I'm thinking about the travails of coming out, about losing people from our lives and the judgement many of us face in the process.
My little town in Montana had about 4000 to 4500 people in it. I lived there from age 14 to age 39. I knew a lot of people and recognized many faces.
When I think of that time, I am astounded that I stood up and said **this** is who I AM. I knew there would be eddys of conversation swirling in my wake wherever I went, but strangely, I dont recall people saying anything disparaging to me.
Well, except for my parents. And my mother-in-law. My sister was just worried but in a supportive way.
I wonder if perhaps people didn't say anything about it because that's just the way Montana people are. They mind their own business, for the most part.
Maybe it came from me? Once the light clicked on fully and I became aware that I could not love that man properly (much less find the respect I'd once had for him, cos honestly he was growing into a very angry, tightly wound, show off even before I knew what was up with me - sorry, off on a tangent) I knew I could only go forward with this.
I would have to be my authentic self or be miserable forever, knowing it was my own damned fault. Did I grow armor or go blind and deaf? Both?
So he moved out and I came out. I kept working at the bank, right up there on the teller line, and my customers and friends treated me just the same as they always had.
Lou kept coming to visit and we'd go out and about just like I always had.
I would be a mistake to believe NO words were whispered whatsoever. Many of 'our' friends were his from the beginning and rallied round him. Knowing their particular brand of humor, I'm certain MANY comments have been passed. To our faces, we were nice and that was enough for me.
And then I moved. I started over, gay from the get-go. I didn't lose people, they lost me.
And I've not been harassed or bothered in the least.. ok except by some very bored young men on the street who felt compelled to let us know they recognized us as dykes.. mmm hmm, bright boys.
My kids probably got more crap about this than I did. In that regard, I honestly wish it HAD been me.
3 comments:
In huge solidarity! So many of us know the experience in some way, it just reshapes by location, time, and those around us, with a few twists and turns.
To come out, to reveal the truth, to stand for that truth and embrace it, no matter the consequences ahead, well... this is something our community has that many folk never experience - an in depth searching of what lies within, and a will to stand up for it, stand by it, no matter how it might adversely impact us.
And conversely, when some tangent or other of our coming out harms others, we carry this pain forever, wishing the whole process could happen in a way that no one else felt such harm.
As always, well said Kim, and as always, *hugs*
nelle
I loved this line: "I didn't lose people, they lost me." So, so true. I've never looked at it that way before.
I think that it took courage for you to show your authentic self in the face of adversity.
Post a Comment