they just married in Canada) has been through a hellish divorce, and we talk on that occasionally. O'Meagher is older than I... but goddess, what a story. A former news reporter, from Ireland originally... she spent 18 months *in the field* in Vietnam after convincing the commander to let her accompany troops on missions. The stories that are in her head! She's covered presidents and all sorts of huge stories. I could go on and on about those there, some who no longer post very often, but with whom I'll occasionally still get mail from. Aly... who did the techie stuff, is in the UK, she too is a former attorney. Her partner is tg, post op, and had surgery where mine will one day be done.

The board has so many different sections, you can post on things of interest... and sooner or later, someone will like what you have to say and write. It surprised me no end how people would do this.

OK, this is already too long, and am really glad Pam has joined in to share as well! And I totally agree with her...

thank you again... >looks around for the chocolate muffins<

Trop said...

I'm not sure what it takes to feel settled in a place. I've moved around a lot in my adult life and in my experience it is serendipity. I lived in California and never felt like I fit in, like I was acceptable. I was never quite at home there. I instantly felt at home when we moved to Virginia. I have it all here--the love of my life, a happy daughter, a quaint home, good friends who accept me and my partner, a church, and proximity to my parents and siblings. And the camping is great too.

I haven't been to LL in a long time. I sometimes pop in, when Court tells me of an interesting thread. But the board lost its appeal a long time ago when it just seemed to stop being fun. In the meantime, a lot of new people have made it a home and I haven't taken the time to get friendly with them (my bad). It's become and unfamiliar place.

I also have heard it said that blogs are the new message boards. And that is so true for me. I keep up with all of my best message board friends through their blogs.

I'm so glad to have found your blog. You have a gift in the way you express yourself. You and Lou are a couple that Court and I admire and draw inspiration from. I hope you won't mind my popping in from time to time to read.

Seabiscuit said...

Hey there little Nony! :)

Well, I'm just rustling up some cyber dust here with my hoofs, so I don't have any suggestions. Sorry.

I dropped off the board for a couple of months. And, I've not been back in a couple of weeks just recently. I found that when I would go there, my mood would become depressed. So, I stopped visiting the board- once again. I haven't decided when I'll visit again.

I like the individual rapport that you can build with the blogs. I'm glad you have a blog!


Kim said...

HAY! RJ and Kimmie have visited my blog! Thank you both for the feedback.. and I apologize for not noticing sooner!

I do believe it's true, that blogs are the new message boards. I follow both of yours regularly, in addition to several others and find I really appreciate the in-depth look they afford. Through them I feel less alone..
*hugs* ~ Kim