*sigh*

I'm having a hard time trying to move forward from my last two blogs. I can't just switch off and begin to speak as if nothing has happened. So I have to revisit this subject and know it will hurt. Still..

My niece.. what can I say? She was a typical, rebellious teen. She loved her mother and brother dearly and should have had many more decades on this planet to enjoy life, to define who she was and chase her own dreams. But she won't get that opportunity.

There are things I could tell you, things I learned and saw, memories stirred... but this feels too close, too private to share. Her loss was abrupt, a brutal horrible thing and even experiencing it second-hand, through the whispers of my little sister is incredibly hard to bear. I won't sensationalize it with her details.

There is one thing from the service I will share though. My sister found her daughter's baptismal candle. The pastor lit it during the ceremony, remembering her as a young child. He led us out of the church carrying that lit candle and I remember knowing that if I were anywhere near when it was blown out, that I would collapse into a wailing, snivelling heap. But as we followed right behind him, walking up the aisle, our pain visible to the rest of the (completely filled) church, my eyes fell upon the small figure of my little sister. I was her protector, bulldog, point-man. I let go of my worry over the candle and followed her instead, determined to do anything and everything she needed to get through the reception to follow.

It wasn't enough. I know it can never be enough. The pain is unavoidable and I expect it will be for a good long time. For all of us.

In my next blog, I WILL move on. Like before, just remember

Life is short. Love eachother.