Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Bah

I love christmas. It's always a treat to drag out the decorations, to smell pine in the house and spend our evenings in the glow of the tree.

But I'm having a hard time getting right into the spirit of the holiday. I'm still waiting to feel that 'goodwill to all mankind' feeling in the air, that special feeling of community all around us. Maybe there's a particular UK version of that feeling, something I don't recognize and therefore CAN'T feel. Maybe my vision / attitude is marred by the fact Lynne and I have just had our bikes stolen, that another resident here has just had his car broken into for the second time in as many months...

I'm also tight on funds for gifts. Can't even think of what to get the kids... don't know what they're into right now, what they have or might need. Details like that go missing in phone conversations. I always want to give that 'WOW, I LOVE this' gift. Even Lynne and I have agreed to keep our spending on eachother to a tiny limit. Not that I want a biggie... but I don't know what to give from the tiny spectrum. Pathetic, aren't I?

In the past, I would make gifts. Small quilts, cross stitch and applique projects. But I don't have the time with my oddball hours at work and I haven't yet found a fabric and notions store that doesn't cater only to upholstery and room decorating fabrics... or carry just the satins for expensive dresses. Where's a Joanne's or even a Ben Franklin when you need it?

On top of this, we're going home to Montana for the holidays. You KNOW, on the one hand, I'm excited to see my kids, to spend time with Sus. I want the snow too. But I also find myself sort of resenting having to be in someone else's home for christmas. We're getting back home just a day before Lynne has to return to work. She's going to be exhausted and I hate knowing she's having to do this for me.

And lately, Mom keeps sending me emails signed, 'hope to see you soon'. They'd be the first to scold me for spending all the money from the sale of my house.. yet somehow figure I can afford more than the twice a year visits I've been managing to the states. Sitting in a heavy lump on my psyche is also the knowledge that Dad has remarked he always wonders if he'll ever see me again each time I visit. Seattle IS only a four hour flight from Montana ...

I don't know. I have to start buying gifts soon though. Maybe that'll get my good mood started. And I DID have a blast decorating Laura's pub.. felt right in the spirit. We're getting our decorations out of the loft tomorrow night and bringing home the tree on Friday. That will probably help too.

Right now, all I really want is to snuggle under the covers with Lynnie Lou till it's all over.

2 comments:

NursePam said...

Just the thought of that long flight to Montana must be terribly stressful. When you pile all of the family guilt and holiday hoo ha on top of it, it probably becomes downright psychosis inducing. Be kind to yourself. Hugs!

~ nellenelle said...

I hope you are both tightly snuggled at this very moment...

it does sound rather daunting, but it will be over before you know it, and you will be able to set and relax, and take out of it all the good to pack away as memories.

Lots of pics!

*hugs*